I think I have ptsd

[Wednesdayafternoon]

And I just want it to go away!
Almost 2 years ago my husband walked out on me during my second pregnancy (which was very much planned!!!). I didn't see this coming, he blamed it all on me... he even did it over text!!anyway, that was that, but what followed was months of emotional abuse. He repeatedly threatened to take children off me, tried to intimidate me into stopping breast feeding, gas lit me... constantly. The things he put me through....
There was one defining moment though when we were having an argument over something or other and he told me he was going to take the children off me 3 nights a week and take me to court (youngest was only a couple months old). He told me I was selfish to breast feed and he was more important. He accused me of not feeding the baby before I sent him so he would be grumpy with him. He told me "you might have given birth to him but I put him there".
Fast forward 1.5 years and we seem to be steady. We don't have a court order set up but childcare and maintenance has been in place for some time.
The issue is that I just cannot STOP worrying about him threatening to take them away from me. The youngest doesn't sleep at his as he's still BF and he only sees him a few hours a week and I can't stop worrying about him forcing me to have him sleep over before he's ready. I can't stop worrying in the future the threats will start again and I'll be powerless. Every time a little something or a tiff happens I go back to that night, the worst night of my life, when he threatened to take them.
Is this ptsd?
I have had CBT therapy and I'm referring myself back to minds matters for counciling (as per their suggestion).
I just want a way out of this, it's controlling me.

I know my youngest will begin sleeping there, that's something I'll have to deal with. But I can't shake feeling the emotions that I felt that night. They come back to vividly when I feel insecure.

No it’s not. It is anxiety. Knowing your legal rights as regards to co parenting will help you.

@Wednesdayafternoon I also had a sudden traumatic break up (I wasn’t pregnant but DC was under 2) and can really recognise myself in the feelings you describe. I found going through mediation & getting a consent order ultimately helped, although the process itself was immensely stressful. I like the security of a court order. I still occasionally worry ExH will take me back to mediation or court but as it was a lengthy expensive process I don’t think he’d want to open it all up again either

Exh did this when I left him. I was constantly frightened he'd try to take DC off me because that's what he kept threatening to do. I was still in that cycle of abuse I'd been in when we were together so I believed him. He also called me selfish for breastfeeding. His favourite threat was that he'd take youngest (who was just a toddler at the time), and disappear with her. so with that constantly in my mind I was terrified of her spending time away from our home with him. The first year after the separation was horrible, continuation of the abuse and I was still very much under his thumb.

What changed things entirely was finding out my legal rights, as PP said. I had a free hour with a solicitor, who was brilliant. I did some online therapy and read up on what he was allowed to do as non resident parent and realised I was in a very strong position. It made all the difference. I also faced him head on when he made a threat, not confrontationally, just with a shrug and 'ok take me to court if you like..' because I was armed with knowledge that it wouldn't be the easy ride he was expecting.

We still don't have an official visitation plan as he flat out refused when I proposed it (after he'd threatened so many times to take me to court suddenly he wasn't so happy about it when I suggested it), but I've never been obstructive. He's just decided flakey parenting suits him better than all the bluster about having DC full time. It's clear now that that was just said with the intent to hurt and frighten me into submission. When it stopped working, he had nothing over me.

I genuinely think you need to speak to someone about your anxiety, not for medication but for coping techniques as you'll be surprised how the fear veil lifts when your brain feels calm. And 100% get to know your legal rights. And save any correspondence with him that has a threatening undertone, just in case.

@BleuJay I know my legal rights, I've gone over and over them. I've spoke to the HV, the solicitor and women's rights. That doesn't shift the vivid flashbacks and panic attacks I get at the slightest similar situation.

As a cbt therapist I'd say no to ptsd, your not mentioning any classic ptsd symptoms and there was no threat to life but you defiantly have anxiety, good luck with your therapy xx

Cross-post there OP, I see you know your legal rights already. Good! Then that leaves talking to a professional about your anxiety and flashbacks, if I remember correctly you can do a self referral for CBT.

@5thnonblonde @KurtWilde
Thank you both and I'm so sorry you've been through something similar.

The anxiety that comes with single and co parenting is awful and when I had cbt the message was really to allow myself to process and grieve and I've accepted my single and go parenting role and I'm happy with my relationship status.

I just can't handle these flashbacks and panic attacks. When it was at its worse with the emotional abuse I felt like a hollow shel which was drowning and those feels just come back around him. I don't want to be this person and away from him I'm not but the reason why I thought about ptsd was because it sounded so similar to my situation.

Ex has been consistent with me over the past year but he has a very short fuse with me and if I disagreed with him he would snap so it's a constant treading of eggshells!

So sorry you've both been though this but it is nice to hear others experiences and know I'm not alone ♥️

Thanks all. I had cbt therapy and they said to wait 3 months and refer myself back to minds matters which I have done for counciling! I've already been told there's a very long waiting list and I don't have the means for private counciling or therapy unfortunately!

Wednesday. If you are experiencing vivid flashbacks and panic attacks and feeling like a hollow shell it sounds like you could have PTSD. You also are understandably very anxious as you are worried about possible repercussions of upsetting/disagreeing with your ex.

If you’ve found CBT isn’t something that you can use to deal with these very strong emotions then it’s worth asking your GP if they could refer you for something specifically for PTSD such as EMDR. Then you could be assessed for PTSD and hopefully receive more targeted therapy if they felt that was appropriate. The problem is long waiting times for everything. I really feel for you. I had no idea I had PTSD till I was referred for CBT and the therapist specialised in EMDR and recognised my symptoms.