Anyone else have OAP parents in a toxic relationship?

[TweedleDump]

It gets me down so much. My Mum and Dad have been unhappily married for more than 30 years now. My Dad treats my Mum like trash. About 20 years ago I begged them both separately to split up. They didn't. I dread spending time with them. They're OK ish on their own. (My Dad is still difficult but less abusive).
They're in their 70s now. Christmas day was just about bearable but I had to go for a long walk to the end of the street to calm down because of the comments my Dad made. They're at the beginning of their proper old age now with health issues cropping up. Their care will ultimately be my responsibility and I am utterly utterly dreading it. That's if they get there. I often wonder if sirens I hear are in their way to my parents house.

That's a lot to deal with, I am sorry you're having a tough time.
I am in a similar situation, although with mine it's more that my mum has come to utterly depend on my dad. How nice you may say. The reality is that he's cut her off from people and robbed her of her independence. I very rarely see her alone now. Of we do go anywhere, I have to transport her, order stuff and generally pay. She is deaf but refuses to wear hearing aids which makes her even more dependent.
All my dad does is tell me how ill she is and tell her she's not up to doing anything. We don't get on whatsoever.
What I will say is that you are not responsible for them in any way. Do not let them take over your life! My mum has made some comments about us living a long way away. I am buggered if I'm moving to live near them!

My mum is 82 & my dad 76. I'd say they've never been in love but maybe once were fond of each other (many many years ago). Dad is emotionally illiterate and has a terrible temper which has worn mum down over the years. I don't want to go into too much detail on here, but the lockdowns were very difficult, more so because mum had to shield. I've no siblings & am very close to my mum as we understand each other so well. I've had to harden up over the years and now cope with it better by being able to detach myself from it. It's not going to get any easier as they get older
I wish they had divorced years ago but can see it's too late now

I am in this exact same situation. Sucks badly.

I'm devastated that my Mum is living like this under this regime but also so so cross with her for not leaving him decades ago, especially when she must or should have realised the impact it has on me.
I sit at home worrying that one day one of them will crack and kill the other.

I did, until death intervened and did what neither of them ever did - put a stop to it.

You can't save a person from themselves, and you can't force a person to leave a bad situation unless they want to. I never made peace with that and fought and fought to 'save' my dad. I never could.

Yep, this is my parents. Married for over 60 years and still fight like cat and dog, trying to get me and my sibling to take sides which we refuse to do. They are in their 80s now and both have mellowed, but by god it was a difficult home to grow up in. How they have stayed together I will never know. It's my sibling having to deal with it now as I live abroad, but I can foresee a time when I will have to visit more often and quite frankly I am dreading it.

My parents are in their 60s and have been unhappily married now probably for the best part of last 15 years. My dad is an alcoholic and my mums puts up with it because they run a business together.

I've begged them to separate and try and sort the business out but mum won't leave my dad as she recon he'll be dead within 6 months (drink himself to death). She also uses the excuse that the business will fall apart, probably....

He's never seeked helped for his drinking as he doesn't think he has a problem. Me and my sister had hell growing up with it. She now has her own life and moved on and I'm stuck to pick up the pieces.

Mum's excuse for not leaving years ago was because she had me and my sister but we are now in our early thirties. She will never leave.

You couldn't have forced them to split or make a decision they didn't want to, but you can decide how involved you are going to be and how much you take on physically and emotionally going forward. It won't be easy decisions, but they've been a little selfish in their decisions so you are equally entitled to be in yours

My husbands parents openly dislike each other. I’m late to the party in that all the dramas happened long before we met and we are both second marriage and older but they spend entire visits backbiting and sniping at each other while the whole family pretends to ignore it.

I always ask my husband why they don’t just leave each other. He says why would they now just to die alone? Seems a horrible end to your life.

I would say I'm the mum in this situation.i really feel for my daughter in the same situation. I've had to give up work due to ill health and my husband works but does eff all in the house...not a thing...he watches me struggle to do things and if I have the audacity to ask him to do anything he goes into a rage about 'i go to work!'...keeps telling me he wants a divorce but does nothing about it, I'm certainly not sorting it out for him as I do everything else, always have done, he hasn't a clue...im not doing anything to make his life any easier for him anymore. I hate him....I pity him...but I'm stuck with limited income to know what to do.

Not as awful as others' examples, but my Dad and step Mum fight a lot and I sometimes wonder why they bothered to get married. They're in their 80's now and neither has the energy to do anything about it.

They were both widowed after happy first marriages when they met and I think they assumed their second marriages would work out just as well. They have nice times together sometimes, but they just don't seem well-suited. My Dad moans about my SM to me and I think he misses my Mum a lot.

Same here - following! Parents barely speak - lots of simmering anger and explosive family rows every so often. Don’t know what they’ll do when they start to lose their independence.

Not mine but my in laws

Always been violent emotionally ansuive and very controlling.

It still is,not violent anymore but aggressive and emotional abuse and controlling.

Mil slags fil off constantly and would be happy if he dropped dead tomorrow but yet she still accepts it all

She should have left years ago and my dh tells her that often and that she put having lots of money and holidays over and above her dc safety and mental health which dh always finds abit shocking

They are in their 70 s now so nothing will ever change it's just such a waste of her life and a lifetime of damage to the dc.

I’m about to spend tomorrow night with mine and it will be a shit shower that I’ve worked for 2 years on setting boundaries with them.my desire to recreate nostalgic family times over Xmas, made me drop my guard and accept invitation.

:-(

V hard. Suggest reflecting on your own boundaries, for example as regards how much time you spend with them, organising vs providing practical help or care.