Lonely and low

[NameChangeNeedSomeHelp]

I am single, live alone and early 40s. Pre-Covid I loved living alone, was thriving in my career (though overworked) and still optimistic about my chances of finding a partner in time to have a late baby.

Fast forward 2 yrs and I have been through a horrible experience of workplace bullying that forced me to leave my job. I now wfh in what should be a great new job but I barely have the energy to get into it. I wasn't very confident to begin with but am now a shadow of my former self due to the bullying and the corrosive effects of all the Covid isolation. I had to leave behind a huge amount that I had built and was passionate about in my last workplace. I have had counselling (for the bullying) and it was good but I don't think I can get much more out of it. I also now find it hard to see a future in which I can have a family of my own, which makes everything else seem pointless anyway.

Can anyone advise on how to pull myself up out of this? I am beginning to withdraw from all my friends - most of whom are busy with young children - and I no longer want to do anything. I recently had Covid and have suffered post-viral fatigue so have been unable to exercise for a couple of months now, which hasn't helped. I just lie on the sofa in the evenings and I find it hard to organise my thoughts anymore. Any ideas would be truly appreciated.

That sounds so sad, I am sorry. I haven't been in your situation, so am not the best person to offer suggestions, but for what it's worth:
Coping with fatigue is depressing in itself, but if you can take some small steps towards improving your stamina, you will probably feel better. Previously, what kind of exercise did you enjoy? I've been working on getting fitter over the past few months after two years of illness, and I feel massively more cheerful and optimistic as a result; I can enjoy walking again which gives me great pleasure. A step counter motivates me to get out every day; start with a very low target (say 3000 steps) and work up gradually.
Losing touch with friends - I can understand why it might be hard to be around people who knew the "old" you, and who are very taken up with children, but you need some social interactions; is there anything you are interested in that you might be able to do now, that would give you contact with people? Choral singing, playing an instrument, joining a local history group, some form of gentle exercise (aqua aerobics for oldies at my local leisure centre is great fun)? I realise you are working (full time?) but if you can make time and find the energy to do something for yourself, I think it might help.
Would you consider talking to your GP to see if they have any suggestions? It could be a mild antidepressant, some more talking therapy, or social prescribing. I know covid makes all this stuff harder and more complicated.
Are you eating ok? Sleeping?
I do wish you much better times.

Thank you @Bloodybridget I appreciate the reply. I really don't want to take antidepressants because even though what I am experiencing probably does count as depression they wouldn't tackle the root cause.

I do think I need to find a new social life. It's harder now because I used to work in London and based my social life there (my job was v social) but now with Covid I guess I need to be more local. I belong to a gym so that's probably the best starting point when I am well enough again. I have done a bit of searching for local groups (choirs etc.) but not taken anything further due to lack of confidence/energy. I guess I need tp push myself. I have a tendency to sign up for things and then flake out when I don't feel like going. I am also now genuinely concerned about getting Covid again because ut hit me so hard when I did.

Quite understand the Covid anxiety. Do you think you could just go to the gym, do a tiny bit of exercise, then sit and have a coffee or whatever (if there's a cafe)? And don't beat yourself up about starting something and dropping it. It's still worth having a go.

You sound very depressed. If antidepressants are the answer and you won’t at least try them, I’m not sure what else you can do, as I can assure you that no amount of clubs will treat a medical condition.

I may have been misleading with my previous comment but don't think what I am experiencing qualifies medically as depression, mainly based on taking the NHS online test which categorises me as 'not experiencing many of the symptoms'. It is more situational, hence the desire to find solutions that are lifestyle-based. I really don't want to start taking medication that I would then have to wean myself off again at some point.

@Bloodybridget yes, I think I need to build up to this and am hoping the fatigue will have reduced further by next week. My gym does have a good cafe.

I am eating fairly well and though my sleep isn't great I think it's linked to the current lack of exercise/screen time. I know I need to be more disciplined about these things but have struggled to be motivated.

Hi, I am in a similar position personally (though fortunately happy at work) and really empathise with this. Do you have any friends and family without young children you could spend time with? Seeing people is the best thing IMO. And yes do get some exercise (even if just a local walk or some gardening), it always makes one feel a bit better.

I very much empathise with you, particularly what you said about signing up to things then not going.

I think this time of year is particularly bad...dark most of the time, Christmas can be super lonely, and throw in covid and it's a horrible combination.

Do you feel like you would be able to reach out to any of your friends to arrange a short walk and/or coffee?

I find that even if I have one social contact planed for each month that helps. I also found a hobby where I have to sign up for sessions in advance and it is number dependent, so I can't drop out else I would let people down. It has worked for me as I have the habit of pulling out of things if I am feeling a bit anxious or low.

I do think a chat with the GP may help, or see of you have a wellbeing service locally who could offer either phone/group/online support? Ours does wellbeing socials and walks which I hear are very supportive.

It sounds as if you are still recovering from the bullying. It took me years to get over mine.

Covid has been a bugger. Try and plan to leave the house every day even if it is just to get milk. Your confidence is still there and it will bounce back.

Thanks everyone. It's helpful to hear that others can emphasise even though I'm sorry to know you are experiencing similar feelings.

@user1471538283 I think you are right. The bullying pushed me out of a job where I was very successful and has felt quite traumatic against the backdrop of Covid. I know I did the right thing in leaving and I have found a great new job but am just exhausted by the experience. The counsellor I worked with said that I had been in a very toxic environment and it would probably take me a year to bounce back fully - I'm sorry to hear you have had the same.

I do think the idea of small steps/small plans towards change is helpful. My friends do want to see me still but I'm clearly not a priority anymore, which is fair enough. I think I have to be much more proactive now as things just don't happen naturally like they used to and I have let myself sink.