How do you get over the loss of friendships?

[littlepieces]

I feel like all my adult friendships have been very transient - is this just the way friendships are? I've made some great friends, but every time they eventually disappear from my life. It kind of makes me not want to bother anymore. I went to school/sixth form with three of my best friends (one I've known since I was 6) so it's not like I can't keep friendships.

At uni I had some brilliant friends, but 12 years later I'm only still in contact with one of them. I lived abroad for a few years and became part of a close group of four friends. We had such a good time together for a couple of years. Then everyone gradually left the city we lived in for work/family/relationships. We stayed in touch for a couple of years, met up a few times, but now I never hear from any of them. I sent a message to the group WhatsApp earlier in the week wishing them all a merry Christmas and asking what they were up to over the holidays. They've all read it and only two have replied with a blunt 'Thanks, Merry Christmas.' It makes me really sad that our friendship is done, they couldn't care less any more when they all matter very much to me. I've moved on with my life too, have made a few new friends etc. but still feel sad about it. Anyone else ever feel like this and how do you process it? It's not something people talk about much.

If I've read your post correctly you've got 4 lasting friendships?
That sounds pretty good to be honest, that old adage some friends are for a life, some a season is very true. Things bring you together and other things take you apart and lives weave and intersect and only the real soul mates last as long as the friends you have since 6th form.
Subs like you have a strong loyal streak, which is lovely, I do too, but don't let it come between you recognising that in the disorganised organic mess that is life most threads that run alongside yours for a while will go eventually but the best ones will stay and letting them go can be hard if it is too soon for you. I think it helps if it isn't a personal reason. Long distance relationships are hard whether they are friendships or romantic, there's a reason they often fail, keeping a relationship alive needs time and attention which is hard from a distance. I think you're doing at least as well or better than many.

Some friends are with you for a reason, a season or forever.

Sounds like you have forever friends which many of us don't and these ones were just with you for a season,

Like minds @TopCatsTopHat !

🤣🤣 Quality advice obvs.

The thing is, if you move around lots (which I have too) it just isn't realistic to maintain friendships in different places and timezones once you're no longer part of each other's daily lives. I have a small handful of lifelong friends, and others who I was once close to but we've drifted apart for no reason other than geography and convenience. Then there are people I consider good friends now, but realistically if I or they moved away then ten years from now we probably would have lost touch. It's just the way things go. Four long-term friendships is pretty good going I think.

That's a lovely post @TopCatsTopHat.
And yes I'd say I have 4 close friends I talk to once a week or so at least. There's also another 2 old work colleagues I catch up with from time to time too. Friends always mean a lot to me and I'm very appreciative whenever I'm lucky enough to meet people I have a connection with. It just seems like a lot of others easily forget and move on.

I think you just feel your friendship love very strongly. That doesn't mean others don't but maybe they keep it balanced with an element of pragmatism that what you are describing is inevitable.
I think your ability to truly enjoy your friends is likely why you have the lasting ones you do! You are friend rich compared to so many!
Perhaps reframe your view, don't grieve that they are gone, just be grateful that life lent them to you at all for however long. That you met someone lovely and connected and shared that experience, and now they are carrying that light on in a different corner of the world but they are still out there and you can feel the warmth of knowing the world has all these nice folk in it and that you got to enjoy them while you could.

Interesting post.
I have lost two long-standing friendships this year -fell apart when our lockdown views differed. But I have made new friends who are lovely and I don’t miss the others. Sometimes we stay friends with people out of habit.

Yeah some friendships do run their natural course and perhaps you grow and change to be incompatible. Have definitely experienced that too, but seems easier to accept this sometimes than just general drifting apart.

I identify with so much of this, op. I've had lots of lovely seasonal friends in my life. I have lots of acquaintances who I know I could be really close to if circumstances were different.

I've also had to let a couple of long-standing friendships go this year and it's really painful. I realised that to me, plans made were firm and something I looked forward to. To them, plans were tenuous and something to be changed if a better offer came along. My tolerance for that has waned.

Sometimes friendships burn brightly for a short term and fizzle. Others have a low flame which endures despite time and distance. I'm lucky to have plenty of those and it sounds as though you are too.

I am finding exactly the same. I lost two good friends over lockdown, and also developed some transient get through lockdown friendships that also petered out.

It has made me a bit more cynical if I am honest - I am even finding that a relationship with a much loved Aunt has changed.

My sister said something about lockdown breaking the bonds between people and I agree - it’s as if we have collectively seen how little contact we could / had to cope with and now can’t go back to how things were.

Or maybe I feel a bit down generally, not sure.

I am also wondering which of my remaining friendships / new contacts will fizzle out and in the end see my close family as my only forever people. (And I am lucky to have them).

I envy my mum who has had a very dear friend for around 60 years.
They are both frail and in poor health yet manage to maintain their friendship, albeit at a distance these days.

However, my mum has had many friendships over the decades. Many have died but some were what I'd describe as fair weather friends. Ie friends who only hung around when things were rosy or who needed something but then moved on.

I've had many friendships over the decades and I've realised that when life changes , so do your friends. Eg, I had many friends in my hometown but when I moved a couple of hundred miles away, these friendships were hard to maintain and ended up being Christmas card acquaintances ( there's currently a thread on this.)

You change jobs, your children go to secondary school/go to uni and more changes occur.

You get a part time job, you make new friends and the old friends , in your old job, just carry on without you.

It's sad but you can never regret knowing all the people that you meet and have a good time with.

Live evolves. Hopefully to suit you.

Don't regret the CFs though!