I don’t know the reason for this post, other than to put into words how I feel.
I’m a single (or lone) parent to a 15month old. My pregnancy came as a shock, and after over a decade of loathing to be a mum, i got a miracle which I never thought would happen. But even though I’ve played “mummy” before, this is tougher than I’ve ever imagined, and I never expected to do it alone.
I understood I would miss the nights out, feel isolated from the “that was a great night” group chats. To be honest, the nights out and holidays with friends haven’t really been missed too much. But to not even be able to sit and enjoy a series, a 1 hour episode of the latest drama without stop starting is driving me mad. To eat “cold” meals and sandwiches repeatedly, and to be constantly chasing my tail with work, money and household chores single handedly is becoming relentless.
She’s not a great sleeper, but better than some. But I’m constantly tired. The words “it’s a phase, it shall pass” are getting tiring, it’s been a year. It’s illness after illness, I don’t know where one ends and another begins, combined with teething. She’s had numerous hospital admissions for dehydration, a cough consistently since August, which gets worse and disturbs sleep. Cold after cold, amongst all the other viruses. Weaning is a huge struggle, and she didn’t take to food like a duck to water and 9 months on I’m lucky if she eats a meal a day, we make progress, she gets I’ll and we are back to square one. She also has numerous allergies and food adversities. I feel months are passing by, and nothing is getting easier. I’m tired of constantly trying, I feel like a broken record that everyone is fed up of listening too.
I would just like an evening where I can enjoy a cooked meal, 2 hour binge on Netflix, without the constant coughing or being on edge thinking how long until she wakes up. A long hot shower, a lie in, a moment to drink a hot coffee. A snippet of my old life, a break.
My only break is the nursery days, when she’s well enough, but for the last 5 months she’s had at least one day (out of 4) absent, due to sickness. But these days I’m working, earning money whilst I have the opportunity before the next “illness” strikes us down. When I’ve had the small offerings of help, I’ve just slept, but a week later I’m exhausted again.
Honestly don’t know what the point of this post was, but just to say out loud how I feel. But if you’ve read to this point, thank you.