Page 2 | Who needs a man?

SliceOfCakeCupOfTea · 29/12/2021 19:01

I don't think this is very fair tbh.

What so because he has kids and isn't a skinny 20odd year old he shouldn't match with you? You're just above that are you?

I don't view my DH as someone to supply me with sperm as and when I need it so I don't get the "I'm done having kids so I don't need a man anymore" attitude. I enjoy DH as a person and presumably that's what you're looking for? Someone who brings you joy? Or adds to your life? Fair enough don't just date for the sake of it if you don't want to.

housemaus · 29/12/2021 19:03

Nobody needs a partner. Even in the happiest relationship, needing them isn't/shouldn't be the goal. So I guess the aim of having a partner you want* around. If you don't want that, it's all good!

*except, I guess, women who want to have children and can't afford sperm donors. And as a PP pointed out on the first page this might lead women to accept worse behaviour from a partner in their younger years

Waftypants · 29/12/2021 19:12

Sliceofcake i didnt regard my partner as merely a sperm donor when he lived here, however he seemed to not realise what was required in terms of financial, emotional and practical support. Wanted to leave it all to me and thought he could fleece me financially on the way out. So I prefer not to leave myself exposed to any more abusive cocklodgers thanks all the same.

AcrossthePond55 · 29/12/2021 19:33

I'm married and I don't 'need' DH in the usually meant sense of the world. I love him. I want him (as in want him around, want to be with him). But he is not necessary to my existence, just as I am not necessary to his. We complement each other, we are a 'team', we're 'better together'. But we are also 'sufficient unto ourselves' to get along in life.

DH was diagnosed with cancer about 6 months ago, and before we got the 'it's treatable', we had to have a few hard discussions about the future and we realized that if the other were to die, we'd be devastated, but not destroyed. Luckily his treatment was successful and we're looking forward to many more years together.

But if 'the worst' had happened, I would have remained single the rest of my life. As my mum said when asked why she never wanted to 'date' after Dad died: 'I dined on filet mignon for 52 years. Why would I want to eat hamburger now?'.

Or in the words of that old feminist T shirt "A woman needs a man like a fish needs a bicycle".

CouldThisReallyBe · 29/12/2021 19:43

I need/enjoy male company and get a lot of value from my male friendships (which are very different to my female friendships). Do I need a sexual partner? Not at all. It's would be a 'nice to have' if all the stars aligned - it's definitely not a 'need to have'.

SliceOfCakeCupOfTea · 29/12/2021 19:52

@Waftypants

Sliceofcake i didnt regard my partner as merely a sperm donor when he lived here, however he seemed to not realise what was required in terms of financial, emotional and practical support. Wanted to leave it all to me and thought he could fleece me financially on the way out. So I prefer not to leave myself exposed to any more abusive cocklodgers thanks all the same.

What are you on about? How is most of that related to what I said?

Sonata13 · 29/12/2021 19:58

Been on my own for 30 years. Still loving it.

Kezzie200 · 29/12/2021 20:08

Just get on with your life and do things to meet people when you have the time. School governors. Local interest groups. One day you might meet someone more akin to you through those avenues. Until then, don't worry!

Original poster

FanGirlX · 29/12/2021 20:13

What so because he has kids and isn't a skinny 20odd year old he shouldn't match with you? You're just above that are you?

I'm not above it, I just don't want it. Are you my mum?

Someone who has 3 kids under 10 years old and has them every weekend - isn't for me. They wouldn't fit in with my lifestyle, why should I change my lifestyle to fit in with their lifestyle? Because I'm female?

I'm not going to have a great deal to discuss with someone who is barely literate. I'm not bothered about formal education but I would expect the basics and someone who is interested in gaining knowledge. Should I dumb down to suit a man?

I never mentioned age, you added that yourself. I'm in my early 40s but I am fit and healthy, not obese and unfit. I would expect a partner of the same age as me to look after their health and fitness too. Why should I give up on health and fitness to make my lifestyle fit in with a man's?

OP posts:

Thinkbiglittleone · 29/12/2021 20:26

Really is this even a discussion.

Anyone should only date those who's company they enjoy, that can be for any reason they choose. And should not be grateful to anyone for attention.

Anyone can opt out of relationships within people with kids, overweight, underweight, unemployed, works too much, not educated, too educated etc etc

My mum thought it cruel I say I don't need my DH, I say that's better as I'm with him because I love him and want to be, surely that is a healthier reason.

pastypirate · 29/12/2021 21:35

@FanGirlX

Single, early 40s, one young DD. Split with ex DP 4 months ago.

All DPs seem to do is cause problems. My two serious exes have both caused problems (financial and emotional that will be ongoing).

Am I too young to give up? At the moment I can't see what a DP would do to make my life better.

This isn't being helped by the men who match with me on OLD. Overweight, barely literate, 3 kids in tow. I've read on a few threads that men look for a woman to help them run their house, to me this just means being a skivvy to them and their kids. What do I get out of it? My mother says that I should be grateful for any male attention at my age. I look after myself though, I'm healthy, dress well, exercise.

Can I join. Early 40's, 2 dds, in the process of binning dp. Completely relate to them just causing problems for me.

pastypirate · 29/12/2021 21:35

I'm not going back to old though. Honestly fuck that.

Original poster

FanGirlX · 29/12/2021 21:45

Can I join. Early 40's, 2 dds, in the process of binning dp. Completely relate to them just causing problems for me.

You are very welcome here .

OP posts:

marly2 · 29/12/2021 23:10

I'm with you on this. Split a year and a half ago and genuinely haven't looked back - not once. What I see on OLD looks uninspiring and I can see no attraction at all in the irritations of living with a man again. My home is peaceful and much more clean and organised than it was before I was single. I love being on my own when the DC are away and have great female friends as well as family. I do wonder if it would be nice (or even possible!) to have an occasional relationship with a man who is intellectually stimulating and I could go to nice places with, but I can't imagine wanting to live with anyone again apart from DC (though definitely not once they are adults). A physical relationship might be nice if I could be bothered, but maybe the idea of that is more attractive than the reality!

pastypirate · 29/12/2021 23:18

@marly2 my mum said she'd never live with a man again after she got divorced! Took me several relationships to fully understand her position!

I can't be dealing with that shit again. My house has reverted to a gleaming snow home within days of getting shot of dp and it's like the grain fog has cleared!

I've neglected my social life a bit so will have to make an effort to find things to do while dds are with exh but it's a nice problem to have!

isthismylifenow · 30/12/2021 08:35

@pastypirate

I'm not going back to old though. Honestly fuck that.

It's a one shot sure way to undo all the steps going forward imo. Unless one is very confident in themselves and has the time and energy to put into finding a needle in a haystack.

Worst experience ever for me too.

ElectraBlue · 30/12/2021 09:14

I have decided that I don't 'need' a man but instead 'want' to have a fulfilling relationship, if and only if the right man comes along.

Meaning, I don't make it a priority and won't stand up for shitty behaviour but I still want people in my life who bring something positive to it.

Made that clear to the guy I have been seeing 'I don't need your money, I don't need you to make happy, I don't need you to fix me. I do want someone who will add something positive to my life though'. I cooled things off the minute he started taking me for granted...

Women have been conditioned to believe that they should be in relationships to be happy and that they don't have value as individuals. This just makes us dependent on men and insecure and more likely to stay in shitty relationships.

I feel sorry for your mother who has bought into the idea that a woman is nothing without a man, no matter how low value that man might be...

gannett · 30/12/2021 09:22

It doesn't make any sense to me to want a man, in a general/abstract way. Or to want a relationship in the abstract.

There have been a few specific men over the years I've wanted to varying degrees, only a couple I've wanted to be in a specific relationship with (of whom DP was one). It's about wanting to be with them because of who they are as individuals, not because I want to be with any old man.

Latenightreader · 30/12/2021 09:23

I am 43 and gave myself permission to give up on dating about seven years ago. It felt like a weight had lifted. I had a baby on my own a few years later and it works perfectly for me. A second household income and some companionship would be nice on occasion, but generally this is a good life.

Lovemusic33 · 30/12/2021 09:34

I have been single for almost 6 years, I now struggle to think of any reason why I would need to be in a relationship, my life is pretty good without one, I have friends, hobbies and 2 dc (teens), life is pretty stress free most of the time. I think adding a man to my life would just make me more stressed.

There are a few days of the year that I miss having someone, Christmas has been a bit tricky this year but other than that I don’t really miss having a man in my life.

SliceOfCakeCupOfTea · 30/12/2021 11:34

@FanGirlX

What so because he has kids and isn't a skinny 20odd year old he shouldn't match with you? You're just above that are you?

I'm not above it, I just don't want it. Are you my mum?

Someone who has 3 kids under 10 years old and has them every weekend - isn't for me. They wouldn't fit in with my lifestyle, why should I change my lifestyle to fit in with their lifestyle? Because I'm female?

I'm not going to have a great deal to discuss with someone who is barely literate. I'm not bothered about formal education but I would expect the basics and someone who is interested in gaining knowledge. Should I dumb down to suit a man?

I never mentioned age, you added that yourself. I'm in my early 40s but I am fit and healthy, not obese and unfit. I would expect a partner of the same age as me to look after their health and fitness too. Why should I give up on health and fitness to make my lifestyle fit in with a man's?

Most of that is irrelevant to what I actually said. I never said you should be flattered by their attention of grateful or anything like that. But why shouldn't they try and match with you if they are interested? Doesn't mean you have to do anything about it but you seem pissed off that they even dared try and approach you

Original poster

FanGirlX · 30/12/2021 11:50

But why shouldn't they try and match with you if they are interested? Doesn't mean you have to do anything about it but you seem pissed off that they even dared try and approach you

My point was that OLD is full of these men and I'm not interested in them because I don't want to change my happy life to a lifestyle that would fit in with them because that would make me miserable. Therefore I'm better off staying single.

OP posts:

Tyredofallthis1 · 30/12/2021 12:27

I was talking to someone at the checkout yesterday and we agreed that while we adored our partners, if anything happened, we would stay completely single.

Same for my mother, mother in law, grandmother in law etc. All stayed single after losing their partner, and were happy to do so.

twinkletwinkleangel · 31/12/2021 16:17

I found myself as a single mum of a newborn and after feeling the liberation of doing it in my own I couldn't possibly entertain ever being with a man again. Yes I get lonely sometimes but I call and visit friends ans family. Men are just so NEEDY

AcrossthePond55 · 01/01/2022 19:00

Wouldn't it be interesting to know just how many men would be absolutely astounded at the number of women who would NEVER 'entwine' their lives with another man simply because they're too much hard work, even the nice ones.

I think my DH feels that if a woman doesn't want to get involved again it's either because the man was a shit or she was so in love with her late partner/husband that she'll never get over him. I don't think it'd occur to him it's simply because even the best of men (like him) can be hard work at times and the time comes when we no longer have the patience to 'break a new one in'.

Not to say that we aren't equally hard work at times, just that men usually want the 'caretaking' women do more than they want the freedom of living on their own.