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Original poster

Don’t want to take my fiancé’s name

26 replies

Notamaidenname · 26/12/2021 18:33

Just that really, I don’t want to be Mrs-his-name, but for various reasons I don’t want to keep my own name at all and I definitely don’t want to pass it on.

His preference is for us both to take his name or for us both to double barrel names
But he doesn’t want to get rid of his own name.

Has anyone just picked a whole new name?
Do I have any other options?

OP posts:
FlibbertyGiblets · 26/12/2021 18:35

Change your name anyway. Choose a surname and just do it.

NutellaEllaElla · 26/12/2021 18:36

Ah strange one. I was with you not wanting to take his name until you said you also don't want to keep your own. I guess there's nothing stopping you choosing a new name for yourself but fair enough if he doesn't want to change his name, you can't make him.

PotteringAlong · 26/12/2021 18:37

What’s wrong with his name if you don’t want your name?

sleepyduvetcat · 26/12/2021 18:37

Could you take his first name as your last name?

AnotherEmma · 26/12/2021 18:40

"for various reasons I don’t want to keep my own name at all"

Do you have your father's surname?
What about changing it to your mother's surname ("maiden" name if she's changed it since she was born)?
If not, are there any other names in your family that you'd like to use (because of liking the person and/or the name)? Some first names work as surnames so consider those too (or turning them into surnames).
If I were you I'd choose a (short, simple) surname from your family. Then either you and fiancé both keep your names, and double barrel any children, or both double barrel your own names after marriage.

drpet49 · 26/12/2021 18:42

* Has anyone just picked a whole new name?*

^Why would you pick an entirely new name? That is just weird and I would never go along with that/

plinkplinkfizzer · 26/12/2021 18:43

I agree you could use maiden names from your Mother or Grandmothers or even G Grandmothers .

BigFatLiar · 26/12/2021 18:43

Just change your name, no problem providing you're not doing it for fraudulent purposes. Have a word with a solicitor about how to do it properly. Call yourself whatever you want.

LuckyKitty13 · 26/12/2021 18:45

Yes! We picked a totally new surname which was a merger of both surnames. I refused to take his name, and although he was happy to take mine, we decided this suited us better.

E.g his name was Coleson, and mine was Greenacre - we became Coleacre. (Not real names but you get the idea!)

Original poster
Notamaidenname · 26/12/2021 18:51

I think I’m worried if I change my name there will be a lot of people with a lot of questions, socially and professionally about my new name, it feels a bit pretentious??

For the other questions - I do have a surname of someone abusive and I don’t connect with that name, it’s associations or my family from that side.
It doesn’t feel very ‘empowering’ to swap one mans name for another in this case. I know that’s controversial and no judgement on anyone taking their husbands name, it’s just not what I want. I would double barrel but that would involve me changing my name still and I have no idea how to pick a new name without people (as they have in this thread) thinking it’s weird.

OP posts:
AnotherEmma · 26/12/2021 18:54

Some people are going to find it weird but it's their problem, not yours. Not your fault some people are small minded!

NoSquirrels · 26/12/2021 19:01

Why haven’t you changed your name before now? If you really don’t like it because of bad associations? Plenty of people change by deed poll to their mother’s maiden name for the reasons you’ve given - it’s a shame you didn’t do so before now.

I do get your reasoning, though, and if your DH-to-be was up for picking a whole new surname that would be ideal, but he’s not.

He likes his name.
You don’t like yours and want to change.

So it really seems like taking his name is the way forward.

Or you choose a new surname for yourself, he stays as is? If it’s important to match, take his. If it doesn’t matter but you don’t want to explain a name change other than by marriage (which people expect without question) just change your name to anything but at the same time you get married so acquaintances and colleagues don’t ask questions.

tectonicplates · 26/12/2021 19:01

I've known a couple of people who've just changed their surname to something entirely made up from scratch. Anyone can just do it.

Starlightstarbright1 · 26/12/2021 19:09

I changed my surname to a random name prior to marriage but changed to my husbands.. now ex husbands.

My change of name was about not belonging, my marriage was i was part of a family..

It seems like the wrong time wrong reason to me.

Blossom64265 · 26/12/2021 19:15

If you want to change your surname because you have negative associations with it, then just do that. You don’t need to link it to marriage.

I don’t agree with the rational that it is your father’s name. The moment you were born and it was bestowed upon you, the name became yours. My name is not the name of my abuser’s, it is my name. If you feel differently, then file the paperwork and get it changed.

As for marriage, I personally wouldn’t marry someone who wanted me to alter my name.

Honestly at this point in certain social circles, even taking your husband’s last name is going to have people thinking you are doing something a bit odd. People will get over it.

Original poster
Notamaidenname · 26/12/2021 19:16

@NoSquirrels the situation was something I only came to terms with through counselling fairly after fiancé and I were already engaged. I had previously planned to take his name.

At the same time some things happened and I realised I couldn’t just take his surname. I don’t feel comfortable as a feminist but I was doing it anyway to fit into a family that I previously didn’t have. I’m not sure that’s healthy for me.

We could double barrel new name with his name, he is potentially open to that. But don’t know if I feel silly.

OP posts:
SoupDragon · 26/12/2021 19:18

Change your name now to one of your choosing (mother's maiden name for example, or a random one!). Then simply don't change it when you get married. Or double barrel it on marriage with the surname of your choice.

Original poster
Notamaidenname · 26/12/2021 19:21

@Blossom64265 I understand that. For lots of people it is their name. And when they get married that is also their name then, not their husbands. For me that isn’t the case.

I get married in 18 months. I could just change my name now. But I’m not sure what to, and I am interested to hear if other people have done it, what the response was like from other people and how they chose a name they wanted to keep forever.

OP posts:
AnotherEmma · 26/12/2021 19:33

I can see why you would change your name when you get married if you've only recently decided you don't like it; marriage is kind of a socially acceptable excuse to change your name (not that you need one, but might decide it's easier to do it then). You should probably decide now whether you want just your own (new) surname or to double-barrel with his. If double-barrelling it makes sense to change after getting married. But if not taking his name at all (ie as part of a double-barrel) you might as well change your surname now. Because the reasons are unrelated to marriage, really.

BowiesJumper · 26/12/2021 19:43

I would double barrel with his and a new name when you get married. That way people will just assume it’s your married name and will limit any fuss around it.

33goingon64 · 26/12/2021 20:18

I know various couples who've done different inventive things, ranging from creating a new single name from a blend of their 2 names (think Brith for Brown and Smith), double barrelling her mum's maiden name with his name, and both opting to go by her Mum's maiden name.

Twizbe · 26/12/2021 20:48

I know lots of couples who've merged their names.

Would that work? It would be a new name for you but he'd still keep part of his.

I know one couple who did this and the way they did it, it sounds like she took his name but they changed the spelling to be the first part of her name. For example she was Tyle and he was Timple and they became Tymple.

gogohm · 26/12/2021 21:05

It would be odd to take a different name but could you blend your two names into something appropriate rather than double barrel? Otherwise just take his name, easier anyway

WorkHardPlayHard1 · 26/12/2021 21:15

[quote Notamaidenname]@Blossom64265 I understand that. For lots of people it is their name. And when they get married that is also their name then, not their husbands. For me that isn’t the case.

I get married in 18 months. I could just change my name now. But I’m not sure what to, and I am interested to hear if other people have done it, what the response was like from other people and how they chose a name they wanted to keep forever.[/quote]
Getting your husbands name when married is outdated/has connotations of subjugation and puts you on the path to losing your identity.

Choose a name you like eg a heroine in a book that you aspire to and be that person.

Just cos people have done it before you doesn't make it right xxx

FlowerFlour · 26/12/2021 21:37

@BowiesJumper

I would double barrel with his and a new name when you get married. That way people will just assume it’s your married name and will limit any fuss around it.
Do this. It's simple and you won't have to change your name multiple times. You would be merging your new name on equal terms with your fiancé's name.

Who cares what people think anyway? People might mention it once then quickly get used to your new name. In a few years, a few job changes and life moving on, nobody will ever know or care what your original name was.

Plus you can have fun choosing a new name!