Why do Toxic guys always come into my life

[Tanzey1]

I don’t understand what’s going on.
I’m a very loving and kind person. Not blowing my own trumpet but I am. I have been in two very long toxic serious relationships. Managed to get away from the last one and stayed single for 4 years.
This year decided to start dating again. After ages I finally connected with someone. He was lovely but slowly after 2 months of dating was showing the same signs as my ex. Not introducing me to anyone he knows not connecting with me on social media. Ignores me for a full day. When I call him out about anything he says he had a migraine. But is seen online on WhatsApp. I caught him on Snapchat with some girl sending him pics of herself. Tells me he doesn’t use social media. Just don’t get why I can’t find a genuine man that doesn’t play games. He’s 40 years old. Even told him you’re too old to act like this.

So after you caught him out what did you do? The women I know who end up with men that are arseholes do not dump at the very first sign of something unacceptable. They let it slide, I was never keen on men found them a bit of a hinderance, you have to consider another person so even the smallest thing that I didn’t like meant it was over.

I guess there are just a certain number of twats you will meet. And often they like nice kind people.

But what may be an issue for you is recognizing them earlier rather than later. Anyone can be fooled in this way but some people have it happen more often. Some people seem to be very quick to spot triers, and in my experience that's not just in romance but in other areas of their lives, and maybe they are just sensitive to social signals. I also think in some cases it can relate to having fewer good role models for relationships in your life growing up.

But whatever the reason, if this might be a factor maybe reflect on it a bit and think if there are any signs you missed earlier on or patterns that you could look out for in the future. Sometimes asking a friend can be helpful as they will have seen this person without the rose tinted glasses of romance.

I'd also say, dating is so fraught now that it is often online, you really have nothing to go on with people. There are very good reasons that in the past it was often considered better to form an attachment with someone in some way connected to people that you knew and trusted. Of course it's no guarantee but I think it shows that unreliable men have always been a problem.

Like an idiot forgave him and stayed with him for another 3 months.
Seriously need my head checking.

Thank you 😊
I haven’t had any good role models so to speak growing up and really need to start looking at signs.
Just so sick of men thinking it’s ok to treat people like this and get away with it. Really wish there was a way for them to learn a lesson.

@Tanzey1

Thank you 😊 I haven’t had any good role models so to speak growing up and really need to start looking at signs. Just so sick of men thinking it’s ok to treat people like this and get away with it. Really wish there was a way for them to learn a lesson.

The way to teach them a lesson is to dump them as soon as they exhibit unacceptable behaviour.

Don’t think you have to forgive and be kind to these arses. Don’t be a fixer. Just move on.

The way to teach them a lesson is to dump them as soon as they exhibit unacceptable behaviour.

I think this is true. The women I know that end up with twatty men let things slide early on, they may be little things to start with but end up being big things. For example, my best friend's boyfriend didn't want to meet her family after about 6 months of dating but didn't outright say that, just dropped out of plans unexpectedly at the last minute with a rubbish excuse. She didn't ditch him at that point and he later had an affair. I think the signs were there early on that he wasn't committed to a serious relationship with her. That's just one example off the top of my head.

I have always been guilty of this. Trying to be a fixer. It's ridiculous and we need to walk when we see the red flags!

The problem is not you attracting toxic men, it’s that you’re dating them!

As PPs have said before, sometimes it’s just down to bad luck that we meet these dickheads but sometimes (a lot of the time) it is that we see some displays shitty behaviour and toxic traits early on and we ignore them, rationalise them or justify them.

There are always going to be people who hid their toxic sides very well and it comes as a complete surprise when it finally emerges years down the line but usually if someone is an out and out arsehole, they do drop hints about it along the way.

Be bold and blunt about your boundaries and what you want and are willing to accept. Don’t play them down to come across less challenging or more amenable to men.
You want what you want and if that’s regular contact, meeting family / friends, openness around social media etc then you have to state that upfront and be very firm on it.

Compromise in relationships = yes, overriding boundaries = no

Because you let them in. You can't mend people and it's not your job to do so. You are more important than they are so take some time to remember that and make sure they move on to someone else. People like that are looking for someone like you. Don't be that person.

It's boundaries and yours are weak. DS 26 is a large, strong, loud extrovert. He has two young women lodgers. He was playing a game with lodger Leila whereby you hold out a hand and the other person tries to slap it and you try and remove it. Lodger Leila was constantly getting slapped but was giggling along like an enabling nitwit. He turned to play with lodger Irena who said firmly while looking him straight in the eye 'If you hurt me I shall be very very angry' The game stopped. Lodger Irena will NEVER be abused by a friend a lover or a DH. Good for her. Lodger Leila may well be.