Severe mum guilt - help

[WildflowerWildfire]

My DD is 7 and I’ve struggled with my mental health for the past 10 years, probably more. I’m pretty sure I had postpartum psychosis after she was born, and I was severely unwell when I was pregnant too. I started taking sertraline when she was around 12 months old and things got better.

I’ve been a single parent for most of her life, her dad left a few months after she was born. I met a man when she was 3/4 who mentally tortured me and took advantage of my vulnerable position, which left me in an even worse state, to the point where I was suicidal.

Last night when I was finally alone, I bawled my eyes out thinking about all the mistakes I’ve made, and how let a vile human being affect the enjoyment of my daughter. She’s the most important thing in the world to me and I have so much guilt when I look back and think about the times where I snapped at her when I was tired and overwhelmed from the hard work that single parenting and poor mental health brings.

I can’t stop torturing myself about how I fucked up and how I let this man take over my thoughts and my life. I never introduced him to my daughter thank god, but he stole my mind for the best part of 2 years where I should have been happily enjoying my baby.

I can’t stop beating myself up and feeling terrible about this. I feel like the worst mum ever when all I ever wanted was to be the best for her.

If you were the worst mum ever, you wouldn’t be posting this nor would you have been so upset last night.

Forgive yourself, you were doing your best in a difficult situation - you are human. We’ve all snapped too quickly, not been patient enough, should have tried harder. We are just human.

I’m sure your daughter loves you very much and it’s clear how much you love her

Sounds like you've had a really tough time OP. Do you have any support in RL?

What stood out for me reading your post is the many positives that are in there:

• you acknowledge you are mentally unwell at times (which is SO HARD to do) and took steps to get better (sertraline)

• you had the good sense not to introduce him to your daughter, so limited the harm

• you realised what was happening and got rid of him

• you can see that she needs to be your focus for 2022

Honestly I know it may not feel like it but there is a lot to be thankful for there

CBT woukd do you the world of good in terms of how you mentally frame things. If you're in England you can self refer - Google "improving access to psychological therapy" in your area and fill out the self referral form

Keep going, you're doing really well

You won't be the first or last. Don't beat yourself up. You will need to heal though and it could take several years. Don't let any more men in until you have completed the healing process and mended the relationship with your daughter x

Please don't blame yourself for being vulnerable to abuser. You also did so much to protect your daughter- you never let him meet her, and you're no longer with him!
I know how it feels when you lose yourself in the drama of a relationship and it can feel like you've abandoned your child. I've used that feeling to think about how I'm also abandoning myself when I do that.
You can't change the past but you can't absolutely learn from it and grow stronger and stronger with your daughter.
I firmly believe that surviving these things and experiencing mental health difficulties can make us much more understanding and empathetic parents and people generally. We're far less likely to judge others in positions we've been in.
Have you done the Freedom Programme? I found it hugely helpful in building my self-esteem and realising I am enough for me and for my son. Sending you bundles of love and strength and best wishes for 2022.