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Original poster

How do I get her to come?

30 replies

Christmasjeer · 21/12/2021 22:53

I need some help on how I can get my Daughter to come for Christmas. She struggles with her mental health and takes medication. When she takes the medication she's great and it works well but when she's not taking it she goes downhill fast. Her behaviour completely changes and has really traumatised my teenager when he's seen it.

I spoke to her a few weeks ago and she said she hadn't been taking her medication and wasn't feeling great. I said she needed to start taking it now or she can't come for Christmas because I can't put my teenager through that again. He was really affected last time and he suffers from anxiety already.
She hasn't spoken to me since and has blocked me. I've spoken to a friend of hers who says she doesn't want to come for Christmas and ruin it for us but that she's started taking her medication.

I really want her here and if she's taking her medication again the chances are she will be fine but she won't speak to me. At the same time if she's not fine then it will affect my teenager again. I can't stand the thought of Christmas without her. I can't go to her, she's staying with a friend for a while.

OP posts:
Original poster
Christmasjeer · 22/12/2021 07:08

Just bumping because I probably posted at the wrong time for replies.

OP posts:
WisestIsShe · 22/12/2021 07:12

That sounds really difficult. I'm in a similar position, elder DC with MH difficulties makes it a nightmare of the rest of us. Don't want them to be alone but don't want them to ruin it for everyone else.

I don't really have any useful advice, just wanted to let you know you're not alone.

Sirzy · 22/12/2021 07:17

It’s a hard one, I can see why she isn’t keen to come after your comments to her as understandable as they may have been.

I think you need to look at the bigger picture not just focus on Christmas Day but focus on the bigger relationship building which is needed

Original poster
Christmasjeer · 22/12/2021 07:23

Thank you. If she was in the right frame of mind she would understand. I can only speak to her through a friend she's blocked me on everything. She's never done this before.

OP posts:
faithfulbird20 · 22/12/2021 07:57

She probably felt offended that you didn't care as much as u do ur other child. It sounded like u can come but only if u take ur pills which it was. But I wouldn't like family telling me that. I'd want to be allowed to come regardless of me taking pills or not. Also the fact pills were mentioned insinuating mental instability. I.e it's a reminder that there's something wrong with her. Hence the overreaction and blocking u. How about tell her friend ur sorry and to pass the message on and that Christmas wouldn't be the same without her so please come if u want.

Original poster
Christmasjeer · 22/12/2021 08:32

I have said that to her friend. I just panicked when she said she hadn't been taking them. Last time was horrendous. My teenager has anxiety which isn't too bad at the moment I was worried if there was another incident like last time it would send him spiraling again. He's attempted suicide twice so I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. Which one do I prioritise?

OP posts:
R0tational · 22/12/2021 08:39

Awful. Send her a sincere message via a friend about HER and how you Love her unconditionally and desperately want her home. Leave it there.
If you so wish you can apologise for making her feel bad. Tbh it sounds like you will blame her for any MH crisis your son has so I can see why she wants to stay away. I think you are making her feel bad without meaning to.

I am not meaning to be unkind to you or saying you havent handled it right - sounds iincredibly hard - but just offering an outsiders perspective.

I also want to ask what sort of behaviour she displays if she is off meds without meaning to pry.

Also good news is she is on meds.

Sorry OP.

Just send a loving text and leave it there.

Original poster
Christmasjeer · 22/12/2021 08:56

Thanks. That's why I posted to get an outside perspective. She gets really paranoid about things. Last time she ran off with a hammer in the middle of the night while we were sleeping. My son had been trying for hours to calm her down. He woke us up and we went to find her and brought her back.

OP posts:
TheOccupier · 22/12/2021 09:20

@Christmasjeer

I have said that to her friend. I just panicked when she said she hadn't been taking them. Last time was horrendous. My teenager has anxiety which isn't too bad at the moment I was worried if there was another incident like last time it would send him spiraling again. He's attempted suicide twice so I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. Which one do I prioritise?
Obviously you prioritise the younger one who lives with you, and don't encourage someone who scares him to come for Christmas! WTF!
SeasonFinale · 22/12/2021 09:26

The reason she has blocked you is precisely because you have shown her which child is your priority.

ilovebagpuss · 22/12/2021 09:40

It’s very hard because yes you do have to protect your younger child over your adult child in some respects. Yes it probably hurt her feelings but she also needs to be told about the consequences of her being off medication.
Maybe word a message along those lines that everyone was so worried about her when she was unwell because they love her so much and want to have her company. You’re sorry you worded it badly as you were so worried it came across abrupt.
I know it’s all part of the illness but a young adult does know they need their medication i don’t think you are being unreasonable to tell her even if it has offended.
Invite them both to come say even if they come for lunch and want to head off after it will make your Christmas.

CharSiu · 22/12/2021 11:01

She has a care plan I assume? Any idea why she has MH issues they sound quite severe given your update.

Original poster
Christmasjeer · 22/12/2021 11:07

I don't think she has a care plan. Mental health services are woeful, just give you medication and that is all. Thankfully with a lot of trial and error this medicine works really well when she takes it.

OP posts:
Canigooutyet · 22/12/2021 11:12

Using my mh against me, which is hereditary, is one of the reasons why I don't talk to my family.
It's also why my children don't have a relationship with extended family for still using this and making me out to be a monster. That I spoil everything and everyone.
Meds help yes, but they aren't a quick fix and relapses can and do still happen.

Original poster
Christmasjeer · 22/12/2021 11:18

So what should I do then to make it better?

OP posts:
alienbaby · 22/12/2021 11:23

@Canigooutyet
"Using my mh against me, which is hereditary, is one of the reasons why I don't talk to my family.
It's also why my children don't have a relationship with extended family for still using this and making me out to be a monster."

Other people in your life are allowed to look out for their own mental health too. Why would you cut your kids off from their extended family just because of issues you have with them?

OP I think you did the right thing

EmmasMum12 · 22/12/2021 11:25

If you knew that saying what you said would affect her when unmedicated and you knew she was unmedicated when you said it... why say it?

So strange

Somehow you need to get across to her how much you love her and how you want her at home at Christmas without telling her not to come home if she's unmedicated

Then if she comes home without her medication you make sure her sibling isn't left dealing with her MH. You take charge.

Original poster
Christmasjeer · 22/12/2021 11:29

I said it because I panicked and didn't know what to do. I thought she would just start taking them and come.

OP posts:
yeahitlookslike · 22/12/2021 11:58

I really feel for you OP Thanks

I've lived with someone with bad mh issues and have quite a few of my own.

It's awful but yes, bad behaviour has an impact on other people.

I think I'm glad you stuck up for your younger child.

Apologise for how you said it but not for having boundaries.

TimeIhadaSeasonalNameChange · 22/12/2021 12:33

I thinkyou did a very brave thing. You said that, despite knowing you'd be in the line of fire. Imo you acted as a parent should, sacrificing your happiness to enable your son's.

I've spent 20+ years in the opposite siituation. My sister thinks she's entitled to be #1 in the family, and our mum has preferred to keep her happy than suffer a fall-out, no matter what the consequences are to me. Time and again she's refused to accept I'm hurting and now can't understand why our relationship is almost non-existant.

If she'd stood up to my sister once or twice over the years, or allowed me to, we wouldn't be in this situation. But she expects me to be happy to be hurt repeatedly, and I just can't take it at more.

Justkeepon · 22/12/2021 12:51

@faithfulbird20

She probably felt offended that you didn't care as much as u do ur other child. It sounded like u can come but only if u take ur pills which it was. But I wouldn't like family telling me that. I'd want to be allowed to come regardless of me taking pills or not. Also the fact pills were mentioned insinuating mental instability. I.e it's a reminder that there's something wrong with her. Hence the overreaction and blocking u. How about tell her friend ur sorry and to pass the message on and that Christmas wouldn't be the same without her so please come if u want.
I'm sorry but your entire post is bullshit. OP you did the right thing in protecting your youngest child - especially with his mental health being affected. Hes a child and you are his parent. Your adult daughter should be taking her medication especially knowing the results when she doesn't. She's an adult and should understand its not fair on her younger sibling. I understand she is not well but not taking medication is a choice and one that will have consequences unfortunately and no child should have to witness anything that causes them anxiety and stress.

Going forward I would, when or if she unblocks you, explain how her mental health is important to you and you want her to take her medication to keep her safe and help her have a good life but also explain to her how her actions have an affect on you and her younger sibling.

Canigooutyet · 22/12/2021 13:50

@alienbaby my dcs cut extended family out through their own choice. Got fed up of things been said about me constantly. Things done to me to mess with me and laughing about it. Blaming me for things that went wrong when I was wound up knowing it would set me off. Laughing about excluding me and more. It's taken them years to let me know why they went nc and how it messed them up mentally as they didn't want to come across as I'm to blame for things that I cannot always control.

All you can do op is let her know she is loved and wanted. It would be lovely to see her over Christmas even if just for a short time. That you all miss her and acknowledge that you don't blame her you just get frustrated at the situation. You understand that she comes off the meds because she feels better and doesn't think she needs to be on them.

I understand that your youngest has anxiety about her. But how would it impact him knowing that essentially she isn't invited to protect him?

It's hard when issues are because of mh.

Original poster
Christmasjeer · 22/12/2021 18:58

Thanks everyone. I have asked her friend to send her a message for me earlier but still no response.

OP posts:
Luredbyapomegranate · 22/12/2021 19:34

Well she obviously did feel rejected, because she is unwell she isn’t going to see that you need to protect your younger child. But that’s the way it is rather than your fault.

Is she a long way a way, or can you drive round with a present to explain that you love her and want her home. If it’s too far to go, then send non-naggy daily checkins via friend, post a card, and send a gift. It may well be she’s OK with spending Christmas with a friend, just keep letting her know she is loved.

In the longer term can you speak to her GP or SS to try and get her more support? It’s very important she takes her meds (and it’s great that you got through to her on that) but it sounds like she needs support not to fall into a destructive spiral. From your description of what happened last time with your son, she would appear to be quite ill, so I’d press hard for this.

It’s a tough situation OP, and not your fault.

Alonelonelylonersbadidea · 22/12/2021 20:18

You did the right thing @Christmasjeer .

You must prioritise your son as he is the one who is younger and is living in your home. It is his safe space.

You are allowed to look after your mental health too. She is responsible for hers. And clearly not very responsible.
I speak as someone who has both suffered from mental ill health and has a son who suffers. I have seen the damage that seeing bad mental health can do to your family. Your children.

She has to deal with her health. It is not YOUR job. I know it's hard though and I daily am making calls and trying to do things for my son which actually he should do himself. It's demoralising and exhausting.
I am so sorry.