PND or regretting motherhood?

[backtotheoldsmoke]

I must be the most ungrateful person ever. I'm extremely lucky, I have a helpful DH, a healthy DS, a great mother who is actively involved with helping with DS.

But some days all I want is to crawl in bed and stay in the dark. I'm already taking ADs and a series of other anxiety meds. I'm not in the U.K., meds are easily prescribed, so am already on a combination of strong meds.

I spent pregnancy in lockdown (loved being pregnant), had a horrible traumatic labour, hated newborn days, hated late babyhood, am hating early toddlerhood. He is into everything, he is so strong but he pulls my hair and bites and he takes everything from me, every day. I left like there's nothing left after he goes to bed. I know this is all as it should be but I'm more than exhausted. It's mental as well as physical.

He sleeps ok, naps only in the pram but that's ok as it gets me out of the house and makes me do some exercise. I eat well, I'm honestly extremely lucky and well supported but I don't feel like a person anymore. I get some time away from him but it's never properly scheduled it's usually because I'm close to the brink and then my family steps in. I love them for it and I can't ask for more.

I don't know if these are feeling which will pass or after years of waiting and wanting to be a mother, I'm not cut out for it.

Has anyone else come back from these feelings and started enjoying their DC? I want to enjoy it, those around me seem to enjoy it or at least have the patience to play with him and I just don't. Am I regretting motherhood?

PND. This was me. If you've had trauma (I have too, but with a late baby loss) then you need therapy alongside using ADs.

I'm sorry you're feeling this way. It is hard work going from 0-1. Even harder than 1-2 because you've lost your independence for a little while and having a baby is a big responsibility too. Its not just about looking after yourself anymore but a tiny human too. Do you feel you've bonded with him?

I meant to say that going from 1-2 is a little easier because number 2 just slots into number 1s routine. Plus you've done it all before. Becoming a mother for the first time is hard.

I hope so. Most the time I want be somewhere else and/or be someone else

Do you work?

I didn’t truly escape my PND until I went back to work. I hated being trapped at home with a toddler all day. I wish I hadn’t left my old job in the first place!

Yes but from home in a job I'm due to leave for unmovable and particular reasons in a few months. I love my job. I'm very sad to leave but we are moving abroad so no choice.

I can understand this, op. I wondered whether I had made a mistake because I just couldn't adapt the self I had become after over twenty years of adulthood to the reality of being the mother of a small child.

DD is now four, and those sensations I once felt have entirely faded because I can now interact with her as a small and slightly bonkers person with thoughts, feelings and perspectives of her own, rather than a non-verbal baby or toddler. Now I cherish my interactions with her.

I think some women just can't do babies or toddlers. And I was one of them. It is possible you could be too.

@Packingsoapandwater that really helps. Is your DD an only? Considering everything I've been through not sure I could do it again

Sometimes the anti depressant dose needs to be changes. This was my case after DC 2. An uninformed gp told me to try harder but once my dose was change it just helped enough.
You say you are moving abroad - will you have a support network when you get there? I also live abroad and I know it can be a challenge for mental health. So something to consider.

Just want to let you know that you arent alone and i can relate to most of your post. I also loved being pregnant despite lockdown and had this wonderful vision of what being a mother would be like and thought I would be good at it, well how wrong i was.
I dont feel like a person anymore either. I am a husk now that goes through the motions.
Things are a bit better now im back working full time but i feel like im still waiting for it to all to fall in place. Its so hard to describe but i think you get it.
I dont know what to say but i just keep hoping it will get better with time and i really hope the same for you.

[quote backtotheoldsmoke]@Packingsoapandwater that really helps. Is your DD an only? Considering everything I've been through not sure I could do it again[/quote]
Yes, she is an only child. But then I am an only too, so it was probably always going to be the case because that's what I know.

I suspect I probably primarily understand people through cerebral mechanisms, which caused problems when I obviously couldn't access that dimension with dd because, well, she couldn't vocalise very much.

Interestingly, I've never really understood having a pet either, which might suggest I can't emotionally connect very easily with other living things if I can't communicate with their minds fairly directly.

I didn't understand dd when she was small. I can't really cope with situations that seem irrational or where I cannot access the source or cause of distress. I just get caught in a processing loop.

Now I can because she's older, and it's like a completely different relationship with a different entity.

It's also possible that I'm not entirely neurotypical.

It's so hard. Mine is now 7 and I still find parenthood overwhelming. Needless to say I stuck at one.