Help with dinners for ds girlfriend *trigger warning eating disorder. *

[Paranoidandroidmarvin]

My ds has a wonderful girlfriend who we adore.
She has an eating disorder. It is not my place to pry as she has her own family etc etc. I just wanted some help with food when she is round my house.
Up till now I have just been putting food on her plate and telling her that please leave what she doesn’t want. We generally eat together but they do also eat in there room together.

I find she eats more when they just eat the two of them so will now just let them do that.

Should I be putting food on her plate for her or not. I can do a Buffett style food when she is here so she can do what she wants in terms of how much? I always ask what she would like for dinner. Is that the right thing to do?

We don’t speak to her parents and they are a far distance away and she isn’t a child so wouldn’t be my place.
I just wanted to know what other people do or if u have tips that will make her feel more comfortable while she is here.
I have asked her before but she got really embarrassed so hadn’t asked again.

I want her to feel comfortable in this house and don’t want to do the wrong thing. So any help would be good.

Also tips of what not to do would be good as well.

If she comes to your house for tea serve her what is being eaten for tea. Just like anyone else. Don't start chatting about it or making changes. You will just be highlighting it, joining in if she is having a bad time. Act as though you are entirely unaware of any issues and let her lead.

And yes, leave them to eat alone if that is appopriate, as your DS!

My DD has some food issues and we have found that letting her choose what goes on her plate is the best option - so everything is served centrally for people to help themselves.
Also no encouragement to eat or comments on what she is/isn’t eating. Asking her what she wants might be putting pressure on (not deliberately I know) as she may feel obliged to eat something if she has chosen it as it were

I think it’s strange to plate up for adults, and use serving bowls or plonk pans on the table
I guess just keep mealtimes unintense, avoid awkward silences, diet and body talk.

Have you asked DS what she prefers? Surely he would have a better idea.

I only plate up meals if it's a family only meal. If we have any guests at all I just put the food on the table and let everyone help themselves.

@Hoppinggreen that’s really helpful. I think I’m going to do that from now on. She doesn’t really talk about to my son either. Early days for her I think. So just trying to do what is best for her while she is here.

Hi op. Firstly I think it’s really nice of you to be so considerate of your sons girlfriends Ed. However and I mean this in the kindest possible way, for me personally when I’ve been in this situation (long standing Ed), for example when I used to go to ex’s parents for dinner (pre dc before we lived together) I’d find it quite awkward if I were treated any different to everyone else sat at the table. My advice is do what you would normally do at meal times. I’m assuming she knows you know about her Ed? I’d make it clear once, she’s under no pressure to eat everything on the plate/serve herself too much etc. Then leave her to it. It’s so awkward having issues with food and feeling as though each mouthful is being monitored etc (not saying you do this). I knew my ex inlaws were aware of my issues but they never made a big deal out of it. I’d feel comfortable there to eat as much or as little as I could manage. However in other situations eating with other people I’d feel so awkward I would stop attempting to eat with them. Just make her feel comfortable, don’t treat her any differently and she’ll be fine. I’d second asking your ds maybe as there may be a certain things she likes or dislikes.

Do you know what Ed she has? I’m guessing from your post restrictive AN. I have suffered from AN for far too many years. Firstly I’d say that the fact that she will eat at your house and continues to do so, is a really positive sign. At my worst there is no way I would have been able to do this. I can’t stress enough how much easier I find it to eat food that I have served myself. The idea that someone else decides my portion size terrifies me. I prefer it when food is served in its individual components, ie sauces served on the side. Dishes with more components are easier as there is more choice.
Maybe suggest to ds and gf that they cook the family meal one night. It might give you insight into how gf prefers things.

Thanks for your comment and it helps that this comes from someone who has this problem. I have spoke to my son today. And have talked about how we can keep things okay for her in the house.

It's really hard, isnt it. One of DD's friends has a serious eating disorder and has been hospitalised for long periods as she is so underweight. DD struggled all through the summer as most teenage plans involve food - shopping and nando's, ice cream, picnic at the park, pizza and netflix. They didn't want to pressure her but didn't want to exclude her either.

It is. I don’t want to make it worse. I want her to feel comforting our house. I think changing things to what people have said on here will help.

This comes from a place of complete ignorance in ED so feel free to ignore - maybe find out what foods are 'safe' for her or that she would eat more of, and try to incorporate those on a regular basis? Obviously not every meal time as that would be obvious but once a week. I would agree with the not plating up too, if it's control-related she may be more comfortable serving herself.

Bless you for being that mum

Ask if they fancy cooking dinner ? You can provide the £ or they can chose a takeaway? I say they as to not put the pressure on the GF .

and again you are a lovely thoughtful lady

When I have been through periods of struggling with food I found smaller portions more often much easier to manage than a huge plate of food.

I would eat 4-5 smaller meals throughout the day rather than 3 big ones.

Letting her serve herself with that will help, but also making sure she knows she can grab a banana off the side if she wants it or that she's free to use your fridge to store some snacks of her choosing which she can eat throughout the day.

I also much preferred picnic-style food where the ingredients were obvious - nothing too prepared where I didn't know what was in it.

Lovely that you are been so thoughtful. I don't pressure my dd I make food I know she likes and it's up to her if she eats it. (She's an ok weight) Don't be afraid to ask what she'd like but be aware it may take time for her to be honest. I would pile a lot of food on a plate and leave it to them to decide if they want to eat with you or not.

Sorry that meant to say do not pile food on plate!!

Also I struggle with what's in food if that makes sense. So chicken and chips - great. Stew- what veg is there? Is there boiled potatoes? Stock? Is there meat?

It may take time to get to know her eating habits.

Guys this has been incredibly helpful. All this information is wonderful. Never dealt with this as I have a son who will eat anything and everything. I just feel when she is under my roof she is in my care. She feels comfortable here and I just want her to feel like she can just do what she needs.
I’m not her mum. I’m not here to fix her ( would help if she wanted me to ) but as long as she is comfortable I’m good with that.

Whilst I wouldn’t say I have an eating disorder, I’ve suffered from disordered eating/ body dysmorphia for my whole life. As well meaning as you are, and lovely sounding, saying to me that I don’t need to eat everything, I’d assume you thought you’d given me a big portion and it would trigger the thought, “if I do eat everything, they’ll think I’m greedy.” So I’d make sure I left a bit just to show I wasn’t. Is maybe say something like a breezy, “can you just clear off your plates and put them in the dishwasher when you’ve finished?” So she doesn’t have to feel embarrassed about whether she’s finished or not.

Hopefully, the more you get to know her, the more you’ll know what she likes and you won’t have to ask what they want for dinner.

Also, don’t avoid offering desert or “unhealthy” options because you never know, she might feel comfortable enough to go for it and then you’ll have helped her to gain some calories. Or maybe have an option for desert like ice cream that they can “help themselves” to if they want it.

@LadyCatStark thanks. See. This is why I asked. I know how careful u have to be in what you say and something innocent could be the wrong thing. This is really helpful. I always have desserts in as my son has a bottomless pit for a stomach. I will take on board what you are saying. Thanks !

Just put everything in serving bowls. Don’t comment, don’t stare just eat and pay no notice to what she’s eating, make conversation normally.