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Original poster

Does anyone else feel like this? (TW not a 100% happy thread)

25 replies

Pidgonn · 23/12/2021 10:44

I'll start by making it clear that I have no desire or intent to harm myself.

I just have no real desire to live.
I try to take life a day at a time. I try to be kind, to myself and others. I try not to sweat the small stuff. I try to be a good friend. I try to take pleasure in the small things. I try to practice gratitude.

I believe that nothing persists. Everything changes and perhaps one day I'll feel differently. But if someone told me that I'd be going to sleep tonight and never wake up, it would feel like a huge relief.

OP posts:
Justnotfeelingit · 23/12/2021 10:45

I think what you are describing is depression. Please go and see your GP, medication really can make a difference.

Harrriet · 23/12/2021 10:46

How long have you felt like that Pidgonn. Has something happened that you feel like this.

Original poster
Pidgonn · 23/12/2021 10:49

I think I have always felt like this @Harrriet

OP posts:
flashbac · 23/12/2021 10:52

You're not alone. I have always felt like this too. It's still there but I have managed to change my mindset somewhat. I live for my kids and try to find joy in the simple things in life.

Original poster
Pidgonn · 23/12/2021 10:54

Thank you @flashbac Flowers

OP posts:
Original poster
Pidgonn · 23/12/2021 10:55

It's still there but I have managed to change my mindset somewhat.

I think I used to agonise over it. Wondering, what was wrong with me and trying all sorts of things to become happier with life. I just accept it now. It's just there really.

OP posts:
Harrriet · 23/12/2021 10:57

I'm sorry to hear that, do you think you would benefit speaking to your Doctor. In our area there is a talking therapy that works on a 1-1 basis via a phone call. Do you think that would help

SnapCackleFlop · 23/12/2021 11:00

I understand what you mean, I think. If there was a magic tablet that just made you disappear forever but without all the pain to family left behind.

I agree with @flashbac about living for my children, that helps a lot.

Sorry you’re feeling like this, you’re definitely not alone 💚💐

Arethechildreninbedyet · 23/12/2021 11:01

I understand this completely and fully empathise with you OP, I have had similar phases of my life. Not appearing to be depressed or sad just… meh.

I went to counselling and it turns out I was ravagingly depressed and hadn’t even realised it.

I think there are a number of people who are born sad and being ‘happy’ and ‘fulfilled’ is a hugely laborious task. However working on yourself and prioritising yourself does make it better.

On an unrelated note do you feel like you may in some way be neuro diverse? I was diagnosed with ADHD in my early twenties and I found my sadness was partially due to my constant need to mask and put on a front to appear normal and that left me constantly exhausted and miserable.

However I do also understand what you mean about wanting to disappear. My mum once described me as the saddest person she’s ever met and that really stuck with me and gave me the drive to start counselling, I would really recommend it. I had a lot of unresolved childhood trauma that finally allowed me to begin to heal. Baby steps but I always tend to reflect on my progress at this time of year and I’ve come so far from the me ten years ago who drove to the petrol station on Christmas Day and bought a full 20 pack of Marlborough and chain smoked them as I sobbed.

Please don’t feel there’s anything wrong with you. There isn’t, so so many times people feel like this and it’s such a taboo subject it’s barely talked about. Everyone has felt like this at some point.

Something that always really helped me was on a brighter day I treated myself to some new pens and a pad (a real pleasure for me) and I wrote a load of notes about activities or plans that made me so happy, stupid things - slow cooked spaghetti bolognese and garlic dough balls for tea or a sims expansion pack, a new shampoo, conditioner and making a big effort with my hair one night - and every time I felt sad and ugly and worthless I would go into the jar and take a little bit of me and make a proper effort to put some effort into myself.

Consistently doing something that made me feel good no matter how small set up the foundations of giving me a more positive outlook.

My DM’s are open if you ever want to talk x

KloppKrazy · 23/12/2021 11:02

I think it's part of the human condition.
I agree with taking pleasure in the beauty there is in the world. And trying to create some beauty in whatever small way possible.

Arethechildreninbedyet · 23/12/2021 11:03

You also cannot pour from an empty cup, investing in yourself is never a waste and never something to be overlooked.

Littleelffriend · 23/12/2021 11:06

I feel like this. Coronavirus has changed life so much that I get no pleasure anymore. I wouldn’t harm myself as I have 2 young children, but sometimes I wish I could have an accident that would kill me.

Borland · 23/12/2021 11:06

@Pidgonn

I think I have always felt like this *@Harrriet*
Have you ever looked into Borderline Personality Disorder- a friend was diagnosed with that a few years ago and he said it finally explained the feelings of emptiness he’d had his whole life. Just a thought, I am not a psychiatrist so could be completely off the mark.
Original poster
Pidgonn · 23/12/2021 11:06

I found that such a helpful post @Arethechildreninbedyet. Thank you. I need to let your words sink in.

OP posts:
Original poster
Pidgonn · 23/12/2021 11:09

I think it's part of the human condition. I agree with taking pleasure in the beauty there is in the world. And trying to create some beauty in whatever small way possible.

Yes, that sums up quite how I feel. It's just this morning, the thought of another 40 years of this...

@Borland I think I have a stronger than usual Borderline Adaptation, but not to the point of Disordered.

OP posts:
nodogz · 23/12/2021 11:10

I have felt like this, yes. Exactly this.

It was the result of a few years of unrelenting difficult circumstances.

Did (doing) a course of therapy to try and sort my brain out. Nothing wrong with the way I reacted to difficult circumstances but I needed to seek new strategies to manage life. It was really useful to see how I short-circuited my thoughts back to a dark/unhelpful place no matter how kind/thoughtful/thankful/accepting I thought I was being.

Tried antidepressants and know they work for others as scaffolding whilst you take the time to get better but didn't work for me as allergic so had to focus more on good diet, fresh air, sleep, exercise, doing fun things. Doing fun things, not what I should be doing, was the biggest change here.

Feel different now and I'm practicing building resilience and compassion for myself.

I thought I was past hope, but it got better. Talk to your GP. Talk to your partner and your friends. Invest in yourself. Things can change.

madmomma · 23/12/2021 11:13

@Arethechildreninbedyet

I understand this completely and fully empathise with you OP, I have had similar phases of my life. Not appearing to be depressed or sad just… meh.

I went to counselling and it turns out I was ravagingly depressed and hadn’t even realised it.

I think there are a number of people who are born sad and being ‘happy’ and ‘fulfilled’ is a hugely laborious task. However working on yourself and prioritising yourself does make it better.

On an unrelated note do you feel like you may in some way be neuro diverse? I was diagnosed with ADHD in my early twenties and I found my sadness was partially due to my constant need to mask and put on a front to appear normal and that left me constantly exhausted and miserable.

However I do also understand what you mean about wanting to disappear. My mum once described me as the saddest person she’s ever met and that really stuck with me and gave me the drive to start counselling, I would really recommend it. I had a lot of unresolved childhood trauma that finally allowed me to begin to heal. Baby steps but I always tend to reflect on my progress at this time of year and I’ve come so far from the me ten years ago who drove to the petrol station on Christmas Day and bought a full 20 pack of Marlborough and chain smoked them as I sobbed.

Please don’t feel there’s anything wrong with you. There isn’t, so so many times people feel like this and it’s such a taboo subject it’s barely talked about. Everyone has felt like this at some point.

Something that always really helped me was on a brighter day I treated myself to some new pens and a pad (a real pleasure for me) and I wrote a load of notes about activities or plans that made me so happy, stupid things - slow cooked spaghetti bolognese and garlic dough balls for tea or a sims expansion pack, a new shampoo, conditioner and making a big effort with my hair one night - and every time I felt sad and ugly and worthless I would go into the jar and take a little bit of me and make a proper effort to put some effort into myself.

Consistently doing something that made me feel good no matter how small set up the foundations of giving me a more positive outlook.

My DM’s are open if you ever want to talk x

I want to be your friend, you sound amazing.
flashbac · 23/12/2021 11:33

OP do you find the feeling is worse at certain times? Winter is definitely worse for me.
I hope you are able to find joy in a small and simple thing today. Sending good vibes Flowers

Original poster
Pidgonn · 23/12/2021 11:45

Thank you everyone for your words. So many have been comforting and wise. It helps to know I’m not completely alone*.

Joy - it would be great to hear about your successes in finding joy.

*(Perhaps that’s an indication that this was triggered by a sense of overwhelming loneliness this morning? That would fit in with someone’s pick up about borderline processes).

OP posts:
wanderlove · 23/12/2021 12:00

I read a post on here recently when the poster described feeling a lot like this and also wondering what is it all about. Lots of people saying it sounded like depression which shocked me as I feel like this a lot and have always since childhood. Just to say you are not alone.

Joy2TheWorld · 23/12/2021 12:35

Yes, me too. I feel so empty and lost and sad. I have good friends and people around me but no family apart from my Gran. I am so scared about what the future holds and I don't want to be left alone. I want to go before my gran, because I have lost my mom and my dad and I just cannot fathom being without my gran as well. As I say, I have nice people around me but at this moment, as awful as it sounds, it just isn't filling the void that I feel. I don't know what to do. I don't even want to talk to people and my house is a mess. I started therapy last month, but just don't know and can't see it helping. Sorry to bang on, just wanted u to know, I are not alone in how u are feeling.

madmomma · 23/12/2021 13:00

pidgon you're definitely not alone. I've felt like this when younger. Am in house chaos at the mo, but coming back asap to be a fellow chronic existential crisis-haver! 💓

madmomma · 23/12/2021 22:28

'Born sad' is exactly it. That's me. My parents assured me that I cried miserably most of the time, for no discernable reason, and I remember lots of blackness from being very young indeed. I remember having existential anxiety in bed at night as a matter of course from being 3. Horrible nightmares, never satisfied, always moaning. What a joy! 😂 My first child was born smiling and is still naturally happy as an adult. I've often thought how lucky she is, and me too as her mum. Certainly I've had episodes of clinical depression, and they've played a part in the misery, but beyond those, I think I am just fundamentally sad/miserable. I think now I'm in my forties I can accept it better. I'm just one of life's eyores perhaps 🤷🏼‍♀️

SpringIsSprung1 · 23/12/2021 22:48

Born sad... that resonates with me too. Hand holding with all of you who feel this way. It's dreadful and like no matter what you do, that feeling will always be with you.

madmomma · 23/12/2021 22:55

So many excellent medications to help nowadays though, and I've found great comfort through prayer too. I think one has to learn ways to 'live around' the sadness, much like a nameless grief.

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