Never get a return invite

IDontKnowWhyAye · 2022-01-03T14:15:25+00:00

I'd say I'm friendly. I try to be normal. Try not to be overboard. So can you suggest why "friends"/"new acquaintances" never invite me round to their house after they visit mine? I'm a new mum, so I'm trying to make mum friends. I'm also trying to make friends as we moved here just before lockdown. I meet people, e.g. at baby groups, organise to go out for a coffee, invite them round one day and that's it...I never get invited back, what's with that?! I don't think we have fleas as we're not covered in bites and I flea-treat my cat well & on time😂 I don't think we smell, I shower daily, open windows etc 😂 ...

girlmom21 · 03/01/2022 14:17

I think inviting people to your home is a really personal thing and it's not something I'd do with a new acquaintance.

Original poster

IDontKnowWhyAye · 03/01/2022 14:18

@girlmom21 fair enough maybe I'm too friendly there then.

OP posts:

Comedycook · 03/01/2022 14:19

Maybe they're worried their houses aren't nice enough or tidy enough?

LethargicActress · 03/01/2022 14:21

Some people just don’t like hosting at home, especially when there’s other people’s children involved, and they’d prefer to meet up out somewhere.

girlmom21 · 03/01/2022 14:22

[quote IDontKnowWhyAye]@girlmom21 fair enough maybe I'm too friendly there then.[/quote]
It's probably not you inviting them that's the issue. If they come they must be ok with it.

But they might not be ready to reciprocate.

Do they try and make other plans or not?

Original poster

IDontKnowWhyAye · 03/01/2022 14:32

@girlmom21 on a rare occasion yes.

OP posts:

Geneticsbunny · 03/01/2022 14:46

I invite people over all the time and no one ever invites us back. I don't think inviting people over is the "done" thing these days. I think most people find it too stressful. Keep doing it though because the more socialing your kids whilst you are there to model how it works the better they will be at navigating it.

Longcovid21 · 03/01/2022 14:48

Do you have a super impressive house that people feel they can't match? I'd like to host more but have anxiety about people seeing my space!

madisonbridges · 03/01/2022 14:50

Its a historical issue. Culturally it has not been a thing for British people to go to each others houses. People tended to meet at pubs or outside the house. I think things are changing now but it's still quite ingrained to meet out for a coffee rather than at someone's house. (This is a generalisation and obviously not true for 100%. )

WorraLiberty · 03/01/2022 14:54

@madisonbridges

Its a historical issue. Culturally it has not been a thing for British people to go to each others houses. People tended to meet at pubs or outside the house. I think things are changing now but it's still quite ingrained to meet out for a coffee rather than at someone's house. (This is a generalisation and obviously not true for 100%. )

Huh? That's the first time in all my 52 years I've ever heard that.

'Culturally' people have always gone to each other's houses, particularly before coffee shops were even a thing and cafes etc were few and far between - not to mention expensive.

Just10moreminutesplease · 03/01/2022 14:57

I only really invite close friends to my house (especially now I have a baby and it’s more likely to need a tidy!). I’m happy to meet new friends out and about though.

Try not to take it personally and continue with the coffee dates until your friendships naturally progress .

Newgirls · 03/01/2022 14:58

I like to get out. They may not want to spend yet more time in their house. Can you meet in a park/coffee shop/baby music etc? More interesting for everyone

girlmom21 · 03/01/2022 14:59

@madisonbridges

Its a historical issue. Culturally it has not been a thing for British people to go to each others houses. People tended to meet at pubs or outside the house. I think things are changing now but it's still quite ingrained to meet out for a coffee rather than at someone's house. (This is a generalisation and obviously not true for 100%. )

That's not true. As a kid our parents always took us to their friends houses.

RampantIvy · 03/01/2022 14:59

Its a historical issue. Culturally it has not been a thing for British people to go to each others houses. People tended to meet at pubs or outside the house. I think things are changing now but it's still quite ingrained to meet out for a coffee rather than at someone's house. (This is a generalisation and obviously not true for 100%. )

I'm not sure I agree with you. My friends and I often used to meet for coffee at each others houses. Less often now as work has got in the way. We are rural so going into town for a coffee is much more of a faff than walking round to a friend's house.

Lauren0902 · 03/01/2022 15:02

I always go to visit my friends especially if they have a baby or a toddler as it's easier for them to be at their home where all the baby/toddler things are.
I prefer when people just pop round to mine at the last minute, that way I don't have time to get fanatical about the place being a mess. I actually prefer heading out though and meeting friends for lunch, coffee, etc even with kids in tow

CeibaTree · 03/01/2022 15:03

@madisonbridges

Its a historical issue. Culturally it has not been a thing for British people to go to each others houses. People tended to meet at pubs or outside the house. I think things are changing now but it's still quite ingrained to meet out for a coffee rather than at someone's house. (This is a generalisation and obviously not true for 100%. )

This isn't my experience. How far back in history are you going? We went to lots of my mum's friend's houses with her as kids in the 80s/90s and we always had a lot of visitors too. I doubt mums at that time were meeting other people in pubs and coffee shops as pubs weren't the family friendly places they are now, and there weren't so many coffee shops around.

steppemum · 03/01/2022 15:07

@madisonbridges

Its a historical issue. Culturally it has not been a thing for British people to go to each others houses. People tended to meet at pubs or outside the house. I think things are changing now but it's still quite ingrained to meet out for a coffee rather than at someone's house. (This is a generalisation and obviously not true for 100%. )

This is so not true in any way.

working class- every one popped in and out of each others houses all the time, sat atkithcen tabel and drank tea. Kids played together in street and ran in and out of each others houses. Ok maybe this was more women than men?

upper classes - they ALWAYS socialised 'at home' ladies used to call on each other in the afternoons, that is where the afternoon tea comes from and it was the most common form of socialisation, when someone moved to a new area, they dropped off their calling card at neighbours houses, and then called in themselves.
Balls, dances and dinner parties, all at home.

steppemum · 03/01/2022 15:11

I do think it is an individual thing. I have alwyas had more people here than been inviteds to theirs.
I am the sort who is happy to have an open house, I notice it is a big deal for others, more of an invitation to invite you round.

I have several friendships where they always come here, my kids are older now, but it still continues. As kids ahve grown up, we have moved on, one of them we now always dog walk together.

SandysMam · 03/01/2022 15:15

I wonder if with Instagram etc people feel more ashamed of their homes thinking everyone else has a kitchen island? I have a perfectly nice home but often feel shame that it’s not 50 shades of grey or immaculately clean. Might be why?

Comedycook · 03/01/2022 15:35

@SandysMam

I wonder if with Instagram etc people feel more ashamed of their homes thinking everyone else has a kitchen island? I have a perfectly nice home but often feel shame that it’s not 50 shades of grey or immaculately clean. Might be why?

Yes I think this might be it...My house is nice enough but I don't have everything in immaculate condition or a brand new gloss white kitchen extension. Does out me off entertaining at home!

Comedycook · 03/01/2022 15:36

*put me off

Original poster

IDontKnowWhyAye · 03/01/2022 19:42

Thanks everyone. Me and DH often talk about this and think it may be awkwardness on other people's part. I wouldn't say we have a super flashy home but it's big-ish for the area with lots of living space (4 bed older house, not new build with a big garden). I've never really bought into Instagram but do understand it and it's effects on people so it could well be that. But I don't have things perfect or "insta" ready, I just make sure everything is tidy tidyish and clean when I've invited people over. Our kitchen is old, as our house is a project and our downstairs bathroom isn't fully refurbished but it's functional so definitely not Insta friendly!
It's pretty British to have people over etc so I disagree with the comments about culture.
But maybe agree that people are sick of being in a house!

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StarShapedWindow · 03/01/2022 19:49

I think it’s a confidence thing. I love having people over and always invite people - we rarely get invited back but the same people always want to come to our house and even suggest it themselves. Two of my closest friends have told me they love coming to mine but find it really stressful to host.

Projectingmuch · 03/01/2022 20:06

I only really have one friend who comes over to mine and I’ve known her for about 20 years. I was speaking to another friend today and we were talking about how we feel bad about not reciprocating invitations due to our grumpy partners, so it might be that!

nonono1 · 03/01/2022 20:22

I sometimes get invites to other people’s houses. I would love to invite them back but never do, because I don’t think my house is nice enough and am embarrassed. It could be that?