Feeling so low.

[Lj8893]

Don’t really know why I’m posting to be honest. Im just finding life really tough at the moment, in particular today.

I lost my DF in October, he had a long term condition and had been in hospital for a few weeks leading to his passing, I was his NOK (I do have a younger brother) and so the one doing all of the hospital communication and all of the admin work and funeral arrangements. Not something I expected to do in my early 30s. He was a good dad but a difficult man to spend time with and I feel so guilty that I didn’t spend enough quality time with him. I didn’t do enough to help him.

A week or 2 after my DF passed my DH (who is great) had an episode what I would call a mental breakdown. He had suicidal thoughts, commenced medication straight away, and then was really poorly with these and our relationship has really suffered.
He is doing better since starting councilling and although a lot of his mental health is to do with his horrible childhood, I am a big cause of his mental breakdown. A few years ago when I was studying I did not prioritise our relationship and he felt very unloved and unwanted (emotionally and sexually) and whilst we sorted this a few years ago, I am not the most sexual or emotionally attentive of people and he struggles with this. Logically I and he know this is related to his childhood of being neglected etc but I definitely feel I am to blame for his breakdown and current state of mental health.

I just feel so so low, I’m fine when I’m fine, but every so often I get this wave of just numbness and sometimes sadness. I have an episode of this at least once a day.

NYE was awful, we spent it a friends house and me and DH ended up having an awful arguement where he was just nitpicking and making digs at me all night and I just snapped and lost my shit at him. We then spoke and sorted things, I felt he really listened to me and understood how I felt but I still feel like I’m the “bad guy”.

Today my house is an absolute shittip (I’m usually quite houseproud) and I need to sort it and out the Xmas decs away and I’m still in my pjs. I’m just so so tired.

At midday I got a burst of energy; put some music on and cleaned my teeth and washed my face, starting to get dressed to sort the house out and then got a text from DH (he is at work) asking me if I am as committed to sorting our relationship out as he is as he feels he is the one doing all the work for it.
And that just sent me all back down into my slump, I’m now still in my pjs lying on ny bed with zero motivation to get up and sort the house out.

Like I said I don’t know why I’m posting. I just needed to write it all down. Somehow it might give me the motivation to get up!!!!

Somewhere inside you must know that you are not the bad guy - but even thinking about not being the bad guy can induce guilt and make you even more of a bad guy.

You are his partner, not his therapist. You lost your df and could probably have done with some support - perhaps that was a problem in that your emotional attention and energy was very understandably elsewhere and that just won't do. I'm the one with the MH issues in this house and it's not dh's job to pander to my moods at the expense of his own well-being.

Depression can be very selfish. l have often noted generally, that when one person makes demands on another - the selfish one is deemed to be the one that refuses those demands - not the one making demands.

I wonder what 'doing all the work' actually means? Feels like you are doing a lot of work to me - just holding it all together.

Agree with @Acinonyx2 that you are doing a lot of work- exactly keeping it together and that’s not easy and very very hard when you are also under strain. Your DH is being selfish in not only offering you no support, but then making you work extra hard to convince him you are putting effort in. Normally this id say this isn’t on but seeing as he is ill you do have an explanation for this selfish behaviour.

Can you get some support elsewhere for yourself. Could be a counsellor for your grief, a group or even a new community that could offer you some support and an escape from the drudgery and pressure you are under to hold your shit together.

Secondly all the stuff about your DH and yours’ past- let it go. It’s irrelevant now and even if it still needs dealing with, I don’t think now is the time. Give yourself a break from that added baggage for a few months and return to deal with it later in the year. If he won’t drop it now, tell him firstly you are grieving your father, he is still unwell and that you will battle the old baggage together when both of those things have improved for you. When that time comes, go through the problems together maybe with some therapy and insist that you both close the book on the past. No one should be holding you accountable repeatedly years and years later as some sort of emotional hook. Forget that for now as you don’t need that hanging over you aswell & realistically it’s not going to change much today or tomorrow. What will make a difference to you now is finding some support for yourself if your husband can’t provide it. Washed face and brushed teeth sound like a small victory to me. Also you aren’t obliged to read his texts if you think they will affect you negatively… ask him to refrain from texting heavy messages and saving them for face to face chat. Xxxx

Thankyou for replying.

I really didn’t want it to read like DH hasent been supportive, he really has been amazing emotionally and practically. But whilst he took away a lot of the practical stresses and supported me greatly with the emotional stresses of losing DF, his mental health added to my emotional stresses and I think I did resent that. His breakdown was “bad timing” which of course I know couldn’t be helped at all and I’m glad he was able to release those thoughts rather than bottle it up.

He does so much for me and I don’t repay this, I’m not as nice or thoughtful or generous he is (I never have been!) and I understand why this is effecting him. But when I do try to do something for him selflessly, it never seems quite good enough.

Oh I'm sorry you've got this crummy mood. I guess he's making a valid point though- do you want to get the relationship back on track? If you do, and it sounds like he does, there's nothing to worry about, unless I'm missing something.