DS didn't come home to ours at Christmas . Feeling sad.

[Passmethesprouts]

Nc for this. I'm trying to be jolly for my DD15 but it hurts. DS 24 ,for the 3rd year in a row (last year cos of lockdown so understandable)cancelled coming to ours for Christmas . DH had booked a flight for him and on the evening of the 23rd ,he feigned some illness (not covid) and cancelled. The past two years he has spend time on his own whilst his girlfriend goes to her family.(They never invite him). I strongly suspected this would be the case again this year but myself ,DH and DD15 are so disappointed .
He phoned again last night and did not seem in the slightest bit unwell . I suspect his girlfriend has put pressure on him to stay down there (they live 300 miles away from us ) and he didn't take much persuading even though he gets upset about it a few weeks later
I know there are worse things happening in the world but I feel sad . Especially for my DD as she misses him . Also through into the mix the amount of cannabis both he and his girlfriend smoke . (i hate the stuff). I mentioned to him last night that his sister was disappointed but he started saying to me "dont make me feel guilty". So I dropped it as didnt want to have a fight so near Christmas. I dont know what Ive done . I can never speak to my son without his girlfriend listening and commenting in the loudpeaker phone. I just feel as I dont think we have been the worse parents to him , we are not perfect but have tried our best. I don't like this woman he is with but I have always been nice to her . I know it isn't just her but also my son , who is being crap . I also know he will moan about her in a few weeks and I cant say anything . Just feel a bit sad .

Do you see him at other points in the year? Do you invite her? And do you let them use cannabis at yours (if not this may be a reason?)

I would ignore her role, why do you think your ds is avoiding you? Does he visit other times?
If he goes to complain in a few weeks, cut him off and remind him he made his choice.

"Don't make me feel guilty" would piss me off actually you can't force someone to "feel guilty"

Just plan for next year without them

@Theunamedcat

"Don't make me feel guilty" would piss me off actually you can't force someone to "feel guilty"

Just plan for next year without them

Still upsetting though

Thanks for replying . We have visited him and he has twiced cancelled meals etc while we were there, that we have booked and they have had big rows.(Dunno what about , his gf just started shouting and screaming at him about ?). They have both came down a couple of times together and first time ,his gf started being bitchy about my DD( who she had met once). I was seething but chose to ignore her . Last time ,they came down to surprise us a couple of months ago and I had something for me and DH the night we came down (we cancelled it )and next day something booked for me and DD (we cancelled it too) and spent the time with them. I don't let them smoke that stuff in the house and think they keep it and smoke it in her car.(I know !) This last time he came down ,on the last day ( he was down for two days,he went into a bad mood because I spend a couple of hours in my room revising for an interview I had next day ) . I am just fed up as I have always gave him a lovely Christmas . I had alot of DV growing up and he has never had that at Christmas . And I feel sad for my DD who misses him.

Is the girlfriend invited as well?

I would feel upset too.

Yes I invited her but she said she was going to her parents. (Which she has and left him in their flat for the third year running .She lives very near her parents).

His grandad (Dh's dad) has terminal cancer and would to see him as well. He is doing okay for now but who knows how long he has ? Sorry just down and think , why do children grow up to hurt you ?😭

I think young adults are very selfish, I know (ashamedly) I was. I think they assume everyone will be around forever and they have no sense of their own or others mortality. I think it changes as they get older. I’m currently going through similar things with my own adult dd. It’s very hard. Lots of ❤️ to you.