Just wanted to chat really.
My DM has deeply upset me. She lives abroad and is unvaccinated due to previous anaphylaxis. No amount of me reading up to understand things better and trying to talk to her and explain helped (she could get a vaccine, some do not have this specific ingredient that she reacted to in the past). She has point blank refused to even have a detailed conversation about it.
I have a 5mo baby, born after years of multiple miscarriages. She hasn't even met him yet. She didn't offer to come and visit at all. She asks a lot about him and sent lots of Christmas gifts for him, but my heart is broken his arrival was so meaningless to her that she's not interested in meeting him in person. She uses being unvaccinated as an argument for not coming to visit, but I can't help but think this is an excuse as this could be easily resolved with some willingness from her. It's not the first time she is so defensive when it comes to things that matter to me and not the first time she has failed to attend a significant event/be with me at a crucial moment of my life. Even though I'm mid-30s and perfectly capable of dealing with life, I still feel upset and deserted. We had an argument about this earlier this week and now we're not speaking.
To top this off, my in laws are shit and have been for many, many years. We're NC with them. It saddens me my LO will have no relationship with his grandparents, paternal through them being awful and it seems maternal either because they don't seem to care.
I have a strained relationship with my DF who was financially and verbally abusive all his life, he's a textbook definition of coercive control. So he's not around either.
My DH hasn't stepped up since our LO has arrived and I'm finding this very hard. Our relationship is now in a bad place. I have always been the head of the family, the planner, the organiser, I make more money than him and feel like I carry the burden of it all. I run the household. I organise and buy everything for the baby. I still juggle it all even though I'm on maternity leave after a very difficult pregnancy. DH needs to be managed, he has zero initiative and big tendencies to start things and leave them unfinished or do as little as possible. A lot of the time he only half listens to me. I feel disrespected, invisible and severely taken for granted. To the point I want to split up.
I'm blessed with lovely friends, my lovely cat and a job I enjoy (although it could pay more). And of course first and foremost, I have my lovely LO.
But I feel like the weight of the world is on my shoulders this Christmas. I should be the happiest ever, but with all these difficult relationships I feel life has crushed me and sucked out whatever happiness and sparkle I had left in me. I am waiting for my referral for therapy on the NHS, my anxiety is through the roof and I'm well aware I need to address it. I'm just upset that I've run myself to the ground , all my life I've been there for people and took responsibility for so much and yet they couldn't care less.
I'm not looking for answers to it all, some things are what they are and can't be fixed. Just wanted to share how I truly feel in case anyone else out there feels like this should be their happiest Christmas and yet they're deeply sad instead. Thank you for listening and Merry Christmas - as Merry as it can be 🎄