How to ask your ex to pay maintenance?

[Baeavers]

Me and my ex split 6 years ago, things are very amicable however I am somewhat of a doormat. About 3 years ago my ex stopped paying any maintenance as he said he was in financial difficulty. He made a one off £100 payment in October 2019 towards school uniform and that’s the last money I have had as I felt like I was beginning so stopped asking. I have primary care of my son as his dad works away a lot so I have to be very flexible but as standard the agreement is I have him all week and his dad has 2 out of 3 weekends. (My preference would be every other weekend but I accommodate). recently my son (9yrs old) has stopped wanting to go to his dads but he is afraid to tell his dad this and upset him. Should I say something and risk causing an upset when I’ve worked so hard to keep the peace for so long and should I ask for him to contribute? I have a good job as I had to become a full time working mum when he stopped contributing and the money is not a necessity for me now, in fact I would probably put it straight into my child’s savings account but is it right he doesn’t contribute because of his overspending? And if so how do you approach the subject without him getting angry (he has quite a temper)

I would go through the CMS and get it deducted from his wages.

If you’re on reasonable terms, it is worth approaching him to say you will be expecting him to start paying maintenance.

Back this up in writing, so you can set it out clearly. Do you know how much he earns? Do you have a figure in mind? Do your homework first and be assertive - don’t ‘ask’ him as he will simply fob you off with excuses. You need to present it as something that is GOING to happen - up till now, you’ve helped him out but he owes you and your child the money and this is how things will be going from now on. If he refuses, explain you’ll go through CMS or write a solicitor letter to get it started (doesn’t mean you have to go legal but sets out your intent). Good luck.

Your son no longer wants to go to his dad's but doesn't want to tell him and you're concerned about telling him and risking causing an upset. I mean this nicely OP, but this is more important than the maintenance issue. You need to advocate for your son here - not worry about keeping the peace. What strikes me most from your post is the fear of upsetting your ex. Don't let your innate niceness mean you're inadvertently centering your ex's feelings rather than your son's.

And if your son not wanting to see his dad is in anyway connected to him 'having quite a temper' then you absolutely have to support your son in this.

Thank you for this, he earned around £30k when we were together 6 years ago but he’s self employed and I don’t know for sure but I’m pretty certain he won’t be declaring his true income to HMRC 🙄
I don’t really have a figure in mind yet as I would appreciate any contribution so thought about asking him to say what he could afford but that doesn’t make me very assertive does it. Years ago I even suggested as little as £10pw which he never kept to and I didn’t want or need to beg him for money as it makes me feel awkward. My main priority has always been to keep things amicable for my sons sake I would never want him to be aware of any animosity between us.

Thank you I absolutely needed to hear that

CMS maintenace calculator

The maintenance is what you are due to raise your son.
It's difficult if you don't want to upset your ex but your son's needs trump what your ex wants.

Just go through cms. Apart from your son not actually wanting to see him, why does he have custody most weekends while not paying anything !? While you do all the week day school stuff!

He isnt going to pay and so even though he is self employed i would still go through cms. And maybe then report if he continued ti piss me off.

My Dd's "father" never paid child support, moved out then had other dc, didnt feel he had to pay as he had his other DC to pay for, couldn't possibly afford to pay for our DD 🙄
I let it slide for years, 13 yrs to be exact.
He didn't see DD, probably saw her 5 times in the 13 years.
I put a claim in and received 2 payments directly from his wages so then he quit his job.
My life was less stressful when I let the money side of it slide, I didn't expect any support and I put it to bed in my head. I didn't let it bother me, I didn't have to have contact with him and I stopped letting it get to me. My mental health improved greatly. I worked and could support DD any extra from him would have been a bonus.
Concentrate on the fact that your DC doesn't want to see him, sort that out, personally I would just say, when the next visit is due "sorry, DC doesn't want to come" stick an excuse in there if need be, he'll probably threaten court action, let him.
My DD has no contact with her df, she's an adult now with her own home, getting married and I'm walking her down the aisle.
He's desperate to reconnect & has been for years as he's older and in bad health, tough luck mate!
BTW I was receiving letters from cms until recently asking if I wanted them to chase him for the arrears 😂

Honestly if he is self employed I really wouldn't bother.

Sort the contact issue out, that is more important. You've managed 3 years without this money.

I wish they would make it illegal not to pay child support like it is in America. DSS M hasn't paid a penny since he was 7 and she's worked constantly since then. XH didn't pay a penny throughout the pandemic which I was fine with because he couldn't work but he's made up for it work wise since and yet still hasn't made up the missing payments and I doubt I will ever see the money.
Baffles me that it's optional paying for the upkeep of your children but if you don't contribute towards your DC life then I assume you are a total cunt.