I knew Christmas would be awful. It usually is, and this year was always going to be worse but I feel so worn out and low. I just really need somewhere to moan. I'm a single parent and have two teenage daughters, both autistic. They (and me) have had a really tough few years and we really don't have anyone much around. It's just us. They both find Christmas difficult but for different reasons. My youngest wants everything to be picture perfect; lots of decorations, beautifully set table, special food, dressed up etc. My eldest is massively overwhelmed by all of it, but would dearly love to join in. Doing stuff without her and letting her be in her room just makes her feel sad, trying to arrange stuff with her puts too much pressure on her. Over the years we've found some things that help, like no surprise presents, no big dinner etc., but inevitably she is in pieces by the afternoon and usually locked in her room in tears by the evening. Meanwhile youngest is in tears having compromised so much already and still not being able to do happy family things. Last year ended up with my eldest suicidal and my youngest having a panic attack while I shuttled between them.
And this year, we are staying with my mum because my dad has been in hospital severely ill, and is now on palliative care, so the girls are finding it even harder because their mum and grandma are obviously stressed and sad.
I had four hours sleep last night. Both girls had meltdowns during the night. I've been on high alert trying to support them both and my mum during the day and it still all went to shit. I just want to crawl into a hole and weep for my lovely dad but there's no time to just be me and feel my feelings. I'm so fucking sad for my daughters, my mum, my dad and me. It's all such a mess and no one's getting what they want or need. I hate Christmas.