Care fees where the couple concerned don't want care

[TrophyWinner]

I wonder if anyone can point my friend in the right direction?

Her parents have been together since they were children, completely devoted and reliant on each other but have always had a firery relationship.

Her mother is now suffering quite badly with dementia, doesn't recognise DF but does recognise photos of him as a young man. He possibly is also starting with a bit of dementia and his temper is getting worse. They definitely need some help and DM probably safeguarding.

DM was discharged to a carehome after a "fall" buy this was only temporary and now she has been moved home with SS assessing 2 visits a day. DF is insistent they don't even need this (they do) and as he has to pay (she has to pay, but he sees it as his money) is refusing to allow them in the house.

What can be done to help them and if SS assess a certain level of care is necessary, can it be imposed despite the service user having to pay?

Unless the people concerned have been officially deemed to lack mental capacity, they can’t be forced to accept help, even if it’s evidently needed.

From all I’ve ever read or heard, refusing to let carers in (whether they have to pay for them or not) is not uncommon with old people, with or without dementia. Some people just don’t want random strangers in, who they may see as prying into their private affairs, or reporting back to SS that their cleaning is not up to scratch, etc. They may fear SS taking over ‘for your own good’ and forcing them into care homes.

Sad to say, such situations are often resolved only after a crisis of some sort, when there’s no choice but for one or the other, or both, to go into care. This happened with a old couple we knew - although exhausted, he refused all help with his wife who had quite bad dementia, until he fell and broke a hip.

They both ended up in different care homes, and the poor old chap told dh that he’d got a new lease of life - but sadly died only a few months later.,