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Original poster

FIL - eating habits - arrgghh

51 replies

TooMuchToblerone · 03/01/2022 12:31

Due to pandemic our meet ups with PIL have been outdoors with no meals involved. New Years Day we went to their house and I've been reminded of the horror of FIL's eating.
The noise is ridiculous. The loudest smacking and chomping noises with mouth open. Wouldn't be surprised if neighbours could hear. MIL clearly oblivious. DH agrees it's awful and when I caught his eye during dinner he made a face and mouthed "I know".
If we were at our house I'd pop music on to try to drown it out. At theirs' they don't have a music player in dining room and I can hardly put on my iTunes. He's always been like this but yesterday was the worst ever.
Obviously I can't say anything - this is him. He's an adult.
There's other minor issues - they are super tight with drinks - I get one drink in a 5 hour visit then just have to get water (they keep wine on floor between them and only fill up their glasses), and MIL's food hygiene is appalling (think cooked chicken sat on side for 4 hours then being offered sandwiches - obvs we decline) - how are they not ill??? I can cope with all these, but the eating!!
I get stressed by noisy eaters (misophobia?) and have married into a family where FiL must win prize for world's noisiest eater.
Nothing I can do is there? Just would like to hear there are others in this situation as I feel miserable at thought of going there again but it's unavoidable as can't make excuses forever to dodge their house.

OP posts:

BrutusMcDogface · 03/01/2022 15:50

Re: stepdad, I would always ensure there was music playing but that was because I lived there! Couldn’t very well insist on that in someone else’s house.

RaoulDufysCat · 03/01/2022 16:03

The revolting eating habits and tightness with wine sound truly awful (and I agree with taking your own bottle next time).

But "cooked chicken sat on side for 4 hours then being offered sandwiches - obvs we decline" is a bit crazy. No cooked chicken will go off in a matter of hours.

whatwasIgoingtosay · 03/01/2022 16:10

OMG - my late FIL was like this and we used to stay with them regularly, sometimes for a week at a time. It was pure torture! Thank goodness those days are in the past now.

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GETTINGLIKEMYMOTHER · 03/01/2022 16:12

Sympathies, OP. We had a friend (gone now) who had the most appalling table manners. Noisy eating/slurping/chewing with his mouth open, talking through a mouthful of food, aiming far too much at his gaping maw and slopping some of it down his front…,

Whenever we ate with him, dds would fight (in private) as to who was not going to sit opposite him, it was so gross.

He’d evidently never been taught at home, but he’d been incredibly successful professionally, and must have countless meals out or with friends/colleagues, so how on earth he didn’t pick up basic manners on the way, I can’t imagine.

One thing parents can always do for their children is to teach them acceptable table manners!

TheWomandestroyed · 03/01/2022 16:20

Keep the wine to themselves! Fuck that, I would never return, how mean and rude. Why do people let that kind of behaviour go unchallenged?

jamandmarmaladethesecondcoming · 03/01/2022 16:25

i would say 'are you aware the noise you make when you eat in front of other people, we both find it very unpleasant'

i would avoid visiting theirs if they have poor food hygiene and tell them why if asked.

Si1ver · 03/01/2022 16:26

Yes, why not just hold out your glass and ask if you could have some more wine? What would they do if you did this?

For the noise have you heard of loop earplugs? They're meant to cut down on noise rather than block everything out so you might be able to tolerate the mouth sounds while still holding a conversation. www.loopearplugs.com/

daisyjgrey · 03/01/2022 16:33

YANBU.

You are however being unreasonable about the chicken. If you made a chicken sandwich at 8am and took it to work you would still eat it at 1pm. Nobody will die.

Clutterbusting · 03/01/2022 16:33

Ha this could be my FIL minus the wine (just a million cups of tea in questionable mugs stirred with dirty spoon and boiled in FILTHY kettle) He eats worse than a camel and my DH has been scarred for life. He hears anyone eat at home or on the tv and he can’t handle it! I feel your pain

Oddbutnotodd · 03/01/2022 16:41

Chicken can go off quite quickly. Leftovers should be cooled within 2 hours and then refrigerated. Making a chicken sandwich you would probably use cold cooked chicken from the fridge. It’s definitely not the same.

MerryChristmas21 · 03/01/2022 16:41

Why not just tell your DH that you're 'done' eating with his parents. Either he goes alone or you.meet up as you did during covid.

HaveringWavering · 03/01/2022 16:50

@RaoulDufysCat

The revolting eating habits and tightness with wine sound truly awful (and I agree with taking your own bottle next time).

But "cooked chicken sat on side for 4 hours then being offered sandwiches - obvs we decline" is a bit crazy. No cooked chicken will go off in a matter of hours.

People are obsessed with putting things in the fridge, then your sandwich is made with horrible chilled chicken. Cooked food is fine to be left out for 4 hours, the only potential problem is it drying out or in summer getting flies on it.

Original poster

TooMuchToblerone · 03/01/2022 16:54

Seems a lot of people have had similar and some worse. Will definitely consider ear plugs but much prefer idea of never eating in same room again! I went to toilet 3 times during meal just to get away.
On the wine they store all alcohol outside including what we bring. They pour a glass each, then put it on floor, then refill their own glasses then it's empty. FIL then moves onto beer that he fetches from outside. MIL always seems to have a full glass of wine. If I go to kitchen I don't see an open bottle of wine there or anywhere else. I have never worked out how her glass gets refilled or from where. I will start keeping the wine we take and refilling my glass. DH usually is the driver so only drinks water (or soft drinks we take) as they don't provide soft drinks. So odd.
On the chicken I didn't realise it was fine to leave out if the fridge - that's my mistake. I always put it away within an hour as always thought I needed to. I might accept a chicken sandwich.
Unless FiL has been witnessed licking fingers while carving......
I appreciate the replies. I felt quite murderous during the meal. I just didn't know what to do with myself and I was furthest away from him!

OP posts:

Faretheewellmyfairyfay · 03/01/2022 17:40

@LawnFever

Why do you make his drinks too hot then? I can't drink very hot tea and coffee (my definition of what is too hot isn't the same as everyone else either, apparently) and all my close family and friends can make it drinkable for me. I can even get the servers in the coffee shop to make it drinkable for me straight away, with a quick explanation. It's not hard.

(I do sympathise with you and the other posters about these very loud, messy, fussy eaters and drinkers though. A few may have a physiological or medical reason why, the rest are just unpleasant.)

Faretheewellmyfairyfay · 03/01/2022 17:57

Sounds like you need to 'develop' a set of complicated food intolerances, and join for only drinks and not the meal at all future birthday occasions? Or bring your own in a tuck box? (Not sure what to do about your kids if you have to take them - can the whole family 'go vegan' for the purposes of family visits? Vegan and gluten free? Then you can all take your own!)

For me personally it would be the food hygiene standards that were the issue, not the chicken being out for a bit but the general lack of handwashing etc. Although the rest isn't pleasant either.

LawnFever · 03/01/2022 18:12

@Faretheewellmyfairyfay

He drinks tea, how on earth do you make a decent cup of tea if you don’t make it with boiling water from the kettle then a dash of milk?

I’m not a cafe, and the normal way to make & drink tea is for it to be hot and let it cool a bit before you drink it.

Nobody drinks boiling hot drinks, they let them cool, I assume your friends & family are adding cold water to yours - its unnecessary, just wait for it to cool down like everyone else

I do feel at my most British defending the correct way to make & drink tea

LawnFever · 03/01/2022 18:13

Ok, or in a pot but still needs boiling water to start with

Original poster

TooMuchToblerone · 03/01/2022 18:29

Really liking the intolerance idea! Several years ago this happened - every time we visited and ate I got sick a few hours later. Literally vomiting. They know it was genuine as it happened a couple of times when we stayed over. We thought it was a cooking oil or herb that MIL uses but never got to bottom of it as MIL was very evasive when I tried to ask what was in things ("oh this and that" or "I can't remember as I make it up as I go along") and it stopped after a few times. Didn't affect anyone else.
I still get stomach cramps whenever we eat there but no vomiting.
I know it sounds silly that I haven't done more about the food situation but my relationship with MIL hasn't been easy and she ostracises and bullies anyone who questions her ways. She's a feisty one. We don't see a great deal of them anyway as we often have excuses ready and I couldn't go NC as they are not evil or nasty and they're the DC's only grandparents. FIL is the most pleasant of the two - except for his table manners. He's a nice guy. Just an animal at the table.

OP posts:

MrsBaublesDylan · 03/01/2022 20:21

Just don't ever go. Let dh go on his own.

I think the fact that they have poor hygiene and you get sickness/cramps is enough of a reason.

jamandmarmaladethesecondcoming · 03/01/2022 20:55

why would anyone put up with stomach cramps from their poor hygiene/cooking just to please family? sod that. they're not accomodating you are they?

stupiduser · 03/01/2022 22:04

One of my children can't bear eating sounds (I sympathise I hate it too) so she always watches something on her phone with earphones in when at home so she can't hear anyone. I would like to point out we all eat nicely but she can't stand a single sound!

Original poster

TooMuchToblerone · 03/01/2022 22:32

To be fair I don't know what causes the stomach cramps - I suspect it's more an intolerance than food poisoning. It's only me.
It's over 2 years since we ate there due to pandemic which I must admit suited me well as what with FIL's awful noisy eating and their tightness with drink, I've been glad to have an excuse. I always think the cramps won't happen again but they do - every time.
If I could fix one thing though it'd be the noisy eating but that's never going to change.

OP posts:

jamandmarmaladethesecondcoming · 03/01/2022 23:45

I would be grateful they don't offer you a second glass of wine.

Are they the type that collect their guests wine glasses when they leave and tip the dregs back in the bottle?

I have seen Nigel Slater ad Nigella do this....and obviously I have declined any of their invitations since

Mariposista · 04/01/2022 00:09

Yuk yuk and yuk. My idea of hell - cannot stand bad table manners. Meet them elsewhere with no food involved.

violetbunny · 04/01/2022 00:32

Just send DH to theirs with the kids, no need for you to go

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