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Original poster

I cant sleep worrying about MIL -I thinm she was trying to tell us there is something wrong?

26 replies

Makinganewthinghappen · 26/12/2021 01:12

MIL came round for christmas lunch and after she left and the kids had gone to bed the day started swirling round in my head and i realised that she seemed like she needed help or comfort in some way?

She is in her early 80s and has had some health issues in the past - she had a heart attack a few years ago but she is actually pretty healthy seeming and doesnt need help with anything, she loves alone, gardens, drives etc.

But today when she arrived she just didnt seem well, we had to warm her up and settle her down . Once she was warm she was ok she seemed afraid to eat much but did eat a small meal. Once our kid had gone in the other room to play she mentioned that she has pain in her leg and the muscles had been twitching the leg had been hurting like toothache and she wanted to saw it off!

I walked her to her car (she had to park a couple of mind away). And she said as she was leaving that she hadnt known whether to come because she felt so odd this morning and asked if i knew the feeling where you dont know whats wrong but that something is wrong and that she doesnt know what she wants some days she doesnt speak to anyone and others people call her and she has had enough of people!

Then she got in her car and drove off.

I dont have much family of my own but if this were one of the family i do have i would get on the train tomorrow go to their house, tuck them in in bed and probably call the gp monday. I feel like she just needs company and looking after.

However dhs family are not like that. I should say i love MIL,SIL and DH i have known them 21 years and MIL has always been around helping (my own mum died when i was a teenager).

MIL hates passionately any sign of illness or weakness she is fiercely independant and anything vaguely emotional like telling her i want to help will make her seriously uncomfortable . She even said today that she hates mentioning it because she has no patience with ill people and so she doesn’t want to moan to other people.

Dh and SIL have the social skills of spades, they are both wonderful people but they wont ask mil or offer help for fear of upsetting her.

I have tried to talk to dh this evening but he just stared at me totallyb blankly like he hadnt even seen any of this and went to sleep.

I am lying awake now trying to decide if i am totally losing my mind and way over thinking or if mil was asking for/ or showing that she wanted help or she was worried?

If she was what do i do! None of her children will do anything and i dont feel like i can barge in wrap her in a blanket with a hot water bottle and call a doctor Blushwhich is kind of what my mind is screaming to do.

Am i just being crazy here! What would you do?

OP posts:
BobbieT1999 · 26/12/2021 01:19

I don't think you're being crazy and I think you ought to go and see her if that's your instinct. There's a world of difference between saying nothing and tucking someone up with a blanket and hot water bottle, so find an approach that she will accept and go with that.

In your shoes I'd probably head over and say your concerned, you were sorry to hear she can go days without speaking to others and you'd like to spend a bit of time with her.

Keep it light and hopefully she'll feel comfortable enough to open up a bit. Encourage her to see a gp - use the reasoning that tackling it now will ensure the can keep her independence for longer than if she ignored a problem.

JanglyBeads · 26/12/2021 01:22

It sounds like she was definitely confiding some fears in you OP, she obviously appreciates your relationship. I don't think you need to worry about overstepping as it's you, rather than one of her children, in whom she confided.

How far away is she and when would you normally see her again? Do you know if she's seen a GP or nurse recently? Could you suggest she makes an appointment?

Perhaps you could frame not in terms and being ill abs "moaning" but as making sure "everything's working as it should so that you can continue living your independent life"? Hope you got to sleep in the end.

gsaoej · 26/12/2021 01:25

Does she text?
Could you message to check in on her?
And make an offer to come round if she needs anything?

At least if it’s on a message and she doesn’t want help then she’ll won’t be put on the spot.

Often people don’t want help, even if they need it.

Pantsomime · 26/12/2021 01:27

You are right to worry. Ring her tomorrow and suggest she be seen by a doctor. If possible drive to her and find out how she’s living/ really feeling

ImmutableSexQueen · 26/12/2021 01:28

You seem to be a very caring person. You are kind and good. If it's what you want to do, go and see her, check on her. Even if she doesn't actually need help, she will be so happy to know that when she reached out, you cared.

ThePlantsitter · 26/12/2021 01:30

Honestly if something is wrong her own children are likely to be in denial anyway. It's ok to make a nuisance of yourself if you are happy to play a large role in helping her if there is something wrong.

Head over there when you can. You may find she's fine when you get there - great - or you may not and then can help.

TopCatsTopHat · 26/12/2021 01:31

Could you need to return a gift to a shop near where she lives, or other spurious errand, and call in but that way you don't need to stay long if all looks OK, but can happen to stick around if she seems grateful for the company?
I wouldn't ignore a screaming guy feeling like that i don't think but also you need to be tactful and recognise her character and what would work best.

Original poster
Makinganewthinghappen · 26/12/2021 01:39

Thanks 🙂 she lives really close just two train stops away - so we do go there . Neither dh or I have are able to get a driving licence ( in my case my sight isnt good enough!) so thats the only reason we would get a train its not a long journey.

I would never dare even offer her a hot water bottle she would be offended at that even i think! But i wish i could.

I think today just shocked me thst she even mentioned it she is very anti medical, very very few tests even with the heart attack few medications in her life and no vacccines ( a whole other thread!) so while i may be able to convince her to sit snd rest the chances of her actually seeking help are slim to none. Which is actually really upsetting me tbh!

I think i will try and go round though

OP posts:
Graphista · 26/12/2021 01:49

Sounds like a potential TIA (mini stroke) to me or possibly dehydration and UTI (can affect the elderly oddly)

if i knew the feeling where you dont know whats wrong but that something is wrong and that she doesnt know what she wants some days she doesnt

That's a "sense of impending doom" and can be a symptom of certain medical conditions inc TIA

The pain in her leg could be where a clot started off.

In all honesty? I'd be getting a medic to see her asap

Tbqh I wouldn't have let her drive! Not only for her sake.

Pain in leg
Indications of poor circulation
Agitated affect
Behaviour and communication out of character
Sense of impending doom

She needs to see an hcp asap

Has she had alcohol once home (I'm presuming not before driving home!) if so that's actually possibly a bonus as a blood thinner but if she were my mil I'd want her seen by someone soon

CovidPassQuestion · 26/12/2021 01:54

I was going to mention impending doom feeling,and it being linked to certain illnesses- thankfully graphista said it far more eloquently than I could.

Do phone her tomorrow, or try and get DH to pop round (maybe with leftovers or something?)

RosesAndHellebores · 26/12/2021 02:05

Phone her boxing day and ask her how her leg is as she said it had been so painful. Prattle on a bit about what a lovely day you all had on Christmas Day, ask her what's out in the garden, etc, and be clear that you are worried about her and you think she needs to see her GP or even ring 111 for advice. You then have done what you can do. TBF with Monday and Tuesday being Bank Holidays it probably is a call to 111.

Good luck and she's lucky to have you

Original poster
Makinganewthinghappen · 26/12/2021 02:16

I had thought about a blood clot because she is a heavy smoker i even managed ri get her to show me her leg ! There was nothing visible wrong with it no swelling or redness but the muscle was twitching on its own. You could see a twitch in her calf! She said its been sore a few weeks

Would that be consistent with a blood clot ?
I wish i had made more fuss when she was here now but i had her telling me it was a pulled muscle and dh staring in wonder at me inspecting his mothers legs !

OP posts:
madisonbridges · 26/12/2021 02:28

I'm not an expert but twitching muscles are more to do with nerves than blood clots. It's quite common yo gave it from time to time, but if its persistent, she needs to see a doctor. It come a being disorder but it can be something more serious. To help she could try to stress less, keep well hydrated, and avoid caffeine. But consulting a doctor is best.

beenthereboughtthetshirt · 26/12/2021 02:53

My friend has a blood clot which has now travelled to his lung. Medics got him in pronto and all symptoms were taken very seriously in face to face appointment.

With your MIL it could be anything though.

Your MIL needs to see medic asap.

blahblahblah2000 · 26/12/2021 03:23

The other concern is her electrolytes, you can get fatigue and muscle issues with the wrong levels.

Blossom64265 · 26/12/2021 03:34

If she didn’t seem like herself, given her age, you are right to be concerned. If you can visit her and check on her, I would.

If you still think she seems off, would she perhaps respond to a very pragmatic approach. Point out that at her age that sometimes that nagging feeling can be something really treatable if it is addressed quickly.

My own parent displayed a change in personality and ended up in the ICU from a UTI. If he had gone in a day earlier, he might have been able to be treated as an outpatient or at least on the regular ward, but it just came on so fast.

MyOtherProfile · 26/12/2021 03:38

Call her today and see how she is. Ask her to go to the doctor and get a bp check.

Graphista · 26/12/2021 03:52

A twitch is a less common symptom but could be yes a symptom of a clot

Could also be a symptom of dehydration as Electrolytes get messed up and that can affect nerves or the muscles react

Dehydration is NOT always a minor issue in the elderly

@Blossom64265 is right often early dx can lead to quickly reversible treatment the sooner the better but that applies to all of us really

But yes more so the elderly (as with infants) they can go up and down very quickly! They have a lot in common the extremes of ages in terms of response to ailments

Truly if this were my gran/mil I'd be doing all I could to get her seen by someone.

TiddlesTheTiger · 26/12/2021 03:54

Would she be more likely to consult a doctor, or 111, if you say that you are worried and you would like to be reassured?

Her leg must be quite painful, for her to describe it as she did, and she must be worried even if she isn't admitting it to herself.

NumberTheory · 26/12/2021 04:17

Would she, perhaps, respond to an offer of help that was framed in a matter of fact, even brusque manner rather than a more touchy-feely, “nice” way?

So go round and say something along the lines of “MIL I know you have no patience with illness, but you sounded like you would benefit from seeing your GP. I’m not here because I think you need my help, I know how capable you are. I’m here because you’re a source of strength for our family and we owe you more than I can say. I know you hate people interfering, but you worried me yesterday because it was so unlike you, so I’m being unlike me and trying to make sure you get someone to look into that leg and the way you’re feeling.”

Holbrook9 · 26/12/2021 04:26

As she lives so close, I'd head there asap tomorrow morning, bring her back to yours so she has company, then ring 111 or whatever.

Gives her company and you can investigate.

Firsttimetrier · 26/12/2021 04:42

My grandma is a similar age (feel so thankful to have her with us when I’m 31!) and won’t ever accept the need for help.
Like your husband, my mum and uncles are in denial and doesn’t like to make a fuss but you need to intervene and give him some tough love to do something before it becomes more serious,

Years ago, my grandma had issues with her sight and had headaches for months but down played it. She eventually had a seizure and got rushed to hospital where they found a tumour. Luckily, it was benign and was removed easily before it spread any further.

I’ve come to realise that people of my grandma’s generation won’t accept help as they are very prideful, but it’s our job as children/grandchildren to look after them at this stage.

Please visit her today and intervene by getting her to a doctor, even if that means a visit to a&e. Better to be safe than sorry.

glittereyelash · 26/12/2021 04:47

This reminds me of when my mother was dying. She had a personality change, didn't want anyone seeing her, stopped eating, complained about wanting to rip out her teeth and just seemed off in general. Act now we were too late by the time we did anything. Best wishes and hope she will be ok

Stopsnowing · 26/12/2021 05:10

I am not a doctor but have heard that a sense of impending doom is a sign of sepsis. Something is not right with her mentally or physically and I would go there ASAP and take her to a and e and basically make out that she would be helping YOU if she did.

AllMonstersAreHuman · 26/12/2021 07:14

@Makinganewthinghappen does your MIL have other children except your DH and SIL? Or adult Grandchildren? If so, have you mentioned any of your concerns to them? How do you know that another close family member isn't already aware of the situation but just hasn't spokem to you directly about it? If your MIL is very private she might not have mentioned if others are aware of her situation or they may not have mentioned to you about it to respect her privacy. If the above is true, maybe try to reach out to other family about it before jumping ahead on your own.