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Original poster

Friends daughter has cancer- what can I do And

45 replies

user14943608381 · 30/12/2021 17:07

Hi I’m looking for a few tips on how to support a friend. My parents have had cancer but I’ve not experience of anyone who’s had a child who has cancer. She’s got leukaemia and is having chemo. If anyone has walked this path before, what would help? I don’t want to bother her, especially if she doesn’t want to talk, I don’t want to say the wrong thing and cause upset. I’m not sure of the treatment, I’m already a donor so I’d happily get tested to see if I’m a BM match but I don’t know if that’s helpful or a weird thing to say. I just want to be a good friend in what must be a fucking horrible time

OP posts:
Original poster
user14943608381 · 30/12/2021 17:10

Meant to say he not she, the child’s a boy and 2 years old xx

OP posts:
mbosnz · 30/12/2021 17:11

I'm so sorry your friend and her daughter is in that situation.

For me, I've not been in your friend's situation, but as having been in your situation, I've found asking, 'what do you need or want'? seemed to help. And saying whatever that was, whether it was someone to sit there in silence as they raged, or someone to talk non-cancer chit-chat, to ask questions and be open to their pain and not to try and ignore the elephant in the room, what practical help they'd like - food in hospital, taking a shift by the bed so that they can get a shower and a coffee and a break, supplies brought in. . .

mbosnz · 30/12/2021 17:12

Sorry, he!

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

General health
BabbleBee · 30/12/2021 17:19

When my DD was in hospital with cancer, there was no point asking me what did I need / want because a) I was blindsided by her diagnosis and didn’t know what planet I was on and b) I had no idea what I wanted other than to wake up and be out of that hell.

What did help was pre-cooked food. A friend batch cooked a load of lasagnas, shepherds pies etc in foil trays and I only had to bung them in the oven to warm them up.

Phone calls to keep me in the real world and to talk about anything other than cancer. Short but sweet, anything else was tiring.

DD liked magazines. They were easy to hold, and didn’t require too much attention. Colouring books were good when she wasn’t as exhausted.

Time and friendship on the other side of the hospital visits. I really learned a lot about who cared and who didn’t.

Best wishes to the family Flowers

IggyAce · 30/12/2021 17:20

My friends son when thru this he was older (teen) but he felt the cold really easily (side effect of the chemo) how about a small care package a blanket for him and perhaps a colouring book/story book. Lip balm, hand cream some coins so your friend has money for vending machines. Also perhaps find out if the hospital has a chain coffee shop ours has a Costa and get her a gift card.

Original poster
user14943608381 · 30/12/2021 17:25

@BabbleBee I hope your daughter made a full recovery, thank you for your advice. It’s obviously not the same but I found the same about people who cared v didn’t when my dad died and it was incredibly lonely, but your child that’s next level.

She’s told me the treatment could take years, my only experience is with adults with cancer and the treatment was say 4 months of chemo. I don’t know if years is typical for a child. I don’t want to be overly optimistic and this dismissive of the situation but also want to be positive for her xx

OP posts:
Magnited · 30/12/2021 17:28

Which type of leukaemia?

moremoony · 30/12/2021 17:34

I’ve been through this. It’s horrific. However, survival rates for childhood leukaemia are good and high. I’d recommend a gift card for the hospital coffee shop and a weekly text just to say “you don’t need to respond but I’m thinking if you and I’m here for whatever you need” send it every week regardless if she responds or not. You could find out about hospital parking and see if you could pre-pay for a weeks worth for them

Original poster
user14943608381 · 30/12/2021 17:35

@Magnited

Which type of leukaemia?
I don’t know, I didn’t want to ask just in case it was too intrusive a question. I know AML is much harder to treat
OP posts:
Sideswiped · 30/12/2021 17:38

@Magnited, what difference does it make? Hmm
OP, the pamper package sounds like a good idea.
If she's at the hospital pretty much all of the time and has family at home, the food may also be helpful even if it's only so she doesn't worry about people at home.
Something else to consider is a subscription to audio books? Your friend could put something on for her son so they could cuddle up and listen together and she could listen through headphones as well when she needs to be quiet, but can't sleep. (I had a teen who was seriously ill in hospital and it was nice to have something to do that kept me occupied when I couldn't do much else but just be there IYSWIM).

Sideswiped · 30/12/2021 17:41

Oh, and to add to the parking thing, many hospitals have discounts for parents etc, but don't always 'advertise' it. It's worth your friend asking - when my dc was in 11 years ago, the parking cost me nearly £20 a day.

Foolsrule · 30/12/2021 17:43

Don’t assume the worst - childhood leukemia has very high survival rates.

2fallsfromSSA · 30/12/2021 17:51

Does she have other children then help with childcare and school runs are helpful. Cook her food for the freezer or buy her some nice ready meals from cook. Also love the audible or calm subscription if she doesn't have one.

But most of all being there. Check in with her but stress you don't expect a reply. And keep it up. People are falling over themselves to start with at the beginning but as time goes on and it becomes the new normal for the family, help and support can fall away. This is a marathon not a sprint.

theremustonlybeone · 30/12/2021 17:52

Ensure your what you do offer is genuine. The amount of folks who say i am here, or call if you need. I mean yep thats not helpful. If someone had offered to take my DC when i was going to the hospital daily when my husband was ill it would have been fantastic, or bringing round meals. Practical things without me having to be explicit. If someone had turned up on my doorstep and handed me a meal, bottle of wine or something I think i would have cried.

Sidneysussex · 30/12/2021 17:55

I went through this as a child and watched my parents struggling.
Most helpful was childcare. for other child. The friends who just quietly took my brother home from school when my mum was In hospital with me. Then my dad would pick him up after work
The family who packed him off with their own children to grandparents for a week. Honestly they are the people 30 years later my mum is still so grateful to. Many many people actually avoid a parent with a child with cancer, she had friends cross the road if they saw her. Please watch what you say. Don't try and find a reason or come out with religious crap etc.
Practical things done quietly are best. Sending food, clean clothes etc to hospital.
A cleaner to the house when they are stuck in.
For the most common type of leukemia ALL the treatment is 3 years for a boy. Not all is intensive though.
Just listen!

AnnieKenney · 30/12/2021 18:01

A slightly different situation (I was grieving) but my BFF set an alarm on her phone and sent me a daily joke / cartoon with the heading Your Daily Smirk - No Reply Needed. Even if the joke was terrible (and many were!) knowing that she was thinking of me and was prepared to put in that effort on a daily basis really helped me to feel cared for and supported. She did it every day for nine months - it still brings a lump to my throat all these years later.

Magnited · 30/12/2021 18:02

[quote Sideswiped]@Magnited, what difference does it make? Hmm
OP, the pamper package sounds like a good idea.
If she's at the hospital pretty much all of the time and has family at home, the food may also be helpful even if it's only so she doesn't worry about people at home.
Something else to consider is a subscription to audio books? Your friend could put something on for her son so they could cuddle up and listen together and she could listen through headphones as well when she needs to be quiet, but can't sleep. (I had a teen who was seriously ill in hospital and it was nice to have something to do that kept me occupied when I couldn't do much else but just be there IYSWIM).[/quote]
A lot.
I have had it.
A lot.

mbosnz · 30/12/2021 18:03

I know of a situation where the community set up a roster to do the laundry. . .

Toddlerteaplease · 30/12/2021 18:11

Just be aware that many hospital branded of Costa are franchises and don't accept gift cards.

Sidneysussex · 30/12/2021 18:15

Oh my mum's best friend used to phone regularly with jucy gossip ( journalist). She even phoned the ward on the parents phone ( pre mobile days) with the big scandles. Short sweet distractions and fun or naughtiness. She was truly great. No sympathy or sad faces there.

Original poster
user14943608381 · 30/12/2021 18:18

Thank you for all the suggestions! The parking is a brilliant idea, didn’t even cross my mind. The hospital they are at is city centre and the hospital doesn’t have designated parking so its incredibly expensive. Maybe I can buy a 6 month pass or something to one of the closer ncps, that might be helpful right?

This is her only child so she doesn’t need childcare and she’s just given up work for the treatment. she’s got a large extended family so I definitely don’t want to get in the way or tread on any toes.

They’re outpatient which I imagine is better as they’re not stuck in hospital? She’s said she doesn’t want anything aside from prayers but from the comments it’s probably because I said, you you need anything, food, toys, clothes ? (Probably wasn’t the most helpful but I did mean it)

OP posts:
Original poster
user14943608381 · 30/12/2021 18:19

@Sidneysussex

I went through this as a child and watched my parents struggling. Most helpful was childcare. for other child. The friends who just quietly took my brother home from school when my mum was In hospital with me. Then my dad would pick him up after work The family who packed him off with their own children to grandparents for a week. Honestly they are the people 30 years later my mum is still so grateful to. Many many people actually avoid a parent with a child with cancer, she had friends cross the road if they saw her. Please watch what you say. Don't try and find a reason or come out with religious crap etc. Practical things done quietly are best. Sending food, clean clothes etc to hospital. A cleaner to the house when they are stuck in. For the most common type of leukemia ALL the treatment is 3 years for a boy. Not all is intensive though. Just listen!
God I’m sorry @Sidneysussex, crossing the road to avoid your mum. People can be real dicks
OP posts:
Ohyesiam · 30/12/2021 18:21

Your friend will find lots of people will drop away because they can’t handle it, or can’t handle knowing what to say. You can be one who doesn’t, and that’s with so much.
And actually saying that you don’t know what to say is fine, it’s just connection she needs. Let her know you are there for her and that you’ll bend over backwards to help her.

And could practical stuff help, Can you cook for her weekly?

Kitkat151 · 30/12/2021 18:22

@Namechangetimes100

Thank you for all the suggestions! The parking is a brilliant idea, didn’t even cross my mind. The hospital they are at is city centre and the hospital doesn’t have designated parking so its incredibly expensive. Maybe I can buy a 6 month pass or something to one of the closer ncps, that might be helpful right?

This is her only child so she doesn’t need childcare and she’s just given up work for the treatment. she’s got a large extended family so I definitely don’t want to get in the way or tread on any toes.

They’re outpatient which I imagine is better as they’re not stuck in hospital? She’s said she doesn’t want anything aside from prayers but from the comments it’s probably because I said, you you need anything, food, toys, clothes ? (Probably wasn’t the most helpful but I did mean it)

Most hospitals have free parking for Patients with cancer having cancer treatments....don’t waste your money before you find this out
JuneOsborne · 30/12/2021 18:22

Your best bet is dropping food off. A home made lasagne that you can bung in the oven or freeze.

Offering practical help. If you need mundane stuff doing, I'm you're woman kind of offers.

And being there. Just knowing that you're there. The odd message just saying hi goes along way