School friends drama in reception

[Cam2020]

Morning MN,

I'm hoping to get some advice or some words of wisdom from others who have had a similar experience.

My DD is in reception and had a great first term. She was really enjoying school but hasn't been so happy since the Christmas break. We've had some chats and it transpires that she'd like to make more friends but her best friend doesn't want her to and threatens my daughter with not being her friend any more if she plays with anyone else. They knew each other before starting school and are very close, so my daughter is very upset at the thought of upsetting her friend or losing her. Her friend has not found the transition easy and is very clingy with my daughter - she's a really sweet girl generally, she's just scared of losing her. We talked about including others in play but my daughter says her friend doesn't want to expand the group at all.

I'll be taking her to breakfast and after school club a couple of times during the week when her friend wont be there.

Has anybody else experienced this? I don't want my daughter to dislike school because of friend drama!

Not sure what to advise really, although I do remember being a victim of this myself many years ago!! Stuck in the middle of 2 very jealous friends and not wanting to upset either of them!! Hopefully yoir situation will resolve itself in time if they both grow more confident in expanding their friendship group x

Have a little chat with teacher and they can help to encourage the other girl to play with others and let lunchtime staff know.
I would set up some playdate with your dd and let her choose which new friend she would like to invite.

Oh it’s awful isn’t, having dramas with friends so young! I would speak to the class teacher about it, they can have a wider discussion with the class about friendship etc. and keep an eye on it.

It's dealing with these situations that prepare us for life!

Have a word with the teacher, they should be able to help your DD manage the situation day to day, there's not much you can do from home.

If they were friends before school do you know mom?

Mention it in school. It is a form of bullying as the friend is preventing your dd from widening her friendship groups. Although the other girl may say that your dd is being unkind by wanting to spend time with others. It’s unhealthy for both ie your dd shouldn’t feel controlled or guilty if she wants to play with others and she certainly shouldn’t heel responsible for this girls emotional well-being.

School should be supporting the other girl in developing other friendships perhaps getting them both to work with others and also getting her to develop a bit of resilience and stop relying on your dd so much. They should also be encouraging your daughter to develop a wider friendship group.

Step away op

You are at the start of a very very long journey re your child and schooling.
In reception - friendship issues tend to ebb and flow daily, sometimes hourly!

Take a step back, listen to your child of course but no “action” on your part

Separate them as mush as possible tbh this has happened to my friends ds and they are teens and the friendship is toxic to the point the clingy friends bullies him

Yep this will carry on through the whole of school so best get your dd coping now.

Talk to teacher at this age. She can help
Not recommended for teens 😃

Invite a few other girls over for a play date or meet at park etc.

Tell your dd not to exclude but include all her friends in play.

I tell my dd Now 16 that she isn't responsible or another friends happiness but she needs to be kind and try to be inclusive and Otherwise it's each man for himself

Tell your DD to say to her friend something like "If you don't want to be my friend anymore that's OK, and if you ever change your mind you can come and play with me again".

Tell her to stick rigidly to it.

Keep encouraging your dd to play with others. As time goes on and she's stuck with just the one other girl life will be very lonely especially if the friend is off school as the other kids won't want to know if they think DD is using them because her bestie isn't there plus parties and play dates won't be very forthcoming- which of course, you know.
I'm sure that if your dd starts playing with others that the friend will join in too. It's just that initial moving out of her comfort zone that will initially be difficult.
I think I'd cool any planned 1-1 playdates with this clingy friend for now as it's just strengthening the ties this girl has on your dd.
Could you suggest a few classmates meeting up in the park one day after school- something where it's not just the two of them and they're in a different environment with kids they know but not in school iyswim. It could change the dynamics and would at least give you a chance to observe and maybe get some ideas.

I disagree with the “don’t get involved” - often that’s right but they’re v young and it may well not just go away.
If you know the other parents enough to talk with them, that’s what I’d recommend, as well as talking with the teacher. It’s really common, but can be hard to manage and you need lots of people on side! It helped when we did this for my son in reception, and similarly my sister had to do this with her daughters friend. Both times it helped a lot. And my mum got involved to help me with this when I was little. I was in infants but still remember how hard it was with my friend. And it really helped.

My advice would be to encourage other friendships. Out of school activities such as Rainbows, martial arts, Beavers will help. Have play date meet ups with other mums and their daughters.
This is very common. My dd's best frienemy since nursery would do this, she would get girls to compete against each other for bff status as like a divide and rule power trip. It was heartbreaking, but my dd had to learn coping mechanisms. Oddly enough the girls are still good friend even now and the little devil child has turned into a really nice girl.

I would talk to the teacher; my DD is in reception and very close with a child who she then also argues with and at parents evening the teacher told me that they encourage the children to play with different children by putting them in different groups for activities

Speak to the teacher and invite other children for tea to strengthen other friendships.

Invite a new person home for tea once a week.
Talk to the teacher and ask them to pair her up with others in the classroom.

There is always someone like this in every class, however old they are. It’s a form of social bullying. My daughter, when a few years older, was isolated from others then dropped and left with no friends at all.

@whenwillthemadnessend

Yep this will carry on through the whole of school so best get your dd coping now.

Talk to teacher at this age. She can help
Not recommended for teens 😃

Invite a few other girls over for a play date or meet at park etc.

Tell your dd not to exclude but include all her friends in play.

I tell my dd Now 16 that she isn't responsible or another friends happiness but she needs to be kind and try to be inclusive and Otherwise it's each man for himself

Pretty much this! It gets easier as you get more use to it!

When they are young they need guidance, so stepping away is not good advice. Yes there will probably be friendship issues throughout school life, and many times you do have to step back but not when they first start.

As others have said speak to the teacher, they can then address this through their PHSE lessons and also individually guide children where necessary. Ask your DD whether there are any other children she would like to have for a play date or meet in the park, so build up her friendship group and her confidence.

This is quite common. Just have a friendly chat with the teacher. They'll try to separate them when possible e.g. activities. My youngest and her old best friend of 4 years (in school) ended up being split up when moving into a new year group, because it was an unhealthy friendship. My daughter is much happier and has a group of friends now, rather than just one (that only existed if she pleased the other!)

Ds had exactly this situation in Y1 of primary school.

I spoke to the school and they resolved it very quickly.

My goodness I didn't realise these things could start at such a young age!
I agree speak to the teacher you don't want this other little girl getting ahold now as it will become harder to break free as she gets older

Thank you for the replies. I had the feeling this is par for the course. I thought about speaking to her teacher, so I think I'll definitely do that as a first step. I certainly don't want to micro manage things as I do think children need to learn to navigate these situations but with some gentle guidance at this age.