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Original poster

Are all families toxic?

22 replies

LadyCleathStuart · 30/12/2021 12:38

Both DH and I come from very toxic families. Lots of favouritism, playing people off of each other and lots of passive aggression.

We have two DC who already don't get along (8 and 5). I don't want our family to be toxic and have our children hate being around us when they are adults. Is it inevitable though? Are all families toxic?

If you have a good relationship with your wider family why do you think that is? Any tips greatly appreciated.

OP posts:
TheFoundation · 30/12/2021 12:44

Toxicity, at its root, is disregarding people's feelings because something else is deemed to be more important.

As long as you teach their kids to respect other people's feelings, and more importantly, their own feelings, you don't have to worry about toxicity.

Many families are not toxic, and the ones that are often have all their toxicity coming from one person or couple. It's the failure to create distance that causes the toxicity to spread. It doesn't have to be 'universal' within the family.

I don't want our family to be toxic

You're in charge. It's not something that 'just happens'. It's a series of conscious actions. If you make sure that you make responsible decisions, no toxin will get a foothold.

HandScreen · 30/12/2021 12:50

No.

HugeAckmansWife · 30/12/2021 13:03

No of course not. Most have certain stress points or irritations but no more than that. I find my sister quite self centred and routine driven which leads her to be rather miserly with her time or offers to help our parents for instance but I've long since accepted thats the way she is and dont ask her for more than I know she'll give. My 2 tweens can be unkind to each other but it's normal sibling dynamics and I nudge them in the direction of empthay and / or just staying away from each other. In the end, family doesn't HAVE to be close or best friends.. Sometimes it's misplaced expectations that can cause the resentment.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

Families
Franca123 · 30/12/2021 13:11

No. My family isn't toxic. My partner's family isn't toxic but he does have one narcissistic sibling who we limit exposure to.

Franca123 · 30/12/2021 13:16

Generally being respectful, tolerant and thoughtful is a good place to start. Put effort into these things. I think forgiveness is also good. But then that's easy when people's hearts are generally in the right place. Family members of mine do occasionally behave appallingly as all people do. But I know it comes from a place of stress and anxiety so we let it pass. I've had to walk away because I'm bloody fuming many many times over the years!!!! But I'm glad I didn't explode because overall these are good relationships which I value.

TheWildHunt · 30/12/2021 13:26

No - but I do think it's common to find families like you grew up with.

Model boundaries for your children and other behaviors that helps deal with it all - so step in when they try things with your kids call out the PA behavior directed at you/DH or kids - and keep distance -emotional or otherwise -would be my advice and refuse to join in all the game playing.

I found reading the game people play usedful - helped me see some
of the dynamics and just stop getting involved in.

Kids are teens so too soon to know who well they'll get on with us as adults but teen years haven't been bad yet.

ohfook · 30/12/2021 14:21

No but I genuinely believe that the generation that were brought up by those who fought in WW2 have a lot of issues mainly because they were raised by a generation of people who were put in a very traumatic situation for years on end and then expected to just slot back in to normal life once it was over.

I have no evidence at all for this btw it just something I've noticed so much in my own family and those of my friends.

TheFoundation · 30/12/2021 14:31

@ohfook

No but I genuinely believe that the generation that were brought up by those who fought in WW2 have a lot of issues mainly because they were raised by a generation of people who were put in a very traumatic situation for years on end and then expected to just slot back in to normal life once it was over.

I have no evidence at all for this btw it just something I've noticed so much in my own family and those of my friends.

Never thought of this, but it's a brilliant point, and well represented amongst the people I know. We need a survey!
CrumblyCrimble · 30/12/2021 23:24

Your DC not getting along does not mean it's a toxic family.
You and DH coming from toxic families means you will be more vigilant or sensitive of it.
You are aware of the issues. Toxic parents are not aware, that's usually the root of the problem.
I'm sure you'll be fine. Try not to let the fear take over Thanks

ily0x · 30/12/2021 23:45

Mine are 😬 I always wonder what percentage of family’s are toxic. 30%? 50%?

janbaby22 · 31/12/2021 00:03

@ohfook

No but I genuinely believe that the generation that were brought up by those who fought in WW2 have a lot of issues mainly because they were raised by a generation of people who were put in a very traumatic situation for years on end and then expected to just slot back in to normal life once it was over.

I have no evidence at all for this btw it just something I've noticed so much in my own family and those of my friends.

I’ve often said this to my brother but I haven’t heard it from anyone else, so it feels very validating to read it here. I’m sure this is so true for my mum.
fallfallfall · 31/12/2021 00:19

all families have their own group dynamics. some are smoother and less problematic than others. i think "toxic" is a whole different level though. my dd is "difficult" and i don't see her brothers ever being close but they are polite to one another as adults.

ParsleySageRosemary · 31/12/2021 00:20

I think part of the trouble is that families are incredibly toxic - for women. Having children is a health risk, and then is a huge responsibility and burden, unpaid and unvalued, for 20 years now. Or more. Meanwhile the father can continue his life and even, traditionally, expect extra favours and the lions share of family resources. It makes women resentful. In my birth family, my mother took her issues out on me.

WorraLiberty · 31/12/2021 00:27

No not all families are.

Some families really are obviously, and some families just have their normal ups and downs.

However, I've seen a few people on SM describing the latter as 'toxic' and it makes me wonder what world they're living in sometimes.

WorraLiberty · 31/12/2021 00:32

@ohfook

No but I genuinely believe that the generation that were brought up by those who fought in WW2 have a lot of issues mainly because they were raised by a generation of people who were put in a very traumatic situation for years on end and then expected to just slot back in to normal life once it was over.

I have no evidence at all for this btw it just something I've noticed so much in my own family and those of my friends.

Absolutely spot on.

My job brings me into contact with lots of (now) elderly people who were child evacuees during the war, and almost all of them were profoundly affected and still find it difficult to talk about today.

And even they were expected to slot back into normal life...often having been abused, neglected or mistreated by the families they were sent to stay with.

Yuledo · 31/12/2021 00:33

Not mine, no.

Itsjeremycorbynsfault · 31/12/2021 00:36

@ohfook

No but I genuinely believe that the generation that were brought up by those who fought in WW2 have a lot of issues mainly because they were raised by a generation of people who were put in a very traumatic situation for years on end and then expected to just slot back in to normal life once it was over.

I have no evidence at all for this btw it just something I've noticed so much in my own family and those of my friends.

I've always thought this time after growing up and observing my family dynamics and the impact it had on my grandparents which in turn impacted on my parents, uncles and aunts. Alcoholism, depression, poverty and trauma.
Just10moreminutesplease · 31/12/2021 00:42

My extended family isn’t toxic. They are my safe place and the people I most like to spend time with. I appreciate that I’m very lucky though.

I think there are lots of things that impact on whether a family is toxic. But when I compare them to my own, a couple of things spring to mind. For one, the older generation isn’t venerated in any way. They are seen as flawed and human and this means that no one holds the power to pit people against each other- our relationships exist independently of each other (so my relationship with my sister doesn’t depend on my mum, my relationship with cousins/aunts/uncles doesn’t depend on my gran etc).

Also, I was brought up to walk away and calm down before an argument. As a whole, my family doesn’t really do shouting. Its very much a calm conversation or nothing. This means that it’s rare for anyone to say something in the heat of the moment.

I think if you demonstrate healthy relationships to your children you’ll be fine! If it helps, me and my sister fell out lots as children. She’s my best friend now.

Branleuse · 31/12/2021 00:52

I agree with the traumatised generation thing others have mentioned. These things can have knock on effects for generations.

DramaAlpaca · 31/12/2021 01:01

@ohfook

No but I genuinely believe that the generation that were brought up by those who fought in WW2 have a lot of issues mainly because they were raised by a generation of people who were put in a very traumatic situation for years on end and then expected to just slot back in to normal life once it was over.

I have no evidence at all for this btw it just something I've noticed so much in my own family and those of my friends.

Yes, I totally agree. I'm pretty sure this is why a couple of generations of my family have many issues and why DH's, who lived in a country not so affected by WW2, do not.

I'm doing my utmost to make sure this isn't passed on to future generations, taking inspiration from DH's lovely close extended family rather than my own difficult one. To the extent that I am quite low contact with them, which is sad but necessary.

NoNotMeNoSiree · 31/12/2021 01:37

No, not all families are toxic.
I have a big extended family, not toxic at all.
If somebody's being a dick then you tell them, you talk about it, hug it out and move on lol.
Never understood the concept of toxic families until getting with DH, sounds horrible but true!
Toxic I think is when you have shit like trying to emotionally manipulate others/guilt tripping them/sulking/silent treatment.
Where just talking to them has you in tears /tatters and feeling emotionally drained.
I know what it feels like to be made to feel undermined etc so am conscious I'm not going to do that with my kids families as they are growing up.

2girls76 · 04/01/2022 11:11

Most families have their ups and downs but some are more toxic than others.Myself and DH have toxicity on both sides,mostly game playing and put downs, always end up second guessing yourself.We find keeping ourselves to ourselves works for us.Doesn't go down well but does keep us out of any drama.

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