Tips on how to handle a very sanctimonious family member?

[BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz]

New to the family (via a marriage), and it's just occurred to me that the word I would describe them as is sanctimonious.

They've always been quite intense to talk to, and often times though they ask after people/ enquire into your wellbeing, they use any responses to delve into deeper chats about themselves or "heavy" issues.

Fine once in a while but quite wearing when you spend downtime together and just want to chat and laugh.

They dont respond well to any sort of "banter" or joking, everything is always taken so seriously, often the responses to people having a lighthearted joke are heavy and mood altering within the group.

Any tips? We wont spend copious amounts of time together, but on the occasions we will, it will be quite intensive.

How do you handle people like this?

I think it depends on what people's plans mood, I can be like this, my friend who has amazing sense of humour can also be liked this.
But I think it's also being aware of being social... And light hearted.
Some people literally arnt capable of it, I'm thinking of two sils.
Neither could be light hearted so I just avoid now.

I've never ever had a conversation with them that was light or relaxed.

Their physical body language is also intense - they turn and stare directly into your eyes for the duration of the speech, adopt a deep and thoughtful expression and then try and link what I've said to something heavy. Fgs I was only asking if you'd watched the recent Bond movie!

They probably find light chat and banter equally grating. Nothing needs fixing you just don’t enjoy the same things.

Get very drunk.

Get very drunk. agree, nothing else you can do. Get pissed and be intense back at them.

@5zeds

They probably find light chat and banter equally grating. Nothing needs fixing you just don’t enjoy the same things.

Probably.

And I'm not against heavy conversations at all. I love a bit of debate, find it interesting to hear peoples thoughts on heavier topics etc.

But its relentless

And they use 312 words when probably 25 would do.

Some people find chat and laugh and banter and joking wearing too.

Be polite. Don’t get sucked in deeper than you want to. Don’t assume your way of talking to people is better than theirs.

Doesn’t sound like sanctimonious is the right word?

Is this person judgemental, patronising, on their high horse?

Or just a different type of person to you?

Doesn’t sound like sanctimonious is the right word?

Maybe they are other things in addition to sanctimonious. Their responses to questions/situations are worded to make them appear so good and kind but dont feel genuine or natural.

Have a list of subjects the person knows about - e.g. work related or where they holiday or have stayed or spent childhood and ask them about that. You might learn something and at least it's not as painful as trying to make general light conversation. It sounds as if the person does not want to open up about themselves so probably safest to direct towards conversations about places and general knowledge.

They sound quite boring and uptight. I find it really difficult to get out of convos with these kind of people. There's nothing wrong about the way they are, just not my type. It's difficult not to be rude when trying to change the subject as well. Just steer clear if you can.

Yes, deffo uptight.

Like (eg) someone in the group saying "man, I was so tired this afternoon I had my fingers crossed my lateral flow would come back positive so I could skive off this evening" their response would be "you shouldn't joke about it, Covid has killed so many millions of people"

We’ve got one of these. Use DC if applicable/ anything as an excuse to escape at the first chance

Tell them you're a stripper.

Avoid. Some of my ILs can be very dry and tedious and they're teatotal so the alcohol strategy is a no-go.
There are some relatives I've learned the hard way not to sit near for a 3 hour dinner washed down with fucking water. I've ended up pulling out the kids' colouring to do before now because I just can't hold conversation about heat pumps for a sustained period (long before heat pumps were trendy!)

I had the opposite problem with my ex’s family. Their only method of communication was constant piss-taking ‘banter’, often mocking one another over some trivial drunken ‘incident’ which happened many years previously. It was banal, superficial, repetitive and very tiresome. I do have a sense of humour and I enjoy a joke, but these people were incapable of having a sensible adult conversation about anything, ever. Thank goodness they never became my in-laws.

We take turns sitting next to certain people and arrange for handovers. When handing over we apprise the next person what topics have been covered. We get giggly about this and bribes/favours feature in the timetabling.

@BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz

New to the family (via a marriage), and it's just occurred to me that the word I would describe them as is sanctimonious.

They've always been quite intense to talk to, and often times though they ask after people/ enquire into your wellbeing, they use any responses to delve into deeper chats about themselves or "heavy" issues.

Fine once in a while but quite wearing when you spend downtime together and just want to chat and laugh.

They dont respond well to any sort of "banter" or joking, everything is always taken so seriously, often the responses to people having a lighthearted joke are heavy and mood altering within the group.

Any tips? We wont spend copious amounts of time together, but on the occasions we will, it will be quite intensive.

How do you handle people like this?

Easy.. get drunk.

I have a colleague like this; they thrive on the drama or conflict they can analyse or probe deeper ( with 312 words). And light hearted joking is seen as flippant and meets with disapproval.

I often try to give them 'not much' of myself to work with. I don't want to be their drama and to be talked about. Unless it IS something I'd be happy for them to analyse. I try to get them talking about themselves as quick as possible. And if the subject does come to you "oh wow nothing as complex/ difficult etc as that is happening for me"

I've learned specific light-hearted things to avoid with them (following their feedback). I use a gentler tone of voice around them.

They actually LOVE conflict (They have told me so) and I do not! So I cowardly try my utmost not to get in position of conflict with them, even if they're in the wrong over something. I think about the phrase, never wrestle with a pig, you get covered in mud and the pig enjoys it.

Conversely, they ARE the person I go to when there IS something complex going on (not directly with them) because their analysis on unravelling it IS actually excellent. It's just, I don't want to be in that spotlight.

So, get them to talk deeply about themselves, be cheerful but in a gentle fashion, and use their intensity if there is a topic where it will be useful to you. And avoid conflict with them! (if you're like me)

There isn't anything to handle , really. And it isn't one family member - it appears to be all of them ! So no I wouldn't be asking how to handle them, since they are all like that and the only problem is that you are different from them. Nobody is right or wrong. You're only going to see them for a while , so put up with it and be glad when you're away from them. ( PS I'd probably be described as being like them too - I hate "banter" and avoid people who use it as a substitute for real conversation, so there you go !)

Don't go

Start as you mean to go on: do your own Christmas Traditions in your own home

@BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz

Yes, deffo uptight.

Like (eg) someone in the group saying "man, I was so tired this afternoon I had my fingers crossed my lateral flow would come back positive so I could skive off this evening" their response would be "you shouldn't joke about it, Covid has killed so many millions of people"

You could try not making shit jokes about Covid?

Not everybody has a dark sense of humour - I learned that one the hard way. I'm sure assorted BBC comedians are slaving over a Covid routine already, but at present, I think the phrase is 'Too soon'.

My mum's boyfriend is like this
He also always talks as if he's having a business meeting with you. Ironically, out of the two of us it's me who works in a corporate job!

I don't really have any useful advice myself, so I'm interested to hear what others suggest!

Feign a headache, pop off to the loo / kitchen a lot