No sex for 12 months

[JohnSmithDrive]

Used as justification for an affair.

I was out with a group last night. One of the men is currently paying the mortgage on a house lived in my his exwife and son. As it was explained, her new partner is also living there, although that's not within the terms of the agreement. Son turned 18 recently and the house is supposed to be sold so they can each have their equity and no more mortgage payments, although ex appears to be in no hurry. Son is currently living with Dad anyway.

Obviously I've no idea what the truth of it all is and expect there's another side to the story, but on the face of it this man has been paying to keep his ex and her new partner, the group was outraged on his behalf.

Then it turned to why they split. He had an affair, he was very matter of fact about it. She stopped sleeping with him for 12 months it was almost, "what did she expect?"

Everyone else seemed to agree with that view too. Really, no sex for 12 months when there's a child and it's normal/expected that he'd go elsewhere?

Again I'm sure there's much more to it, he feels she was already with the new partner, but he was the one who got caught, it's the reaction of the group that puzzles me, that the affair was perfectly normal and to be expected in the circumstances.

Is it?

I'd expect a conversation about our relationship and the lack of sex.

If that didn't go the way either of us wanted, I'd expect a separation.

Lack of sex is not an excuse for an affair. There are no excuses for an affair.

Surely nobody needs to be 'outraged on his behalf' re: a random colleagues one sided story about his personal life. What a bizarre thing to disclose at all, let alone on a night out- what a barrel of laughs. Frankly he's embarrassed himself.

It isn't his colleagues business to take a side or gossip about it in the first place. He is pathetic for discussing his sex life with his ex wife to a group of people, and even more pathetic for having an affair and then going one step further announcing it on nights out. Nobody is entitled to sex, ever, nobody knows or needs to know why they weren't having it in the first place.

Maybe she stopped sleeping with him because he's so obviously a massive knob with a victim complex?

Anyway OP on a work night out I hardly think anyone would start disagreeing and calling him out for being a pathetic and deluded moron? They're probably all at home thinking he is one though.

I didn't say it was colleagues. This was a group of quite close friends, some going back a decade.

A sex less marriage needs to be consensual. His affair was probably less about the sex than the need for closeness. He's not right but he's also not wrong. Before you jump down my throat a sex less marriage because of pregnancy, IVF, ill health, exhaustion is totally different but still needs to be discussed. Sex less marriages are truly awful for the often neglected and disparaged partner whose needs are being ignored.

If he didn't want celibacy forced upon him he should have ended the marriage.

But really all the gory details in the OP are no-one else's business to graze over.

We went 20 months without sex, I'd just had second DC and we were (still are) exhausted. Started to make more of an effort. Glad we are.

DH would never have started an affair.

I would expect there is much more to it than simply sex and not make any judgements here. Nobody knows how the relationship was overall.

Yes of course there's much more to it. I was just musing whether it really is inevitable when there's no sex at home.

FWIW the subject came up because he was sharing his financial concerns with friends asking for advice and someone assumed it was exW who'd had the affair because she was living with new man so soon. He told us about his affair to set that record straight.

I think after 12 months it would have been reasonable to have a serious discussion about the future of the marriage. I don't think it's reasonable for one partner to unilaterally break their marriage vows by withdrawing sex long-term. He should have talked to his wife about it, and ended the marriage before finding someone new, but I don't blame him for ending a sexless marriage.

I don't think no sex for 12 months justifies an affair but I would definitely leave a relationship in those circumstances.

@girlmom21

I'd expect a conversation about our relationship and the lack of sex.

If that didn't go the way either of us wanted, I'd expect a separation.

Lack of sex is not an excuse for an affair. There are no excuses for an affair.

I’m in complete agreement.

In my opinion it isn't. But I am not really an expert in happy healthy long term relationships.