Turns it round onto himself all the time

Returnoftheowl · 28/12/2021 12:40

It wasn't the wrong thing to say, he's just shocked as he's actually having to confront his own behaviour.

PersonaNonGarter · 28/12/2021 12:42

Sympathies. You need to stand firm and just repeat what you have said here.

And look up
DARVO.

MilduraS · 28/12/2021 13:10

It was exactly what you needed to say. The reason he reacted that way was because he couldn't deny the behaviour seconds after he'd demonstrated your point so perfectly. So instead he's had to storm off to buy some time to come up with a response that makes you wrong and him right. Stand your ground and keep calling him out on his behaviour.

I had a boyfriend a few years ago who was competitively miserable or sick. It all came to an end when I'd had a seriously awful day at work and he interrupted very quickly to start complaining about his work (this was in the middle of his week off so nothing had happened that day). I said "For God's sake, can we just talk about me for once?". He called me narcissistic and stormed off. A few hours later he sent a text to say how disappointed he was that I hadn't apologised yet so that was the end of that. It was only after we broke up that I realised how draining he was and how little he must have known about me.

sueelleker · 28/12/2021 13:40

@AnnaBolina

I was talking to DH about feeling low. I'd really summoned up courage to do it firmly, because I have been telling him how I feel like I'm drowning under the flood of everyone's expectations and I'm only one person for a while and it sort of gets a "there there" reaction. So I was firm. Mentioned that I feel my needs are completely bulldozed and unseen while I'm expected to tend to everyone and support every thing they do and assist with every heavy load, all day every day and I'm burnt out, frazzled and in need of care.

He then turned it around onto him by first saying that sometimes he doesn't realise that I'm struggling but going on to say that's because of his own worries and conditions and then went on to talk about those and the support he needs in some depth. The same things I've discussed with him many times. So at the end of his self assessment, I said (not verbatim, but close enough) "Ok, this is what I'm talking about though. I don't even have a voice sometimes to say what I need, because the moment I do, someone else comes along with bigger and more important needs I'm expected to shoulder. And I'm forgotten again. Everyone will do this until I break, and then what will you all do? Expect me to fix myself so I can continue to manage your lives for you."

Clearly this was the wrong thing to say. Because he looked at me like I'd smacked him round the face. Pure shock, pain and outrage and he just got up and left the room.

Have I said something wrong? Because this turning shit around onto himself so he's the ones in need of care is common. It's like he's so worried to have to step into the shoes of the main carer that he must instantly be in a much higher need of support than I am. If I mention I've got a headache, he's worse. If I've got a sore throat, he's more ill. If I haven't slept well, he's not slept at all. But if I am visibly ill or exhausted, he's lovely and will take good care of me. I'm so confused and pissed off by his reaction to me SAYING I need help. It's like I have to demonstrate it and prove my need is greater. Do I have to fall to absolute pieces before my mental health gets some tea and a warm blanket?

To quote Shirley Valentine "if you've got a headache she's got a brain tumour".

BarrowInFurnessRailwayStation · 28/12/2021 13:45

Mine does this. I don't even bother saying anything now because I know he'll just copy me. Even ds2 noticed he was doing it and tests it out by occasionally saying he's got a headache and then wants for dh to join in.

I did challenge him on it one time and he said he was trying to empathise by sharing his experience of the same problem.

I did have quite a serious mental breakdown and bad depression a couple of years ago and he then realised just how unwell I was.

I don't know what the answer is, I just think men exist as the centre of their own universes and expect everything to come back to them and their needs. I think women and mothers are more inclined to look outside themselves and their needs due to having children and other family members to look after.

StroppyTop · 28/12/2021 14:13

He’s a selfish arsehole. My ex was like this. In the end I had to take full responsibility for looking after myself, which meant getting rid of him.

Like a pp said, he was shocked and angry because you’d started to call him out on his behaviour.

Original poster

AnnaBolina · 28/12/2021 14:25

He's taken himself off to bed, said he constantly feels like crying and that he's completely sad. I asked him what was wrong and he said I've only asked because he said he was unhappy when I could have noticed at any time.

Isn't that almost exactly what I said?

OP posts:

Goawayangryman · 28/12/2021 14:31

God he sounds insufferable!

MilduraS · 28/12/2021 14:56

Had he actually done anything to seek help for depression? Or is he relying on you to run everything while he stays in bed feeling sad?

Cherrysoup · 28/12/2021 14:59

Omg, competitive illness/issues? Why can’t he just support you?

VenusClapTrap · 28/12/2021 15:09

He sounds exhausting. I had an ex like him; I only really realised just how much he needed to be the one being cosseted when I had a crisis myself, and he utterly failed me. Ditching him was such a relief.

Clarice99 · 28/12/2021 15:15

My narcissistic (abusive) 'mother' is just like this. I have been NC for years.

Apart from this big issue, how is the rest of the marriage?

Original poster

AnnaBolina · 28/12/2021 15:25

@Clarice99

My narcissistic (abusive) 'mother' is just like this. I have been NC for years.

Apart from this big issue, how is the rest of the marriage?

Fine. Genuinely. He's a good father, a really lovely man in general, very attracted to one another.... it's as it should be: but this has pissed me off and actually quite hurt me

OP posts:

FlowerFlour · 28/12/2021 15:43

@AnnaBolina

He's taken himself off to bed, said he constantly feels like crying and that he's completely sad. I asked him what was wrong and he said I've only asked because he said he was unhappy when I could have noticed at any time.

Isn't that almost exactly what I said?

So you have finally told him how much you're struggling and he's suddenly so depressed that he's bedridden?

No. Not ok. It would be one thing if your chat had opened his eyes and he can start to be conscious of your needs more, but he's completely doubled down with the competitiveness. It shows a pathetic lack of self awareness on his part when you have just discussed this exact thing.

What's the point of being in a relationship that doesn't support you when you need it?

FictionalCharacter · 28/12/2021 16:02

@Returnoftheowl

It wasn't the wrong thing to say, he's just shocked as he's actually having to confront his own behaviour.

Yep