41 IVF for second child advice please

[Brightertimesahead]

Hello lovely community
This is my first post after a six year IVF journey a lot of lurking on mumsnet. I’m looking for advice really and would welcome anybody’s thoughts as I feel I’ve trod this path so many times now on my own I could do with a bit of a reach out to others out there. To give a brief bit of background my husband had cancer and chemo just as we started trying for a family which ended up with us going down the IVF:IcSI route. We were fortunate to have our son after two fresh cycles , a miscarriage and an FET. We had some frozen embryos left and have been trying for a second child with those with no success, two more miscarriages and a chemical pregnancy. My husbands cancer returned this year but is currently under control and he has managed to avoid chemo this time. We have one more frozen embryo left - I’m going to be 42 this year. As you can imagine - we have been through quite the shit storm these last few years and yet the desire to have another child is strong and the pressure of limited time is extremely intense. We have decided to try one last fresh round of IVF with PGS testing for any embryos should we be lucky enough to make any now that I’m an old boot. Although we have one frozen left - we are so convinced it won’t work we felt we wanted to get on and try and make some other embryos and have some PGS testing on them if possible so that we can minimise the chances of me going through another miscarriage ( had all the tes tests - no known reasons just age unfortunately)
I suppose I’m looking to you all now because I’m nearing the end of my all my fertility options to increase my family and it’s been such a long, sad and difficult road that I just need some kind words of encouragement or some reassurance that I’m not going to completely fall apart after this whole journey is over. We thought we might start our cycle In January but after Christmas and drinking and not being strict with everything I’m considering putting it off until February so I can have a month of no alcohol / caffeine / exercise etc etc - but then that’s another month to wait - delaying the process - would it really make much difference ? So - January start date after not being strict with my lifestyle ? Or February start date with a months ‘clean’ living but having the whole process hanging over me for another month after what’s been a completely life changing six year experience.
Thanks so much for reading - you probably all think I’m insane for even keeping to try - I fear my son being an only child so much. Again - any help on keeping this fear in check would also be massively appreciated.
Thank you xx

I don’t think your insane for keeping trying

I have one IcSi/IvF DS! My little one was a frozen embryo left over from 2 failed cycles and I have a friend who had successfull IVF at 44!

Good luck and thinking of you

Xx

Ahh hon I hear you, we've been on a similar journey, won't bore you with the details but we just went for it, no clean living as there wasn't time, we actually had a big holiday where we did everything to excess right before we gave it a final shot. I was 40 and we were convinced it wouldn't work so it didn't matter. Today is our twins 3rd birthday, GO FOR IT, you just never know. Good luck xxxx

I would recommend looking at other Clinics with better success rates.

@Hellagood14 - thank you so much and congratulations on your IVF success. Thanks
For sharing x

@Luckyducky75 - I love hearing stories like these - congratulations on your twins and thank you for responding . Do you mind me asking if you had a single to double transfer ?

@oohmamama - that’s a really good point. Will do - thank you

[quote Brightertimesahead]@Luckyducky75 - I love hearing stories like these - congratulations on your twins and thank you for responding . Do you mind me asking if you had a single to double transfer ?[/quote]
Thank you, it's a bittersweet day today, obviously overjoyed to have the boys but I remember the struggle so clearly. We had a double transfer in the end as there was such a low chance of it working (4% chance the consultant reckoned) so although they didn't usually do double transfers they agreed to in our case and look what happened 🤣🤣🤣 💐 xx

I had IVF for secondary infertility 13 years ago (I've got a 12yo born after after several miscarriages and other fertility interventions before IVF finally worked), so I completely get where you are coming from OP. I wish you nothing but all the luck in the world.

Personally I wouldn't worry about the clean living month (I went through various bouts of clean living attempts through our 3 year secondary-infertility journey and all they did was make me miserable) so I'd go for the January start date if I were you.

Good luck

Hi @Brightertimesahead. After 10 years of trying culminating in 2x fresh cycles, a sudden late miscarriage, a 12-week MMC and us both turning 40 in the meantime… we decided to go for it with a FET and we now have a 10 week old D, DD.

We’ve been through it over the past 10 years, but now are complete albeit with a 12 year gap between our children. It wasn’t easy (don’t need to tell you that!) either before or after, but I do now feel a sense of completeness, of being ‘done’.

I don’t think you’re insane for keeping on trying. At all. I understand something of what you’re going through. But please don’t fear your DS being an only child. Our son was absolutely fine being an only child! He had the very best of us for 12 years and has told us quite clearly that he was fine without a sibling, although he’s very good around her.

We very nearly didn’t do it because of the heartbreak we’ve been through, the age gap, our ages, the expense… it still doesn’t sit well with me. But the urge for a second child was strong. We had a frozen embryo. We went for it. It paid off. But would I do it again? No, no I wouldn’t. It’s difficult. Our DD has reflux and sleep in the day is an issue. We miss ‘being a 3’. We miss doing the things we so effortlessly did. I wonder whether we were so caught up in having a second child, it took over. I do wonder. But if we didn’t do it, we would always wonder. Whatever you decide, I wish you all the best with your decision xx

@FlyingPandas - thank you for your words of encouragement and understanding. I’m glad things eventually worked out for you x

@ivorycloud thank you for sharing your story with me. I’m so glad to hear that you found yourself at a point where you could move on from the fertility thing because a sense of completion was reached. I really appreciate your honest reflection on what your experience has been like with your second child. It is interesting that the difficulties and challenges of creating a family through IVF don’t always translate into straightforward enjoyment and ‘completeness’ once a successful pregnancy has been achieved. I always sort of feel like surely all that difficulty and sadness should somehow disappear once the goal’s been reached but sometimes it’s just not that straightforward is it? It’s like i know that having a second child won’t suddenly undo all the sadness of the past six years - that in trying to have a second - I’m inviting even more potential grief and disappointment into my life for the sake of a small sliver of a chance - and yet my desire to grow my family seems to bypass those not insignificant truisms. Many thanks again for sharing x

@IvoryCloud - also I hope your little ones reflux settles soon. Hang on in there x

It's a fair time ago now but we had IVF, struck lucky on 3rd attempt. Dd was born when I was 38. Tried again a year later, this time with ICSI. Produced a very low number of eggs; two put back and failed. Was told by the clinic that it was all due to my age.

Following year, happened to be in a different non-UK country for DH's job. Thought we would have a final shot. Produced lots of eggs, successful fertilisation with ICSI and had dd2 at 42.

So, I would echo a PP who advised looking at the success rates of different clinics.

I reckon just go for it! Doesn't it take eggs about 3 months to develop? I might be totally wrong, but I'm about to start my second round (secondary infertility, 6Y/O DC, first round didn't get any viable embryos to transfer). I just started taking Q10 and sure I read that it takes about 3 months for eggs to develop, so ideal to take vitamins etc for 3 months before trying/IVF. So in a month, I wonder how much 'clean living' would really do? Wishing you all the luck in the world, IVF is such an emotional/physical/financial stress! x

@middleagedmarch - thanks - that’s great to hear your’s worked out for you after your disappointments . I’m going tot have look in the UK for other clinics - abroad isn’t an option for us but perhaps there are other places in the UK I can find - although our clinic did say that you need to be careful with some of the success data that clinics use as some places are bit selective about who they treat - ie some places won’t let over 41 use their own eggs so it looks like their success rates are higher than average as patients going through the process at that age and above are using doner eggs. I don’t know how true that is but that’s what we’ve been told to look out for x

@BritInAus - thank you ! And yes I think your right -
Id totally forgotten that about the three month thing so yeah I agree a month of clean living wouldn’t do much to improve my success - but I think I might do it just for my mental well-being before facing battle once more with the needles and hormones. Sexy times !

In one of my appointments with the consultant when trying to decide whether to have IVF he made the comment 'you will never again be as fertile as you are right this minute' we started treatment within weeks of that comment.