I don't think I'm depressed. I'm really happy with my life and recognise how incredibly lucky I am. I have two beautiful young children who are just amazing.
I'm not sure if it's hormonal, but I recently had a coursework deadline and I worked so hard on it. Once it was over I was instantly so relieved and celebrated, but the following week and ever since I've felt really strange. I look at my lovely children and feel like I'm not a proper mum to them and that I'm not a real person. Obviously I know that I am, and I don't feel empty - I love them so much - but I do feel like I'm not good enough for them and I feel this really sad dark feeling a lot of the time (I am always with them so I don't think they are causing it as such just that I happen to feel this way at times when I'm with them).
This all sounds really self absorbed and I promise I'm not like that, I'm just trying to describe the feeling. Neither of them sleep through (sometimes I'm up hourly or more although normally it's only every two or three, one has medical conditions that may or may not contribute) and I wonder if that in addition to the extra pressure from trying to study in the nights has caused this somehow. I do just feel so tired all the time and it's been this way since my eldest was born 3.5 years ago. Every day feels like one of those wired sweaty days from lack of sleep and I always ache. I know lots of mums just get on with this and so do I, I'm comparatively very lucky.
I'm not depressed, I'm still functioning and getting everything done, but might antidepressants take this horrible dark feeling away? It's hard to describe. I'm worried it will affect the children as I feel like I'm going through the motions and being manically cheerful and getting everything all wrong.
I am breastfeeding at the moment but I think my toddler might self wean soon.