How can I stop 3 yr old attacking her teenage sister ?

[surreymum89]

My 3 year old is insanely jealous of her 13 year old sister and appears to see her as a real threat and whilst they do have lovely moments a lot of the day is spent with her kicking, biting, throwing stuff and even spitting!?! at her older sister , I tell her sister not to retaliate that I will discipline her but she now doesn't even appear to care about any punishments/being told off and eventually her sister does retaliate, for example will throw an object back at her after its been thrown at her several times or will kick her off her leg when she keeps grabbing and pinching her on the legs and I don't blame her to be honest, it's not fair on her at all and I need to get on top of it.

In general her behaviour has been difficult recently , only wanting to eat sweets and having violent outbursts , hitting and screaming at the top of her lungs if she doesn't get her way and also the same behaviour when out at shops/supermarket and she doesn't get a toy/sweet.

Bit of background - 3 year old was not a fan of dad for the first 9/10 months of her life and this I think upset him a lot so from around a year he bought her affection with sweets/toys , she only has to say daddy I want and she has it , no one can take 'her seat' on sofa next to him not me and not DD13. She also had a younger sibling born this summer, so this may have unsettled her/caused some of this behaviour , she generally seems to like the baby although there is jealously with her dad and he will limit the time interacting with/holding the baby whilst she is awake because he doesn't want to upset her.

How should I approach this because it's starting to feel like we are all being ruled by her and her outbursts, Any advice , thanks!

Being hurt every day is not OK. Your responsibility is to keep your elder dc safe, so I'd be baby gating between rooms and not allowing the 3yo into where the 13yo is unless she is very closely supervised e.g. holding a parent's hand.

I think 3yo is old enough to do time out, and zero attention when she is violent with lots of attention going to the person she has hurt. Lots of talk about using "kind hands" in-between and praise when she is kind.

Knock the nonsense about "no one can sit in her seat" on the head.

Are you concerned about SEN? Your health visitor maybe be a good source of advice.

Sorry OP that sounds tough. Your poor older DD, it already needs nipping in the bud for her sake but also will she still tolerate the younger one when they’re old enough to seek dad out themselves for example? How is she with other children/extended family?

The difficult thing will be getting your partner on board, it sounds like he is massively contributing to the issue if not outright causing it. I think you need a serious discussion about getting on the same page, she needs consistency from both of you.

Why don't you do a parenting course? They're great for helping with parenting struggles likes this.

Have you tried talking to the 3yo about why she behaves like this? Show her you care about her feelings but encourage her to talk about them and explain appropriate ways to deal with things and why.

You’re letting the three year old be the boss with the nonsense about no one taking her seat on the sofa. Your partner is encouraging this and the result is very poor behaviour.

It would be a good idea to do a parenting course.

Thanks for all the good advice.
Does anyone know of any good providers of parenting courses before I have a google?

I have spoken to OH yesterday about him needing to be on the same page as me , this was after another incident where I told her she couldn't have something until after dinner (a sweet) and OH was about to give it to her anyway when he had heard me say no, he said 'but it's easier to give in' , I explained to him how it's getting out of control now and that she needs boundaries to feel safe and that it's not fair on her sister , she is beginning to dominant every situation, so he said no she would have to wait , obviously she had a huge meltdown but she got over it, he can't cope with it well though, he will follow her around , call out to her etc. When she is crying and screaming and try and placate her , I feel like it's better to just let her have her time dealing with her emotions and tell her we are here for her when she calms down ?

(Sorry if that had awful spelling/punctuation, just trying to jot it all down quickly while baby is sleeping)

My 3 year old is similar but is jealous of our 5 year old, it’s bloody tough. I make sure I have lots of 1-1 time with my eldest so days I work I collect eldest at 3.15 from school and leave 3 year old at nursery until 5. I have 2 full days a week I don’t work so have 9.3 just with youngest.

We use stair gates to give my eldest some space, so his room as a stair gate which he can open and shut which brother can’t.

We try and preempt anger and make sure to intervene straight away.

Try and give the jealous one lots of love and attention.

Your OH is creating a monster. Honestly this will not improve until you are both on the same page and crack down hard. She needs to learn that you call the shots not her.
Lots of positive reinforcement, as much time and attention as you can all manage playing games, reading stories, baking but it stops instantly the second she starts behaving in such a vile manner. You walk away - immediately and ignore her tears and protests.