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Original poster

How to be more confident (and/or perhaps care less!?!)

15 replies

FuggyPidding · 02/01/2022 15:08

In my forties, wife/mum, decent job, nice friends, financially secure etc etc, and I'm happy- but oh how I wish I had more confidence. I'm quite quiet and very self conscious, I really care what people think about me and I think it's that what is knocking my confidence. I worry about what I look like (to other people), how I sound when I talk, my mannerisms, my behaviour etc. I'm scared of sounding silly or looking stupid, so much so it stops me doing things. For example, I'm really reluctant to answer the phone at work in case I don't know how to deal with the enquiry, especially if there are other people in the office and I think they'll hear me.

I know people who are full of confidence and don't seem to care what people think of them and it actually seems really liberating! My colleague the other day told me how she spilt her coffee all over herself, the server, the table etc in the middle of a busy cafe. She had no reason to tell me (I wouldn't have known) but she was just laughing at herself/ the situation, saying she was mortified but could see the funny side now. If that happened to me, I would have been so embarrassed and never mentioned it again! Her response was liberating, I wish I was more like that- but how?
Are there any books I could read on how to improve my confidence? Or stop over thinking? Or worrying what people think?

Anyone else feel like this?

Any tips would be appreciated. Thank you.

OP posts:

MavisMonkey · 02/01/2022 15:47

I think, as you've already started to realise, the key is to care less.

Also (in the nicest possible way) you need to realise that others don't really care that much about what you do so there's no point tying yourself up in knots about what others think when in all likelihood it's not on their radar

With that in mind do you even need to change? I was painfully shy as a kid and am now an odd mix of extrovert (learned behaviour gained from a fake it until you make it mindset) and introvert (my natural inclination)- I think lots of people are like this. I'm sure you're perfect the way you are so only push yourself out of your comfort zone if it will make you happier.

If you so want to be more confident start with a few small things- answering the phone at work would be one, or telling a story / joke you wouldn't normally, joining a conversation that you might otherwise avoid or wearing something you love that you normally wouldn't. As I mentioned sure it's centred around things that will make you happier though- not doing it to please other people or to meet some expectations exist only in your head. So only join a conversation that is with someone you think you'd like to know better iysim.

Original poster

FuggyPidding · 02/01/2022 20:23

Thank you for your reply.
I totally agree about other people not really caring / paying attention to anything I'm doing! I do tell myself this. I'm definitely an over thinker. E.g.. I'll retell a conversation to myself over and over, analysing it, thinking why did I say that, how did I come across etc. Knowing full well that the other person wouldn't have given it a second thought!!
And I'm not too introvert that I can't have conversations or join in at work etc. I am fairly sociable. One of the quiet ones on a group and I prefer 1-1 conversations as opposed to big groups but I wouldnt say I'm too shy and I can hold my own.
I think maybe I need to lighter up more, see the funny side of things.
I have been told I'm quite serious!
Just not sure how to do that...?!

OP posts:

LuvMyBoyz · 02/01/2022 20:45

Try Richard Carlson’s ‘Stop Thinking Start Living’. It certainly helped me. It takes a lot of practice but I shake things off a lot quicker now and care much less about what others think (and realise that they’re probably not even thinking anything!).

Aquamarine1029 · 02/01/2022 20:55

You think all of these people care about what you look like, what you wear, how you sound, the mistakes you make. They unequivocally do not. Knowing this is the key to self-confidence and liberation.

It's so silly to live in this self-imposed prison. Let it go.

BertieBotts · 02/01/2022 21:00

Do these things more (force yourself) and see what happens. Usually nothing bad.

Think about when you interact with others. Would you really be judging them for the things you worry about yourself? Do you even notice? Do you maybe even think they are admirable? I bet you are not judging them negatively. It's likely other people are like you, making judgements like you, and it's very unlikely that your mannerisms are uniquely awkward or so very different to others that they would notice or be bothered by it. In the nicest way - you are not that special or important to other people, which means that you can relax about most things you are worrying about.

BertieBotts · 02/01/2022 21:01

Maybe it would be worth doing something like CBT especially if it is affecting you at work, being too worried to answer the phone etc. That could be very helpful.

pastypirate · 02/01/2022 21:07

Sounds like a form of anxiety. Sorry op sounds tough.
Don't you have a standard greeting at work and procedures? If you don't feel able to answer the phone that's a training issue I imagine and not your fault.

Original poster

FuggyPidding · 02/01/2022 22:28

Thanks all. You do talk sense!
I do realise I'm not that important / special and that no one really cares what I look or sound like etc. I'm just so self conscious. I'm an over thinker and a worrier. And there is definitely some anxiety there.

OP posts:

user1471423151 · 02/01/2022 23:39

I think this sort of mindset is traditionally thought of as a female issue, and probably in the main it is, but as a bloke in my mid-50’s - reasonably successful, financially secure, family - who experiences pretty much everything in the OP, I can confirm it is truly shit.

Original poster

FuggyPidding · 03/01/2022 09:44

@user1471423151

Sorry to hear this. I find it quite restrictive and debilitating. Probably mainly frustrating as I know it's irrational in the main and it's just me over thinking!

OP posts:

Onlyrainbows · 03/01/2022 09:45

I also second therapy or CBT

Onceuponatimethen · 03/01/2022 10:00

I have also been through this op and have managed to some extent to get less bothered by others’ views of me. I had a very good cbt counsellor and some of the things she told me have really helped me.

She said that having an affirmation to repeat can be really helpful. She explained that for many of us it’s not at all realistic not to care at all what others think and far more realistic to say something like this “it’s ok to care a bit about what other people think of me, but I care FAR more about what I think”.

I’ve found this really freeing. I wouldn’t cut someone dead for a stupid faux pas in conversation or for wearing a scruffy jacket or whatever. So repeating this and going through that thought process has really helped me.

Original poster

FuggyPidding · 04/01/2022 14:07

Thank you.

I have told myself that e.g.. if someone I'm talking to stutters over their words, I don't think less of them at all. But when I do it, I beat myself up about it! Or if I've got a spot on my face, I think it looks obvious but I'm sure no one else would notice and so what if they did? If a friend had a spot I wouldn't think anything of it!
I guess I'm a perfectionist and have high expectations (of myself not necessarily others), everything has to be just so or go how I want it too, otherwise I fret over it. It's very draining!!

OP posts:

TheFoundation · 04/01/2022 14:17

OK, lets get to the root of this. Who do you think sets the rules about how you're supposed to behave? Who is the authority that says if you chuck coffee all over the show, you've failed in some way? Who is the authority listening to what you say, and potentially scarily, telling you you're doing it wrong?

Obviously, it's nobody, in reality. But what you're displaying are signs of conditioning. Did what you personally, felt/thought/said as a child matter? Or were you made to feel like there were more important things going on than little old you?

This has to have a root somewhere, right? Nobody is born cowering.

Chelsea26 · 04/01/2022 14:21

That sounds tough OP and I think it’s good that you have realised that in caring so much you may be limiting/upsetting yourself for no good reason.

I am the polar opposite and genuinely don’t give a monkeys what people think of me and just go about my business without giving others opinions a second thought, though I would never purposely hurt/upset/offend anyone.

I think part of it, as PP have said, is that people are not judging you - but also it’s good to remember that if people do judge you they’re not very nice and why would you want them to like you or give a toss anyway…

I don’t like judgmental or mean people, I don’t want them in my life and therefore their opinions don’t matter.

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