Big change needed...advice much appreciated

[ParmaViolets1808]

Hi all,

First time poster but long time lurker! Im really in need of some life advice regarding a few big changes I need to make and I know I've come to the right place.

I am approaching 30 and have had a very difficult time throughout my 20's due to ill health. To say my romantic relationships and friendships have suffered would be putting it mildly. Im from a smallish city in the UK (not mainland UK). Whilst trying to deal with these health issues I had no interest in dating and it was very difficult to socialise. Basically everyone I knew was away travelling abroad or still at uni in mainland UK. Many have not returned and now live abroad such as Australia.. or stayed were they were after uni etc.

These health issues are still ongoing but I really need to make a life for myself now. People here are in the same friendship groups since primary school mainly so don't have much of an interest in making new friends. I have started a new job and everyone my age is settled down and a few with kids etc. So they are busy with that at weekends etc.

In terms of dating here, there aren't many people my age on dating apps. The dating pool is really small. For example I matched with a guy on Tinder and he was able to guess from my job title the company that I work for and said "oh do you work for "Steve" and "Rob".(,my bosses, not their real names) ..."my company played in their golf tournament a few weeks ago". Another guy I matched with works on the floor below....its just too small and too familiar and I don't like that. Ex flings etc popping up a lot also.

My opportunities to meet new friends and to date are just very limited here.

I feel now I really need to spread my wings and start a new life elsewhere as I am approaching 30. I feel I need to live somewhere much bigger where I can meet people in a similar situation i.e. single and also keen to make new friends.

A few options that I have in terms of location would be....

.1. Dublin...its two hours away from me....but very expensive in terms of cost of living etc... it does have a large population however and lots of people from South Africa, Brazil, USA etc...so therefore opportunity to make friends with people in the same situation....the dating pool seems to be bigger there also.

London- again very expensive. but I'm assuming/hoping lots of opportunities to make friends and to date etc.

Toronto- I visit here quite a bit to see family. I can get an IEC visa for two years, on a british passport...then get another visa on my Irish passport. There are many jobs in Toronto in my sector and I would be on a good salary. Can stay with family until I would get an apartment sorted. However the annual leave isn't great over there ( I already knew that but was confirmed by a recent thread on here). Due to my health condition I don't have half the energy of other people my age, so less time off work is not ideal. Its a fab city though.

So mumsnetters, is there anyone here who can advise what would be the best option in terms of making friends and dating/meeting a partner? Is there anyone who as lived in more than one of those cities and can compare which was better?

Or even if you have just lived in one of those cities.......what is Bumble bff/opportunities to make friends like in that city? Is it easy or difficult?

I think I am hoping in any of those cities that its easy to make friends, but maybe I am mistaken and I don't want to make any rash decisions

I will have some savings to bring with me....hopefully around 20k...but wouldn't want to blow it all and come back home because it turns out big cities are just as lonely to live in!

Sorry for the ramble, but I just need to make some changes this year and get out there and meet people.

I would really appreciate some advice....I hope I have posted this in the right section.

bump for anyone still awake :) doing a lot of late night thinking

Go to Toronto! I moved abroad in my early 30s and it was the best thing I've ever done.

Do you actually want to move away though, would you not miss home, family and friends ?
Toronto sounds the best of the bunch as you’d have support there.

Exciting! Even just for a part of your life. Presumably you can go home if you choose too. You’re a bit older than a backpacker so you should have transferable experience and be able to get a better wage.

We moved abroad and I think you have to give yourself at least 2 years anywhere (to get established, banks, jobs etc). Also I think the two year idea forces you to make the most of things and push yourself (we’ve been here 7 years so it’s not really a deadline)

There’s every reason you will be successful and happy in any of those places but you have to be prepared to put yourself out there and take the rough with the smooth.

I’d think about what sort of job or living situation would be the most interesting and fun, what groups you might join, what you want to do on the weekends etc.

I'm assuming you are in Belfast? I agree it's a big village! Everyone knows each other or has some connection.

With Dublin and Canada would your health issue be covered / expensive?

I regret not going to Dublin for university. I love it as a city. London to me is just too big and I think you need some connections there to get started and not just feel incredibly lonely.

What would the job situation be like elsewhere?

Thanks for your replies!

@EishetChayil….that’s great to hear….where did you move to?

@GoodnightGrandma - yea I do want to move away. I am beyond fed up here. The only family I have here are parents and one grandparent who would visit me wherever I go.

@ChakaFridaMendips - yea that’s good advice about Giving it two years, I think I need to make sure I realise that anywhere will have difficult patches and I need to really give it my all and not pack it in too quick if things seem rough at times….where did you move abroad

@hopeishere - I am indeed. It really is a village. Everyone is so settled in terms of relationships and friendships and I am feeling at such a loose end. I love Dublin also, was down recently, it is just so expensive.

In terms of my health….I have UK medical insurance and if I was in Dublin I would say I would hopefully be keeping that on and if I needed a specialist appt etc would prob come up home for it. It would prob be cheaper than taking out health insurance down there.

I admit I haven’t looked into health insurance for Canada but it could be really expensive as my condition could technically involve surgery….so that’s something to think about.

There are quite a few jobs in any of those cities in my line of work!

Any other Advice much appreciated!

Go to Toronto!

You’ll be a proper “outsider” and that makes it much easier to make friends. If you move to Dublin or London people will assume you have a network whereas if you go somewhere completely different people will make an effort.

How exciting and really well done you on planning this life change! I moved to New York when I was in my late 20s and I made friends really easily. Its quite a transient place so I found lots of people arriving for work and being in a similar situation. I met people through my job and through the Meetup website. There were groups for brunch, walking, sports, going to museums and it made it so easy to rock up and meet new people. I also made a vow of saying yes to things when I got invited somewhere! One of my friends ended up moving to Toronto funnily enough and also made friends easily. It's a lovely city and the people seem really friendly. I'm back in the UK now but always try to pay it forward by inviting people out if I know they are new to the area and don't know many people. Best of luck with it all!!! 2022 will be your year!

Just to throw in a curve ball, what about other uk cities? Liverpool or Manchester for a start. Cheaper than the others, but just as busy and multi cultural.

Exciting times!!

I moved away from Belfast 15 years ago and lived in a few different places in Europe and the UK, before settling (by chance) in Scotland. I totally get where you're coming from. Belfast is such a great place but unfortunately the opportunities just aren't there career-wise and I was in the same boat as you with every single one of my friends moving away after uni. If I moved back now I wouldn't know a soul!

Toronto sounds like a great option - try not to overthink it - just go. You have no ties right now in Belfast and you could build a great life for yourself in Toronto. Things like health insurance etc. will work themselves out - and it's great you have family support to get you settled.

In terms of making friends, it's so much fun meeting new people! I agree with another poster who said give it two years - 1 year goes so fast and it can take time to establish strong and lasting friendships. Also, it takes time to get to know a new city and for it to feel like home.

Good luck!!