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Original poster

Help me with replies to mansplaining BIL

25 replies

LadyHalesBroach · 26/12/2021 13:34

Just spent Xmas day with DSis, her husband (my BiL) and their 7 month old.

From the minute he walked in he put down my sister, mansplained how to feed her, how to do turkey, the potatoes, how to stack my fridge, how to work my TV. Even questions asked by my own DD to me, her mother, were replied by him. He repeated everything that I would say as his own. Someone could literally say ‘hey LadyHale what’s the weather?’ and if I said ‘raining’ you bet the next sentence would be from him saying ‘it’s mildly precipitating from a SW direction’.

I’ve just seen them off and breathing a sigh of relief. But I’m having an ELCS in three days and he’ll be back. My sister had an EMCS and I was asking her questions about it; she barely said a word. Pain relief? She had X. Feeding ok? She did Y. Sister didn’t answer anything.

Think he’s just stopped short of offering to perform the surgery himself. He works in IT but he’s so well informed I assume he’s as qualified as an obstetric surgeon?

Any retorts…? Barbed, witty, cutting, subtle I don’t mind.

OP posts:
BobbieT1999 · 26/12/2021 13:36

Bloody hell what a knob.

Unfortunately I'm not that subtle, so I would have just come out with "BiL I'm asking my sister, not you"

Good luck with your elcs!

RandomMess · 26/12/2021 13:38

Urgh call your sister and ask her one to one!!

As for him "I didn't ask you BIL, wait your turn!"

Outlyingtrout · 26/12/2021 13:40

I think I’d just pointedly ignore him and fix my eyes and concentration on my sister and keep asking questions directed at her, wait for her to answer and just literally ignore that he’s spoken. Worth a try. It will feel uncomfortable because if you’re not a rude bastard then it’s an unnatural way to converse, but unfortunately people like him leave few options. Hopefully he will eventually get the message.

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Original poster
LadyHalesBroach · 26/12/2021 13:45

My favourite moment was my sister asked me ‘what’s a glass ceiling?’ in relation to a quiz or conversation. I didn’t even open my mouth before he butted in and said ‘it’s like when I left hospitality for a job in IT so I could earn more money’.

I looked at him and said ‘no I think it’s more like a hypothetical female colleague working in IT longer than you but not earning as much based purely on her being a woman.’

He swore blind he was right.

OP posts:
TheWeeDonkey · 26/12/2021 13:46

Oh my God, what a dick. How in the hell does he know how it feels to have a CSection?

I always think the only saving grace with people like that is at least you don't have to live with them.

Hope all goes well for you OP

dapsnotplimsolls · 26/12/2021 13:51

The next time you see him, wait until you're sitting down and need to get up. Ask him for really precise instructions on how to get up, walk to the door and then open the door because you're just not sure how to do these complicated things.

Howshouldibehave · 26/12/2021 13:54

What a twat! Does your sister try to answer? Does it look like she is bothered by him answering for her?

SocialConnection · 26/12/2021 14:05

A clear set of go-to statements!

'Actually, I was asking sis - I'd really like to know how you feel?'

'I don't think you'd finished what you were saying?'

'Sorry, I didn't catch that, you were saying?'

'Actually I wanted sis's opinion on that as she's the one with the experience'

And so on ...

I sometimes have to use things like that with my OH when he's in bulldozer mode.

'I hadn't quite finished my sentence...'

Gerwurtztraminer · 26/12/2021 14:16

Ah, I have a family member like that. Always right, loves sound of his own voice. Your poor sister.

I tried polite smile and repeating the question to person I was talking to. I tried passive aggressive sarcasm "Really BiL I had no idea you're such an expert in XYZ". I tried "actually I was asking X not you" - that worked, with a muttered grumpy 'well sorry for speaking' response. On one occasion, along the lines of your glass ceiling example when he would not give up, I said "I'll think you need to accept I know more about this than you ever will, and you are talking out of a hole in your head, but happy for you to provide the evidence I'm wrong". That resulted in some serious sulking, especially as other family members present snorted into their drinks trying not to laugh, but he has hesitated to take me on again since!

For the ELCS interruptions I'd have been outright rude. "Actually I was hoping to hear the answer from a female who's actually had the experience of having her womb cut open/breast fed and as far as I know that's not you". Followed by a sweet smile.

Why do we always think of the best responses to know-it-all dickheads after the event though.

Howshouldibehave · 26/12/2021 14:29

I’d make some sort of ‘wow, you projected your voice really well there!’ And ‘ooh, you did it again!’ and see if he’d stop!

Original poster
LadyHalesBroach · 26/12/2021 14:31

I might ask him to show me his c section scar, and when he cant, I’ll leave that hanging in the air as I go back to my sister.

OP posts:
MoiraNotRuby · 26/12/2021 14:35

My advice is not to confront him or piss him off. He is awful to your sister in front of you. He is likely even worse when you aren't there. Any hint you don't like him and I expect he will manipulate your sister so she doesn't get to spend time with you.

Good luck with your new baby. Maybe you and your sis will be able to spend time together without him (at baby classes etc) and you can chat to her about it then?

Grimchmas · 26/12/2021 14:36

"Thanks but I was asking DSis"

"Did you mean to butt in/did you mean to be so rude?"

"I'm perfectly capable of speaking for myself thanks"

"Oh look at that - a man who knows a woman's experience better than her!"

"DBil - what's mansplaining?"

PuppyMonkey · 26/12/2021 14:38

Surely the best retort would be to say “thanks for mansplaining that Roger.” EVERY SINGLE TIME HE DOES IT. Then the others in the room will probably laugh along with you as they must be aware he does it. And he’ll look like a twat.Grin

LookItsMeAgain · 26/12/2021 14:45

About the C-Section, I'd have to tackle that one and ask him to show you his scar where they first inserted the uterus that he has given birth using and if he can't, ask to see his c-section scar then. If he can't show that, then go back to your sister and ask her about hers.
I fucking hate it when someone dominates the conversation, particularly if they swear that something is black when it's clearly white and vice versa.

If you really can't get an answer out of anyone other than him I'd have to interject with the line "If I wanted your opinion, I would have given it to you!"

PartyPrawnRingGames · 26/12/2021 14:48

My advice is not to confront him or piss him off. He is awful to your sister in front of you. He is likely even worse when you aren't there. Any hint you don't like him and I expect he will manipulate your sister so she doesn't get to spend time with you.

This

CallmeHendricksGingleBells · 26/12/2021 14:49

If you so t mind being passive-aggressively rude, you could laughingly say, "wow, sis, you said that without moving your lips!"

BigFatLiar · 26/12/2021 14:57

Our neighbours are a bit like this. He's a nice chap, well they're both quite nice, but when together if you ask him a question she answers. It's quite funny, you can see the look of resignation on his face. Even asking about his job she'll answer.
How you doing Bob?
Oh he's fine, aren't you.
Still working from home?
Not all the time he goes in two days a week.
When she's not there he's perfectly normal and talkative. When he's not there she's fine.

tara66 · 26/12/2021 15:00

Just say ''Shut up!'' - wit not required.

Roundeartheratchriatmas · 26/12/2021 15:36

BobbieT1999
Took the word right out of my mouth - even down to “I’m not subtle” Grin

IncompleteSenten · 26/12/2021 15:41

If I had the balls I'd start with waiting until he paused for breath then saying thank you bil but I was asking X. X
Next time it would be please stop. I want to hear from the person I asked

Third time oh will you please just pack it in. You're not the fucking oracle.

In reality I'd probably say thank you bil, now X,

Original poster
LadyHalesBroach · 26/12/2021 16:06

To those PPs who are worried about my sisters safety, genuinely he’s not that bad - he’s a bit like @BigFatLiar ‘s neighbour. Lacking awareness, loves the sound of his own voice, classically male-dominating, quite a twat but he does love my sister. She’s also just quite weak voiced and I try to encourage her to speak up but she’s after an easy life too.

But I do take your points and concern and I’ll
be mindful!

OP posts:
tectonicplates · 26/12/2021 16:16

Why does it not surprise me that he works in IT...

Morred · 26/12/2021 16:19

If you've got the time or patience, ask him every single time 'oh that's so interesting, where/when did you learn that?' and keep going until he's forced to admit he just read it online, or watched your sister actually doing the hard work.

notacooldad · 26/12/2021 16:20

How about " do I look fucking stupid or what, knobhead?" when he states something blindly obvious.
I have been known to say that to a pain on the ass colleague when he pipes up.

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