Would you make teens visit family friends?

[StripyCamel]

We are visiting friends tomorrow. Friends are fairly local and we see them probably once a month or so, usually alternating houses. We have DC’s roughly the same ages who were good friends when they were younger, but no so much now. No falling out or anything, just into different things.

DS is 15 and doesn’t want to come tomorrow. He’s obviously old enough to stay at home by himself. I think we shouldn’t make him come. DH thinks he should have to come. I’m sure our friends won’t mind either way. Older DC will still come with us.

Would you make him go, or leave him at home?

Same as notacooldad - don't make it an issue now and they 'opt back in' as they get a bit older.

Showing my age, but being grumpy and sullen about visiting family and friends was considered very rude.
18 was a cut off point.

why does DH want DS to go with you? That's the interesting question here.

@DroopyClematis

Showing my age, but being grumpy and sullen about visiting family and friends was considered very rude. 18 was a cut off point.

I think family is different to parents' friends. Yes you'd expect teens to be polite to family (though if they live fairly locally they shouldn't need to go every time - different if you only see them once a year).

But not friends. They're the parents' friends. I would have probably been happy enough to go, but if they visited us, I would have said hello and then stayed in my room with a book.

I was made to this. Go and hang around with parents friends kids who didn’t want me there to be sociable and then get told off for not enjoying myself.
DH tries to push this kind of thing, I don’t.

I think when they are younger kids will get on and play, past the playing age it’s quite hard to have to be around someone you’re not friends with. I’d leave him.

God no...i left mine at home as soon as they were old enough....i loved getting out and about without sulky teens spoiling the day.

Will there be someone specifically looking forward to him arriving? Say if one of your friend’s DC is also a 15 year old boy? If not I think it’s ok for him to stay at home but if one of their DC will be particularly disappointed if he isn’t there, I think you could point that out to him.

He will have GCSE later this year. Let him have Xmas break doing what he wants. You already said hour older sons will come with you. If you don't force him now, he will likely opt back in later.

@Ovenaffray

I wouldn’t make him come no. These are your friends not his.

Yes this

I would leave him. Thinking back to when I was 15, I would have sucked the atmosphere out of the room if I’d been dragged along against my will that was the age my parents started leaving me at home for the weekend when they visited my auntie and uncle 200 miles away and I loved it.

If it’s a special occasion or if they aren’t local but we are in the area eg on holiday or if the friends’ children are similar ages and will be there, then yes I’d expect them to come, unless host has specifically said “quite understand if your DC would prefer not to come” or similar. But otherwise no.

Don't do this to your son, forcing him to be friends with people he's not interested in being friends with. My mother did this to me until I finally absolutely refused when I was your son's age. Your son is not a small child, he has the right to decide for himself, and he's said no.

Well my teen doesn't make me go to visit his friends with him so no, I wouldn't make him visit mine.

We stopped this around 12/13! We're friends thru the kids but they drifted apart in primary school and now at secondary we'd only "make" them come for fireworks night/something special . Even at 13 I can see they really don't enjoy each others company and we tend to keet up without the children. You can't force friendships wheb they're teenagers. Different if you're all going out somewhere but will be excrutiating at 15 to be told "go play" with another kid he doesn't overly like. Only really works lower primary.

No. They are your friends not his.

I'd let him stay home. Maybe be needs some downtime after the festivities as well.

No I wouldn't make him go. It wouldn't accomplish anything.

Sometimes I do if all they've done is sit playing consoles and barley left the bedroom. So it's good to get out even for an hour.
But not always.

However to add he dcs all get on OK in general and normally prompts them to meet up a few days later for lunch or a kick about or something

In that scenario definitely best left at home. If your dh insisting he comes is based on maintaining the relationship its a flawed plan as a resentful teen isn't going to act in a way that feeds the connection.
I'm sure you'll all feel better for the breath of fresh air that is a bit of personal space at this stage in Xmas and you see them regularly anyway. If it was an aged aunt you only see at Xmas it might be different (with full briefing on behaviour).

It doesn’t matter that the kids were friends when younger, if they are not that interested in spending time together now you allow them to stay at home.

Be also mindful that your friends’s kids be in the same boat, may have other plans or little interest in spending time with your kids on request of their parents.

I have a friend whose child is the same age as mine and they used to get on like a house on fire so we would go out with kids at least 3-4 times a month BUT as soon as they became teens they have developed different interests and are in separate friendship groups so it would be unfair for us to expect them to do stuff together with us parents when spending time with each other is no longer as attractive as it was. Mind you, I am still friends with the parents but we let the kids take more decisions on their social life these days, part of growing up.