Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Chat

Join the discussion and chat with other Mumsnetters about everyday life, relationships and parenting.

Flip

Original poster

Ds and his girlfriend

20 replies

Walking4You · 02/01/2022 19:00

Entering an unknown territory (for me!). My parents weren’t the best so I’m keen in avoiding their mistakes.

Ds is 18yo and has his first girlfriend. So far so good. No issue what so ever with that of course.

He hasn’t talked about it though. I only know because I happened to bump into them outside the house one evening, in each other’s arms. (They ‘run away’ as soon as they saw me)
I also know they’ve been meeting up on their own (ds needing me to take him places)
He is planning to go away with her and her parents in a couple of weekends.

However, he still hasn’t acknowledged she is his girlfriend.

So my question

do I have a chat with him? So far he is never ever mentioning her in that way. But it feels weird to know he is going away with her whilst not acknowledging he is going to spend a whole weekend with her and her parents…

How would you handle that?

OP posts:

Original poster

Walking4You · 02/01/2022 19:38

Bumping for some insights

OP posts:

Changethetoner · 02/01/2022 19:41

How do you know the plans about the weekend with her parents? Did he tell you? That's good surely, it shows there are some lines of communication open between you.

Sparklingbrook · 02/01/2022 19:44

He’s 18. He doesn’t need to discuss anything with you.

Original poster

Walking4You · 02/01/2022 20:57

I know@Sparklingbrook.
That’s why I haven’t asked him anything as such. Not have I commented on it so far.

I know about it because he asked if he could go.
He is at this strange place where he is technically an adult but still in 6th form and living like a teenager.
Plus, living with us, I would have expected him to let us know anyway.

OP posts:

Terminallysleepdeprived · 02/01/2022 21:13

I think you need to be careful how you approach this. He is technically an adult so he really doesn't have to ask permission but whilst still I 6th form I do think he should discuss it with you.

Maybe ask if he wants to invite his girlfriend over for dinner and see where it goes from there?

MsFrog · 02/01/2022 21:16

@Sparklingbrook

He’s 18. He doesn’t need to discuss anything with you.

🙄

But it's unusual and uncomfortable for any adult you live with to deliberately keep information from you, especially something so clearly obvious, so you have to pussyfoot around wondering whether to mention it.

CagneyNYPD1 · 02/01/2022 21:17

Play it cool. Just refer to her by her name. Don't worry about the gf label. Just make it clear that you trust your ds and his choices (even if you are not quite sure!)

Sparklingbrook · 02/01/2022 21:18

Plus, living with us, I would have expected him to let us know anyway

I don't think that follows. From my experience they tell you what they want to tell you at that age 6th form or not. I would just wait.

Sparklingbrook · 02/01/2022 21:21

I have two DSs (22 and 19 but only the youngest lives here) I have no idea what they might be keeping from me, but know better than to interrogate them as the more you ask the less they'll tell you.

AlDanvers · 02/01/2022 21:21

Dd (almost 18) has had a boyfriend for about a year. There was no official converstation that decalre they were a couple. He just started coming round. We all knew he was her boyfriend. She knew we knew.

That was it. And we do talk about everything and are very close. We just accepted he was there and part of her life.

I would ask things like 'Is Sam (not his actual name) coming over, will he want dinner?'.

And treated him like I would any new friend.

Original poster

Walking4You · 03/01/2022 09:10

Thanks you all.

I’ve been writing a really long post and then realised that it was a bit pointless and me waffling on .
However it helped me clarified a few things for myself, including why I have been feeling pulled in two opposite directions.

OP posts:

Original poster

Walking4You · 03/01/2022 09:13

@Terminallysleepdeprived, when I saw them in front of the house, I reminded ds that it was ok for him to being anyone in and they had no reason to stay outside in the dark and cold. They were more than welcome to come in.

He hasn’t invited her over.

OP posts:

MoiraNotRuby · 03/01/2022 09:16

I think my DS will be the same when the time comes. He's very private about his life. I don't really have any advice but good luck.

DebIr · 03/01/2022 09:16

I would speak with him. He may be happy to invite her over which would be lovely.
I also do think you have some responsibility to discuss safe sex with him however uncomfortable that may be. Did with both my two and was particularly aware that mine were both sons.

Paranoidandroidmarvin · 03/01/2022 09:16

Oh gosh. My son is the opposite. I get everything. She stays round here. He asks for help with his outfits and help with his spots etc. I do tell him this isn’t normal for an 18 year old 😂 I think he is probably embarrassed. He will probably chat when he feels more comfortable about it.

Terminallysleepdeprived · 03/01/2022 09:25

He hasn’t invited her over

@walking4you have you invited her?

To be honest being an adult and living at home is awkward for a lot of people. Maybe he just doesn't feel comfortable inviting someone into your house. Extend the offer yourself

Galliano · 03/01/2022 09:30

This doesn't address all the things in your OP but when my 19 year old DD was getting involved in her first relationships there was this really complex set of rules with stages like ‘talking to’. She had one boy I would have described as a boyfriend for almost a year who apparently was never her boyfriend. Her first serious boyfriend was staying here several nights a week for months before he was officially her boyfriend. She’s now a university student and the rules seem to have been abandoned, she just met a boy who rapidly became her boyfriend.

Although DD was open about who she was with, where she was etc it did mean she was a bit constrained about how she described people. She now laughs about the fact first serious boyfriend was not her boyfriend for months whilst staying here. I assume their status would have theoretically allowed him to be non exclusive but he absolutely wasn’t so there was no reason to it.

Original poster

Walking4You · 03/01/2022 11:45

@Terminallysleepdeprived I think you’re right about him not feeling comfortable to invite her over. I wish he was.

@DebIr yes the question about safe sex came to my mind too. We’ve talked about sex/consent many times before.
But that’s where I feel pulled in different directions. I don’t have na issue with ‘being awkward’ about it. I do have an issue with at the same time saying he is an adult and I should but out of his life and his relationship/sex life whilst at the same time saying I have to step in and tell him what to do/remind him about safe sex because he is a teenager….

OP posts:

Original poster

Walking4You · 03/01/2022 11:45

@Galliano that’s really nice to hear tbh.

OP posts:

DebIr · 03/01/2022 13:43

Think that’s where I used my concern for the girl as she could be the one getting pregnant. I also discussed different contraception to avoid pregnancy vs STIs (work in infectious diseases so know a lot of people only worry about pregnancy).
I was also pretty clear I could be involved in picking up the pieces if needs be.
Only had the one conversation with each son and haven’t asked anything since.

Flip