How do you stop yourself from crying over spilt milk?

[Alcemeg]

I’m not usually one to look backward with regret rather than forward with enthusiasm. But I’m suddenly kicking myself for selling up, a decade ago, a little house where I'd lived very happily for many years. In search of isolation, I cashed in and downgraded, but then had to fork out a fortune on renovations while gradually discovering all the various snags I hadn’t considered about where I went to live. Then I moved again, and made the same bundle of mistakes all over again!

Now I dream of the lovely home I once had, but prices have shot up in that part of the UK (south coast) and I couldn’t afford anything half as nice again. And I’m over 60 now, so it’s a bit late to learn about being more careful in future, although I have certainly learned it!

The only thing that annoys me more than my own past stupidity is my current lack of mental hygiene. There is absolutely no point feeling miserable about foolish decisions in the past that I cannot change. And yet here I am, suddenly feeling a kind of gut-wrenching grief over it. I’m almost looking forward to going back to work on Monday just to have something else to occupy my mind. What a waste of holiday! What a wanker I am being!

I’m just wondering: What are your tips for easing yourself into a more positive mental attitude instead of beating yourself up? I’ve done a mind map of positive and negative thoughts, trying to focus on the positives… I’m reading “Happy” by Derren Brown… I’ve set myself some fitness goals and am making reasonable progress with them… I’m having a go at making something for a friend… Above all, I haven’t lost sight of the fact that this is a first-world problem. I am so lucky to have what I have.

But I still feel like I’ve completely lost my nerve, with surges of panic about my incompetence in life and grief over what I’ve lost. Maybe some pennies drop heavier than others and you just have to wait for the pain to pass.

I’d welcome any suggestions for tricking myself out of this pointless gloom.

Is it an age thing? I don't have any tips, but I've been going through something similar only about a man rather than a house. He was the one that got away and recently he's taken up residence in my head and I can't shake him.

It might be an age thing! It might have to do with realising that it's too late to make up for past mistakes.

I keep dreaming about this house! Literally. And it was so much a part of my identity, for so long, that I find it hard to believe someone else is living in it now. Nuts!!

Didn't want to read and run lovely Alcemeg though I've not much to offer .
I guess it's the time of year when people do look back and reflect and I think house moves are very fertile territory for this .Most expensive item one buys and so difficult to really know if it will suit.You are so not alone!

Be nice to yourself ,absolutely no calling yourself a wanker ! Ok ,with the benefit of hindsight you may have done things differently .It hurts and you're allowed to have regrets and to hurt .

But you will have made the best choice you could at the time .It's all any of us can do .And you know ,things might not have worked out for the best had you stayed .

Have you read The Midnight Library? It might help with feelings of regret and "what if"...

I suppose longing for something in the past is a sign that you're struggling a bit at the moment with the usual difficulties and imperfections of life .

But I bet the house or the man would only go so far to improve things ,there'd still be a lot that remains a pain in the arse .

Ahhhh, @peridito, bless you! 🥰
I think bitter regret is a new feeling for me. I'm used to making mistakes, but not quite on this scale! I just don't know why it's really got to me lately, but I'm sure you're right that the time of year invites reflection.

All I can do is try to be a bit less reckless in future, although as you say it doesn't feel like recklessness at the time...!

@GingerHippo, how funny -- I was literally just downloading "The Midnight Library" having seen it recommended on another thread about regrets! Thank you!

It's funny because I too have been feeling really meloncholy these last few months and like yourself it's just not me. I've always considered myself a true optimist which I believed came from a mantra I repeat regularly 'to never regret or blame anyone else for any life decisions I have ever made'. It's stood me in good stead so far. Well, up until recently that is and as OPs have said its probably an age thing (I'm late 50s) along with the pandemic so try not to dwell on it too much.

I felt that way a few years ago. I regretted leaving the town where I grew up to live over 100miles away. It felt like the right thing to do at the time but I soon realised there were a lot of problems in the house we bought, and I'm still not totally happy with it. I was one of the first in my social group to get on the property ladder and thought we did really well, but I wish I'd have saved more of a deposit and bought a bigger, newer build. I was so lonely, I missed my friends and felt so nostalgic for my old life. I'm busier now and don't feel so lost, but it took time. What helped was reminding myself these things aren't straightforward for anyone, these big decisions don't come with an instruction manual and I acted on what felt right at the time. Hope you feel better soon!

@Sunsetboater Yes, melancholy! that's it, exactly! and it's not my nature either. My nature is to laugh off my mistakes and promise myself better luck next time. I think you are right that the pandemic has made life a gloomier and more introspective experience generally. I have this dreadful sense of everything turning to shit. I'm normally pretty good at the Zen "This too will pass" stuff, but I feel a bit stuck.

@autumnlights Thank you. I'm glad you settled in eventually. Life is definitely what we make it, so I'm exasperated with myself for putting such a negative spin on everything.

Op I think it can be very difficult not to look back sometimes. However I would see life as something that is constantly evolving and constantly changing. Literally anything can happen it is all your choice and up to you where things go. Nothing was set in stone.

Those choices you made back then, you made them for a reason. Whatever the reason was, you must have felt it was right at the time. If you had stayed where you were, so many other things could have gone wrong. Has there been anything positive recently (bar covid)? What could you do next?

My first thought when reading this is that You’re spending time beating yourself up for being negative and having regrets. It’s also ok to be negative and have regrets. If you can accept you feel that way about some things then maybe you will feel more at peace. Then can start looking positively.

I think you need to pause and give yourself some credit. At the time of your move, you acted from choice. You were ready for a change and you made one. That is a good thing. If you were still in that old house it would have started to fall apart by now. You would have had to do costly rebovations to it too and you might well have been thinking: Why did I just stay put all my life and never take those chances? You could be feeling all wistful for the unlived life you are currently regretting.

The point is: you can only look forward.

I would be very pragmatic in your case. Get a notebook and evaluate in it all you have learned about house buying, pitfalls and hidden issues. Think about how to highlight them in future. Make some lists of things you'd like to do before you get too old and frail and start doing them.

I have also read that a good thing to do is to deep clean, declutter and redecorate the space you live in, treating it as though you truly loved it, and you often find the feeling becomes true. Worth a try.

You did what you felt was the best thing at the time, thats how l would look at it. To be honest things could have gone wrong there further down the line, or you could have stayed there regetting the fact you never had the courage to move

Thanks so much everyone, I really appreciate your kind and thoughtful input.

I gained a lot by moving. Somehow, along the way, I gained a husband! The dearest man imaginable, and finding true love has changed my life. However, we moved abroad together and work dried up for him. So my attention has been sharply focused on $$$, and financial security is more important to me than it once was.

He is retraining, and things are looking up for the year ahead. But I suppose one of the flavours of my current mental state is a sense of exile. It's one thing to move away from a place; it's another to know you can never move back.

Funnily enough, on my list of things to do tomorrow is a massive declutter and spring clean! Definitely have an instinct telling me that's a good idea. Fingers crossed!

Thank you for posting about this Alcemeg, this has resonated deeply with me today.

Yesterday I was inwardly seething with myself for being taken for a fool, by certain people over Christmas. If I had acted on my first instinct the situation would have been so very different. I would have had a peaceful and contented Christmas. But me being me (naive and believing that for every drop of rain that falls a flower grows) said I would help out.
Help out more like do everything and not even a thank you in return. Last night I knew I had to let this anger drop and put it down to experience, and learn from it. I am home now and so pleased to be in my own space. Any negative memories, I flipped them straight out of my mind... I was doing really well until l remembered they have my Tunis cake in their cupboard! My one glorious Christmas treat has gone! I'm trying to keep flipping it out of my mind, but I can't and can't even go and get it back as it's 345 miles away.

On the great scheme of things it's nothing, just a cake compared to the the shoddy treatment over Christmas, but it's like a burning thorn in my side.

However I am going to take this as a positive because next time the 'grumbles' come a knocking for help, I will let them eat cake, and they can pay for it themselves.

Ugh, @Icepinkeskimo, that all sounds very embittering. I didn't know what a Tunis cake was, but having Googled it, I now share your pain (and have added yet another thing to my list of things I yearn for and cannot have!).

Do you live anywhere near shops that are open? Is it possible to go out and buy yourself the yummiest treat imaginable, on the basis that you have bloody well earned it?! You could merrily stuff your face with it while congratulating yourself on gaining valuable wisdom -- i.e. not to make Xmas happen for the Grumps ever again. That is surely something to be celebrated. In future, you can focus on making a magical Xmas for yourself instead. Starting now!

I've been digesting the advice of PPs, and these are the general ideas that seem to help me just now:

We never know if a decision is going to turn out "good" or "bad"
Everyone makes bad decisions
It is only normal to regret them
In fact it would be weird not to regret them
It's never too late to learn

With my Zen hat on, I also realise (but currently, with my nose shoved in it, find it hard to accept) that what seems "good" can often turn out "bad" in the long run, and vice versa, and then vice versa again, and so on ad nauseam, so there is never any point judging the results of your own actions because life is endlessly flipping and surprising you.

I honestly am starting to feel a bit better. Thanks everyone, and if anyone else is having trouble beating themselves up I hope you can find a calmer space soon. Really I didn't know where to put myself earlier!