Friend said something hurtful about miscarriage

[faithfulbird20]

I had a miscarriage at 6 weeks. My friend had hers almost 2 years later (now). She kept ringing me crying etc and I was very supportive. Now that she's been to hospital and she's had all the treatment and there's no traces of baby. She said people who have miscarriages early on it doesn't really matter but my baby was fully formed like you could see a real baby at 11 weeks. What a bitch. All I wanted to do was cry. I've been so supportive. I listened for a bit and then told her I had some important work and would talk later. What a horrible woman btw. Am I right to not want to talk to her again after sometime?

You are definitely ok to stay well away from her. And if she asks, please tell her why.

Let her know how unacceptable that is.

I'm so sorry she's been very insensitive. She's not thinking straight and it's her grief talking. You are perfectly reasonable to distance yourself for a. bit.

I'm sorry for your loss .

Could it be that your friend isn't really thinking straight in her time of loss? If she doesn't usually make thoughtless comments it might be that.

Was she supportive when you lost your baby two years ago?

I think that's a mean and thoughtless comment to make. A true friend wouldn't say it. I would keep away for now.

That must have been really hurtful OP. You’ve had different experiences but one is absolutely not worse or less important than the other. It sounds like you’ve been really supportive and she is in the middle of some very difficult feelings and maybe lacks empathy for what you went through. Absolutely worth keeping your distance for a while to protect both of your feelings.

I'm not sure what kind of friend she is.

My daughters been sick off school for a week and 2 days. She said ohh my sons been so well with his attendance etc in the same miscarriage conversation. Why make me feel bad.

I'm sorry for your loss op

Do we have the same friend?! 👀
I stepped away from her for my own mental health.
Everyone's experiences are different, it's not a competition.
Protect yourself.

@ArblemarzipanTFruitcake I was the supportive one. I felt like I had to tell her I had a miscarriage before conceiving my next child because I knew she was jealous. She said something like ohh I have my SON so I'm alright I don't need anymore kids. Making it out at the time having sons was better than daughters (she has that weird mentality about sons looking after their parents). I'm trying to get pregnant too...I prayed she would get pregnant before me so as to not her make feel bad...she got pregnant...I didn't...but I've not said anything to her about it...shall I just ignore her calls from now on? What excuse would you give? I feel like she uses me...

She said something like mines was an actual birth with contractions it was like going into labour. Think she things her experience was more because she had to go the hospital route taking pills whereas mine...I bled in the car...and it happened all by itself...

@EmmaGrundyForPM

I'm so sorry she's been very insensitive. She's not thinking straight and it's her grief talking. You are perfectly reasonable to distance yourself for a. bit.

Yes this.

I’d just send her a note wishing her a happy Christmas and saying you’ll look forward to catching up in the NY when all the hectic ness has passed. If you get messages in the interim, just ignore in the moment, and send the occasional hope you managing ok/look forward to seeing you in jan.

Then when you meet for coffee in the NY tell her that while you realise she didn’t mean it, she’s been hurtful, it’s not a completion etc

I’m assuming her she’s a good friend and you’d like to retrieve the relationship if possible

Not a competition I mean..

She's gone through traumatic experience and isn't thinking beyond that.

I'm going to be honest here and say I experienced early miscarriage twice and I would rather it had been that way than further down the line. It doesn't make the loss easier but I'm glad I didn't have to undergo medical procedures.

I agree with you @Doyoumind. I had a miscarriage at 6 weeks and have felt relieved that it wasn’t any later. I’m sure it gets more difficult as time goes on.
Obviously OP this is no reason for your friend to try and invalidate your feelings. She shouldn’t have made any comparisons at all.

Well she's being awful to you and I don't think there is any excuse for it.

I've had a late stillbirth, which whilst obviously definitely is a different scenario, has never lead me to belittle anyone else's much earlier losses. It isn't a competition!

The fact is that at 6 weeks and 11 was weeks... It isn't a 'real' baby (your "friends words not mine - in my eyes it's a potential real human life ) so she is being very silly and very very unkind.

A baby is no more viable at 11 weeks than at 6. But what it is, is the hope of a pregnancy and the child that would have been born and that's why the weeks don't matter and why she is being such an insensitive idiot. Neither of you have lost a viable pregnancy at that stage but you've lost what could have been and that is really difficult to deal with whatever number of weeks.

I'm sorry for your loss a couple of years ago and I'm sorry you're being made to feel like this by your "friend'. I would keep away from her for a bit and decide in a while when you're not so angry if you want to stay friends or not. And if you don't that's justified. I won't go into my loss but I had some very specific and very ridiculous comments and I haven't spoken to those people again, and I don't ever intend to!