When you can’t shake off something someone’s said……

[Hadtochangebutnoideas]

The background to this is a very long story, so I’m going to try and be concise, but it’s quite hard to sum up…..

My mother died at Christmas time a few years ago, and she was my only family. I’m very very fortunate to have very close family friends, who are like family to me, and who always invite me for Christmas etc each year (btw, I have a very fulfilling life with a great job, lots of friends, but no partner or family…)

Mum had been ill before she passed away, and for several years had what can only be described as a complete personality transplant. She went from being my very loving, kind Mum to someone who I didn’t recognise. She was moody, difficult and frankly horrible to be around. In this period I moved away for work, but travelled home regularly to see her and called 3/4 times a week.

Anyway, the reason for this post. I was talking with someone from the family I was staying with on Christmas night, and she said ‘I know you wanted nothing to do with your mother towards the end…..’ She was drunk, which is why I assume she said it. I
Was very aware there was children around so I said quite calmly that it wasn’t true, and that while we had a difficult relationship I never, ever thought that, and then I left the room.

It’s been playing on my mind ever since, like ‘does everyone thinks that?’ ‘Did mum think that?’ How do you shake a comment like that off? And do you think I should say something to this woman or is it now too late?

Ignore her ,
YOU know what your relationship with your mum was like
How would SHE know

Move past it , blame her comment on the drink , and remember how much you did for your mum

Some people are just dickhead and say what they think, nothing to do with truth or facts.

Try not to give it heads pace, it's very likely this is what they have decided must have happened, which is because they didn't have the full gosdip so have to make up their own. And to be ho est, some people love to get a dig in in the hope of a reaction, an outburst and more details that really are none of their business.

I have a family full of aunties like this!

Your mother probably told her that you weren't around a lot maybe she forgot? My nan had her entire family around one year for her birthday the last person to arrive was my cousin and he stayed later to spend time with her HE was the only in she remembered visiting there were 15 plus people in her house and he was the "only one who remembered her birthday"

It wasn't malicious she forgot

What was the friends reaction when you stood your ground OP?

I would have to re-enage and get my point across again so they know the truth & can take it on board now they're sober.

That is hard, Hadto.

The reality is you are probably over thinking it and putting to much weight on a comment that will have meant much less to the person saying it than it did to you.

Comments like that are often intended to try to ease any guilt you might feel about the difficulty of loving someone who has become horrible to be around. Most people in your situation would have had very complicated feelings about that.

Most likely they knew your mother was difficult after her personality changed and wouldn’t have wanted to be around that themselves so were projecting in the moment (a drunken moment) and not accounting for the fact she was your mother, that your feelings for her ran a lot deeper, and that there is a lot fo nuance to relationships with close family. Unless they are generally not nice to you, it seems likely they were trying to make you feel better, but doing it badly.

I wouldn’t bother saying anything about the comment. They were drunk and you told them they were wrong at the time. But there’s no harm in doing so if you have a good relationship with them. They will probably be upset to know they hurt you. Or you could just bring your mother up in conversation and use that opportunity to talk about how much you loved her even to the end.

Could she have got this false narrative from your mum, as part of the personality change you describe?

It was a rotten thing to say. Probably the drink talking. I doubt anyone really thinks that - certainly not anyone who knows you well and matters.