Tw: ED. I don’t have anyone to talk to about this.

[easyluckyfree]

Hello all.

I’m sorry if this isn’t the right place. The eating disorders board gets very little traction it seems, and I’ve posted there under a different name before and got no replies.

I’ve just split up with my long term partner and while it was my decision it’s obviously hard, and it’s made me realise I have no one to talk to about this at all, even though I didn’t really open up to him either.

A string of events including the gradual break down of my relationship has led to me losing weight. I have had an on and off dodgy relationship with food since I was about 14 but mostly ok. My BMI was about 21 in summer and it’s now 18.1 - so not particularly underweight.

I don’t class my issues as an eating disorder. It didn’t start with me wanting to lose weight. It started as unintentional weight loss due to stress. I think now I just have a complicated relationship with food and my body. I don’t think I see myself as fat although I definitely am not as thin as I would like to be.

A few things have started to worry me. One is that the weight I want to reach is consistently getting lower. It was 110lbs, then 105lbs, then 103, 100, 99, 98… 95… 93… it always seems to be 3 or 4lbs away from wherever I am. Just losing a bit more to be securely away from the last milestone, or to have some leeway before reaching a healthy weight. I now realise I do not want to be a healthy weight again.

Obviously I restrict my intake but I also don’t get that hungry anymore.

What do you do when you want to be able to eat normally but you can’t because you don’t want to gain weight and you’re scared of being a healthy weight, and so you know you can’t do it on your own, but you also don’t want to speak to the GP because you don’t have a full blown eating disorder and talking to them would mean you then had to gain weight????? My weight isn’t affecting my health at this point.

Not sure why I’m even posting. I just can’t talk to anyone in real life about this.

Honey you really have to reach out and talk to your GP every thing going through your head screams anorexia 18.1 BMI is low its not in normal range , your targets are getting very low and your not hungry you might not feel affected at the moment but if you carry on it wont be long before you are very ill and in hospital

@Isseywith3witchycats thanks so much for replying. I know my BMI isn’t normal but I’m definitely not anorexic and I won’t be in hospital. I think I just don’t really know what to do because I would feel stupid talking to a professional about it. I know it’s pointless posting because no one can really do anything but I’ve just felt quite alone with it and also like I’m on autopilot.

Try talking to Beat. NHS eating disorder services are a disaster and you won't get any support there with these figures which is absolutely disgraceful but the unfortunate truth - however, there are lots of organisations to help you and Beat is a really good place to start. Best of luck x

I could pretty much have written you post 3 years ago! I’m 41, and struggled with this for the past 3 years… probably far longer now I’m unpicking it all with a therapist. I lost weight unintentionally at first , and decided to just stick at that weight. Then I picked a new target, and another, and another. I ended up addicted to exercise (10 hours plus a week), addicted to losing weight, and unable to function normally anymore. I became a slave to exercise and the scales!! It came before my children and my friends, and everything else in my life. What you are describing is the start of a slippery slope. I didn’t believe it, but it happened to me. My food options because limited, I weighed food, I couldn’t enjoy holidays or anything that ruined the rigid structure of my calorie counting and my exercise. I always felt (as you likely do?) that it’s ‘just not bad enough’ to warrant help. The only time it was picked up on by professionals was through all the sports injuries, and me finally realising that I was just self-sabotaging and ruining my chances of taking part in a sport I love. Luckily I have Bupa healthcare and have had some sessions with a psychiatrist, psychologist and dietitian covered.

I really recommend getting some professional help in whatever way you can. You DO deserve it, you DONT have to be 5 stone nothing to warrant it. If your thoughts are dominated by controlling your food, you need help. It took me 3 years to realise that, and I still often feel a fraud although I know I’m not.

What really upsets me now is the spoiled special moments - never eating a family meal with my children, hiding and throwing away the Mother’s Day breakfast they made me because it had a food on the plate I ‘couldn’t’ eat, missing my youngest’s first experience of snow because I ‘had ‘ to do my 17 mile long run!!!! And just being so low on energy I couldn’t function.

It’s still really hard but the last 3 weeks I’ve realised how much progress I am making. It’s scary and I’ve spent the last year making progress, then failing again, but this time I can feel my brain has shifted direction and it’s not so scary.

A long message, I just feel so strongly that eating disorders are not about weight, and many many people struggle in silence. Please message me if you’d like anyone to talk to about it. Sending hugs xx

Your dr will not think you are being silly for coming to talk to them about this. You’ve recognized a couple of really important things. You don’t want to be a healthy weight. Which is obviously unhealthy. And your goal weight is decreasing every time you reach or near a goal. Which obviously cannot continue without health problems beginning. It’s a good sign that you can see that these thought patterns are a problem. You want to try and get these thoughts under control now, before you start getting any health issues from being underweight.
Keep an eye on your menstrual cycle. Losing your period is a sign that your body fat levels have dipped unhealthily low and if this continues too long it can impact fertility and cause other hormonal problems.

grace has put your dilemma much better than i could she has been there and its not a nice journey to be on , i havent had an Ed but have always been tall and naturally slim due to circumstances beyond my control a few years ago i found myself with almost no money for food each week after paying bills and was working too, so my diet really was not the best in the world mainly things on toast as cheap and filling and i went from a size ten to a size 8 and i thought i looked not too bad but since my circumstances have changed and i am back to for me normal weight friends have said i looked far too skinny then and look better now

@October2020 thank you, that’s a good idea. I wouldn’t have thought of contacting them.

@Grace1980 thank you so much for taking the time to send such a long and kind message. I’m so sorry you’ve had to miss out on so much and that you’ve had so many nice things spoiled. That must be hard to think about and I am so glad to hear you’re making progress.
I think because in the past when I’ve tried to lose weight it’s been such an effort as I’ve been really hungry and now I’m just not, it almost feels like I’m not really trying. But I know that’s not true. It’s all really scary actually.

@Changelingbutonlyforme I also have an autoimmune condition which impacts my fertility anyway as well as predisposes me to osteoporosis, so that does worry me. In my last cycle I didn’t have a period for 48 days (my condition doesn’t cause this), so I know I need to keep an eye on that.

How do you feel about upping your portions with the goal of maintaining the weight you are today?

@Changelingbutonlyforme I think if I increased the amount I ate I would gain weight.

Would that be such a bad thing? You’re currently losing weight so you need to increase calories in order to halt that weight loss. If you add in a small snack or a larger portion at lunch or dinner you will either slow down the weight loss, start maintaining a steady weight, or gain a small amount of weight. Of those possibilities it seems to me that maintaining or gaining a little bit would be better for you health wise. You know that too really, but I’m only looking at the numbers from a health point of view and you are dealing with other thoughts that are ranking those 3 possibilities differently to me.

Ah I really feel for you! I can relate so much. And a missing / very late period is a very clear sign. You need regular periods to support your bone health.

I only told you my story so you could see how slippery the slope is and how it’s just not worth it. The things that have helped me are having a motivator (my sport, my kids, having energy for both), following helpful accounts on Instagram. Hope Virgo is a good one. Getting therapy to work out why I was controlling my food / exercise - it’s always about something deeper! X

@Changelingbutonlyforme I couldn’t do that now. It’s terrifying to think of eating more to deliberately maintain or gain weight. I know it would be better for my physical health, I can objectively see that.

@Grace1980 I think I just worry that I won’t be healthy enough to continue my job to the level I need to because I usually work 11 hours a day and my career is everything to me. I just can’t get my brain to the point where I can think that I need to eat more to stop that happening. It’s so stupid, it’s like I think actually I am ok and it’s fine.

In that case I think you know that your thought processes around eating are disordered and you need some help to sort that out. You don’t have to wait until you have physical problems appearing due to being underweight to ask for help. Treat the cause now before the symptoms get out of hand.

That’s a great starting point. Just to realise that something important to you could be in jeopardy. I really understand the feeling of not being able to get your brain to do what you know you need to do! Its a horrible and constant dilemma. The thing I’ve realised it that it has to be a choice every single meal, every snack, every day, to choose not to listen to that. It still feels horrible! But it’s getting easier xx

And also it might help to point out that I didn’t get what I thought I’d get out of the ED. I never felt valid, I never felt satisfied I’d done enough, I wasn’t any more loved or cared for. I just lost years in a sport that I love and still can’t get back to where I was, i missed countless races and watched others surpass me in fitness and speed. It’s devastating. I WISH so much I had tried to stop it sooner. It’s not worth it

@Grace1980 I’m a primary school teacher and I just feel it’s really important that I don’t let the children down in any way.

I just don’t think I’m ready to make any changes.

I understand that. I wasn’t ready for ages. But I do feel all the research I did / helpful ED accounts I followed stood me in good stead for when I was ready. I was laying groundwork without even realising it. Good luck xx