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Original poster

I can’t stand nieces boyfriend but wouldn’t do anything to upset her. So need strategies to “be nice”.

24 replies

Diditopknot · 24/12/2021 19:16

I avoid him if I’m honest, not seen him in over a year.
But they have just had covid and it’s kind of obvious as I’m only asking how she is in messages. I have no interest in him.
She just replied with “we are feeling better thanks” even though I asked how she is.

Cannot stand him, absolute arsehole of a human being.
She loves him, cannot or will not acknowledge what a complete tosser he is so they are not splitting up unfortunately so we as a family are stuck with him.
I’m not planning on seeing him at all in the future but her mum keeps saying that we all need to be nice to him for niece as she is the most important person, which she is.
Pffft.

OP posts:
BeLessMe · 24/12/2021 19:35

How was it obvious, did you ask ‘how are you Alice?’ Or just a ‘how are you?’ Which could have meant both of them.

If it’s only via text it is a lot easier than in person.

Reply, “glad to hear that”, that could include them both from her point of view.

TheWildRumpyPumpus · 24/12/2021 19:59

You sound over-invested in your neice’s relationship!

I don’t understand how you could specifically ask how she is? Good for her with her response to be honest.

FrippEnos · 24/12/2021 20:09

TBH Diditopknot, I can only see this hurting you in the long run. even if they break up she is going to remember how you have treated this BF and will be less likely to have you in her life.

It would be interesting to know if her mum is saying things to placate you or if she doesn't like him either.

Interested in this thread?

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Relationship problems
Original poster
Diditopknot · 24/12/2021 20:12

None of the family can stand him.
No one.

OP posts:
pinkchristmastree11 · 24/12/2021 20:13

What's he done wrong?

Crankley · 24/12/2021 20:17

You could try being an adult.

EveryFlightBeginsWithAFall · 24/12/2021 20:20

None of us could stand ds1s now ex girlfriend , it got to apoint in the end where I was the only one who still talked to her.

You have to just suck it up so as not to isolate your dn. Just send a message saying I'm glad you are both feeling better. It won't kill you !

SALTyartist · 24/12/2021 20:23

What makes him so bad? it’s hard to comment too much without context. If he’s a racist, abusive ass hat then I wouldn’t be being “nice” for anyone but if it’s just a personality clash or he’s awkward then I think there is no reason not to be civil/friendly as I’d be with any other acquaintance.

I think being annoyed that she replied on behalf of both of them and confirming they are both well seems petty but obviously it depends on the history.

cansu · 24/12/2021 20:24

it's really not difficult. Message saying 'hope you are both feeling brtter' Job done.

monsterflake · 24/12/2021 20:26

It does depend on why you hate him. My ex was abusive, in every way apart from anything physical. I have BPD and was so dependent on him I either refused or failed to see it. I now understand why my family hated him. I have promised myself I won't just pit blinkers on if I believe my children are experiencing the same thing in future (eldest only 10 so a few years yet I'm hoping!)

If he's just a bit odd or annoying, just keep telling yourself it's one day of grinning and bearing it. Some people feel awkward in social situations and can either come across as ignorant or, like me, talk too much and massively over share. Sometimes it can help to gently mention it to them if the behaviour is just too much to bear.

Original poster
Diditopknot · 24/12/2021 20:26

We suspect emotional abuse and has lighting.
He has also done some pretty awful things severely affecting other family members through very selfish and self serving behaviour.
Very very difficult to forgive and shove under the carpet.
My lovely niece is like my daughter, I was there at her birth and have helped to raise her.
She is a ray of sunshine, a happy, kind, lovely lovely person. Mid 20”s now. The thought of someone hurting her just rips out my heart.

He is wrong. He isn’t good to her but she loves him.

OP posts:
IncompleteSenten · 24/12/2021 20:27

Is he abusive?

Normally you just have to be civil regardless how you feel about him out of respect for her. But obviously if he is abusing her that's a different matter and much harder

Mintlegs · 24/12/2021 20:28

Why what has he done to them?

IncompleteSenten · 24/12/2021 20:29

X post.
Yes, that is hard.

TheYearOfSmallThings · 24/12/2021 20:30

Just grit your teeth and be polite. You don't have to like him, but you do have to be civil.

FAQs · 24/12/2021 20:34

It’s difficult but i would play the long game and tolerate him for now so you can be a place of safety or someone she can still open up to if she needs it.

FairyBrights · 24/12/2021 20:35

If your nieve is that important to you, you just suck it up and be civil instead of being passive aggressive and only asking how she is etc all that is going to do is isolate her from the family.

Mrsjayy · 24/12/2021 20:35

You just have to be civil and acknowledge him you don't have to like him but you seem he'll bent in excluding him, why didn't you just ask how he was ?

Original poster
Diditopknot · 24/12/2021 20:41

Long game is good advice.
Long game because we, her family will be here for her forever.
When he is gone because he will be gone one day, we will be here for her.
Thanks.

Very very bitter taste after his antics.
Polite and tolerant is the key. For her. Not him.

OP posts:
EveryFlightBeginsWithAFall · 24/12/2021 20:46

It is very very hard but yeah, it's playing the long game . She'll likely come round at some point and will appreciate the support you gave her by not adding any more stress to the situation

MargosKaftan · 24/12/2021 20:48

Yes, you need to play nice. Bare in mind there is a chance if hes abusive at all, that all messages will be read by him. All ones she sends could be vetted by him too (or read later, so she makes sure there's nothing that would upset him). Make her life easier and dont let him isolate her from her family.

Send a message now "so glad you are both on the mend." Be nice. Be polite. Be the better person. Be there when she realises.

FrippEnos · 24/12/2021 20:51

Diditopknot

Devils advocate here.

That you suspect something doesn't mean that it is.

He has also done some pretty awful things severely affecting other family members through very selfish and self serving behaviour.

This could be anything from not falling in line with family plans and saying no, to much worse.

At 20 it is possible that he may not be in her life for very long. But it is also possible that he could be the 'one' are you really prepared to lose her for the sake of being civil?

MargosKaftan · 24/12/2021 20:51

Oh strategies - count to 3 in your head before replying to him when rattled. Dont have too much to drink round him so you get "honest". Busy yourself when he's being an arse - the dishwasher needs unloading etc. Try to avoid any topics hes likely to have strong opinions on.

Mintlegs · 24/12/2021 23:59

You sound very over invested. Allegations of abuse are very serious and worrying, make sure you are sure if voicing this allegation to others. Not a nice thing to spread around if unfounded and the person is innocent. You never really know what goes on behind closed doors. Your niece might be not as innocent as you think. I would be there for her but be polite unless serious concerns

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