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Original poster

Teenage daughter didn’t get me anything

50 replies

FabricedeSauveterre · 25/12/2021 12:07

I’m so upset my 14 yr old didn’t get me anything. She has access to my credit card and took the 8 year old shopping and I asked her to get me some bits and it’s clear this morning she didn’t get anything. She ordered stuff for her friends on Amazon at my expense and her boyfriend has several bits. We live 10 mins walk away from several shops and she’s been into town numerous times this week and I reminded her to buy for me and her Dad. I also suspect she has regifted the present the 8 year old bought when they went shopping together as there’s some mystery over it and it hasn’t been given to me.
My 11 year old has got me a candle and a bottle of hair stuff and that’s all I’ve had to open. I feel the teenager is old enough to see how much effort I put in. It’s first divorced Christmas so no DH present. I made sure the younger two bought for Ex DH and I think he would have ensured all had bought for me but he got Covid in the week leading up to Xmas when he was meant to have the kids. DD (14) is generally polite and we don’t argue, but we’re not very emotionally close and she doesn’t confide in me and now I feel unloved. Tell me tales of your teenagers being selfish. She bought me a couple of lovely small thoughtful but inexpensive things for my birthday in the summer so I had higher expectations. I have obviously gone all out for her and her sisters

OP posts:

Smartiepants79 · 25/12/2021 16:38

@stingofthebutterfly

I wouldn't expect my (almost) 14 year old to get me anything. I don't expect any of my teenage children to.

Why not? You are her family. Why should children not get their significant adults a small gift? Unless you’re not buying them gifts either?? My Dds have not spent more than £6 between them but they’ve still Managed to pick me thoughtful gifts that shows they’ve thought about me and the things I like. Do no adults in your family get presents? It’s not a lot to ask of most children above the age of 10.

PurpleDaisy2114 · 25/12/2021 16:38

I've had FA from my DS aged 16 but I'm not bothered- he's happy and DH has made up for it.

icedcoffees · 25/12/2021 16:48

@stingofthebutterfly

I wouldn't expect my (almost) 14 year old to get me anything. I don't expect any of my teenage children to.

See, I find this a really weird attitude.

No, they're not going to be able to spend a fortune or buy much, but surely part of being a parent is to teach your kids about societal norms - and those include giving gifts to people you're close to - including your parents.

If you don't expect them to get you anything at 14, at what age would you expect it? 16? 18? 25? Never?

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

Christmas Families

OvenBakedOwl · 25/12/2021 16:49

@stingofthebutterfly more fool you then. But if you want to place yourself low down on anyone's list to do anything for, then crack on

Teens should absolutely be buying their parents gifts. My youngest is 15 and he bought me books and some other bits I wanted and asked for. Of course I made sure the funds were available to him and his stepdad helped with facilitating it all.

But it's not about what they get - a joke made voucher fine, tiny box of chocolates, whatever. It's the thought.

Any mother who says ' I don't want them to get me anything' just sounds like a bloody martyr to me. Imagine raising kids who are happy to receive piles of gifts but can't be arsed to make sure their mum has a little something ..

I'd be talking to her OP. Maybe not today but a conversation would be had and I wouldn't be that gentle about it either

saraclara · 25/12/2021 16:52

@ChequerBoard

Why does it matter?

I don't expect my DC to get presents for us as parents. There isn't really anything we want or need anyway.

I'd rather we all had a lovely family day together around the table and enjoying each other's company.

Things don't matter - people and our relationships do.

It's not an either/or. My daughters managed to do both (and enjoyed doing so) from the moment they had pocket money. They still do, and they're in their early thirties now.

But they need to grow up with it. From when they were toddlers, we'd buy little treats for other family members/siblings when we were out They grew up with giving (small things) to show affection and make people happy.

Gensola · 25/12/2021 16:54

All these people who don’t expect their teenage kids to give them anything are raising the next generation of selfish, feckless manchildren/womanchildren who will be too self-centred to function as adult humans.

Beamur · 25/12/2021 16:57

My DD is also 14. She has bought kind, thoughtful gifts for all her family. Not necessarily expensive but she's put thought and effort into it.
I'd be feeling pretty hurt in your shoes too OP.

CharlotteRose90 · 25/12/2021 17:01

That’s actually mean. She can’t expect presents if she doesn’t think about you. She can order her friends and boyfriend things from Amazon but can’t order you a crappy candle from there. No chance I’d be taking away any treats and stuff from now on . That’s nasty behaviour.

Patapouf · 25/12/2021 17:02

It is really very weird that you asked your daughter, repeatedly to get you a present. She's a child

I think it's worth exploring some therapy if you equate gifts with love, especially if it affects you so much if your child doesn't obey you buy you a gift.

icedcoffees · 25/12/2021 17:10

@Patapouf

It is really very weird that you asked your daughter, repeatedly to get you a present. She's a child

I think it's worth exploring some therapy if you equate gifts with love, especially if it affects you so much if your child doesn't obey you buy you a gift.

A child that managed to get her friends and boyfriend a gift, but couldn't be bothered to even pick up a bunch of flowers or a box of chocolates up for mum.

It's nothing to do with equating gifts with love, it's the fact that she was too lazy/selfish to get her mother anything, but was happy to use her mums' credit card to buy stuff for everyone else.

roxisolerenshaw · 25/12/2021 17:13

I find a lot of these replies odd. I don't give to receive and therefore have no expectations that anyone should get me anything. If I do receive gifts it's a wonderful surprise

AngelsEyeball · 25/12/2021 17:16

Maybe next year dd puts stuff in Amazon basket she thinks you may like and then you ship using her suggestions. They arrive she wraps them up and looked surprised on Xmas day. That’s what me and my dd do.

CovidForChristmas · 25/12/2021 17:19

Wow, that’s really unkind. Especially considering she got gifts for the friends/bf. I would also be having a stern word (and removal of the credit card!).

EmmasMum12 · 25/12/2021 17:24

I think your 14 year old thinks you're a pushover, not important/undervalues you and she has no respect for you.

I think you need to shift some boundaries, tighten them up and explain that you sadly feel undervalued....hence the tightening of boundaries (eg no credit card, give her weekly pocket money for chores)

sweetbellyhigh · 25/12/2021 17:33

@Patapouf

It is really very weird that you asked your daughter, repeatedly to get you a present. She's a child

I think it's worth exploring some therapy if you equate gifts with love, especially if it affects you so much if your child doesn't obey you buy you a gift.

Utter bollocks.

Gift giving isn't for everyone but it is important to the OP and so it needs to be important to her family.

My 14yo got himself organised literally months ago, surveyed everyone for requests, asked me and his dad to order the goods then paid us back from his earnings, and proudly doled out these gifts on Christmas morning.

NynaeveSedai · 25/12/2021 18:02

@stingofthebutterfly

I wouldn't expect my (almost) 14 year old to get me anything. I don't expect any of my teenage children to.

More fool you

NynaeveSedai · 25/12/2021 18:02

@Patapouf

It is really very weird that you asked your daughter, repeatedly to get you a present. She's a child

I think it's worth exploring some therapy if you equate gifts with love, especially if it affects you so much if your child doesn't obey you buy you a gift.

It's really weird that you don't think it's important to teach your children to appreciate people they love and give gifts on Christmas and birthdays

Takemine · 25/12/2021 18:34

Op, you aren't teaching gift giving by doing this. Not at all.

Ohyesiam · 25/12/2021 18:39

Teens can be very blinkered to people’s needs.
I would tell her I’m hurt without laying lots of emotion on her as they tend to polarise with you if they feel guilty.
I think she’s bang out of order though 🌺🌸🌹

Newgirls · 25/12/2021 18:42

Ok this is to hopefully make you feel better

Maybe she felt it was your money on the card so didn’t feel she should spend it

Maybe in the past your ex has helped with this sort of the thing and she didn’t know what to do

Maybe she needs her own basic account and she does jobs to add funds to it

And then perhaps mention it in a few days and ask her? I doubt very much she wanted to upset you

Oblomov21 · 25/12/2021 18:42

I would find this hurtful. A 50p bar of chocolate is a beautiful gift.

Bambooshoot · 25/12/2021 18:48

What planet is this? A child has your credit card? And you expect a gift for you, from your own money? Some of the responses you have had seem incredibly needy, like some last minute choice that you pay for will let you know if your child loves you - is that really the test? I wouldn’t expect a gift unless the person had their own money to spend. This seems like adults who haven’t quite managed to let go of the idea that everyone gets something wonderful at Christmas - sadly, that is really only meant for children.

Chokkiesaurus · 25/12/2021 18:59

@Newgirls

Ok this is to hopefully make you feel better

Maybe she felt it was your money on the card so didn’t feel she should spend it

Maybe in the past your ex has helped with this sort of the thing and she didn’t know what to do

Maybe she needs her own basic account and she does jobs to add funds to it

And then perhaps mention it in a few days and ask her? I doubt very much she wanted to upset you

You could be right.

Original poster

FabricedeSauveterre · 25/12/2021 19:13

I didn’t realise this would be such a polarising thread! Kids gets gifts for adults in my family. They enjoy doing it when little, I think it is good to think of others and what they might like. I think it teaches thoughtfulness. Obviously she doesn’t have her own money. I don’t expect her to get a job, she’s 14 and has a long commute to school and a lot of homework. I can afford to give her a budget for spends generally on my card I’ve explained upthread the rules on it, her spending limit isn’t extravagant and if she spent in excess the card would be taken away. I was expecting her to spend around £5-£15 on tokens. She used to have a debit card on her own account but has been locked out it, as I said I’ve had zero issues with her having my CC and sticking to her modest budget.

We do family gift giving on Xmas day and its part of our family tradition. Kids to siblings and adults. This is usually a very modest exchange in comparison to what my very fortunate kids have. We’ve done this for years. We never see other adults on Xmas since I have no extended family so I ensure this way everyone has a small gift. Other families may do it differently but this is our family expectation and tradition and she knows this.

OP posts:

Takemine · 25/12/2021 19:16

Could it be that first Christmas following divorce is as hard for her as for you?

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