Do I tell her that she's the problem?

[StillWalking]

I have a friend "Lucy" who has ditched a boring, but well paid, office job and re-trained to become an "alternative" therapist. It would be very outing to say what, but think Reiki, Bowen therapy type thing. Let's call it Xtherapy.

Having worked hard to study the subject and pass all the necessary exams to gain her practitioner qualification, she set out to offer therapy sessions by spreading the word through her FB friends group and other social media channels, hoping to pick up work and gain recommendations from clients to their friends, thus building up a regular clientele. For reference, I have a family member who is also an XTherapist in another city. She regularly carries out 20-25 appointments per week and makes a comfortable living, from repeat appointments with established clients, and recommendations from them leading to new clients over time. I think that Lucy hoped to be in the same position.

However, I saw her the other day and she was complaining that her work seems to have dried up. She isn't getting the repeat business she was hoping for nor getting the onwards recommendations from people she has worked with, and can't understand why.

I have another friend (Jane) who has used Lucy's services recently and I asked her about the experience. She said she wouldn't use Lucy again because, whilst it is clear she knows her stuff with regards to the therapy itself, her personal manner is abrupt, impersonal and lacking in empathy and, for this reason Jane didn't enjoy the experience at all. I know that Lucy can be very outspoken and even quite aggressive in expressing her opinions at times, but I don't have a client/therapist type relationship with her (I know her through a shared hobby). But it seems she's not getting the work she had hoped for because of her manner and apparent lack in interpersonal skills, not because of her therapy skills and knowledge.

Lucy has now asked me to help her by asking a couple of mutual friends for any feedback on her services, to see if there is anything she can do to improve things and thus (she hopes) start to get her new career choice back on track. I'd be happy to help, because I know she has worked very hard to gain her qualifications, but feel I'm in a difficult position now that Jane has given me her views - and I suspect that is a common experience with other people too. How on earth do I begin to tell her that it seems the problem lies with herself, and her manner and lack of interpersonal skills, and not with her skills and knowledge as a practitioner. Any advice appreciated. Thank you for reading.

Just be honest. She asked for feedback and that is it.

Yep, just tell her.

If you want to help all you can do is be honest in as diplomatic way as possible. You're not doing her favours hiding it and if she can't take it then she shouldn't have asked for the feedback. Alternatively you can recommend she set up a survey monkey account and ask for anonymous feedback from previous customers so she can get the feedback directly xx

Well I suppose she has asked for feedback, so she clearly wants to know and fix things. But if she doesn't take criticism well it could easily blow up in your face.
Could you write an anonymous letter which could have come from any client (since she is drawing from a pool of acquaintances) and say you wanted to help so giving the feedback hoping to be constructive, wish her well in new venture etc but didn't want it to be personal so keeping it anonymous?
I'm sure many would advise stay well out of it, but she wants to know and she can't succeed if she doesn't.

Or, better might be, you could say you feel it would be awkward to survey people on her behalf so suggest she do a survey monkey to her clients which is anonymous and recommend she includes questions on the ambience, customer service and patient experience as well as benefits to bring treated, knowledge of practitioner etc.
You could suggest this is the professional way to go about finding out what your customers think. Clients being approached by personal mutual acquaintances about how they feel isn't going to enhance her reputation at all, it puts people on the spot, relies on their trust in your discretion, and is mutually awkward for you and them - this will not help her professional reputation tell her.

Remember that sometimes the messenger can get shot. Tell her to devise her own feedback form and to send it off with a sae to those who have used her services.

I agree, seeking feedback is a good idea but why do you need to do it for her and then be the bad guy? Suggest that she create a feedback form and ask people fill it in. If they don't, and she asks you again, then perhaps you give her the feedback, kindly but honestly.

She should send a feedback form to all her customers.
People more likely to give negative feedback so should get an idea of what's going wrong.

As others have said, she can ask for feedback from all clients. The issue is if she's mostly had friends/acquaintances as clients she is less likely to get the honest feedback she really needs.

I'd stay well out of it if you aren't using her services.

You could say something like, "so I was talking to my sister about life as an xtherapist and she said it was very interesting to her that so many of her clients have remarked that what they really appreciate about this type of alternative therapy is that the practitioner really has the time to listen, which makes them so different to, for example, a GP. They are always so busy and harassed, clients don't feel like they have the space to talk in a non-judgemental atmosphere and explore their situation. I'm sure you find that too..."

I read a really good article on giving feedback. It basically said you just need to give straightforward constructive feedback.

Your friend has asked for this, so tell her plainly and unapologetically.
She needs to seriously reassess whether this is a career path she can succeed in.

The alternative therapies you have named have no evidence for the therapy itself actually working. They ' work' entirely on the therapeutic relationship that the therapist is able to build up. I've had a quite a number of alternative type therapies and in them all the therapist has excellent interpersonal skills, is warm and genuine and makes you feel cared about. That is why people go. They like that time and dedicated attention from someone who is warm and caring. It also helps with trust in the therapist and therapy and that helps with a placebo effect.

If your friend is not a naturally warm and empathetic person that she is going to be a fish trying to ride a bicycle in that field of work. The qualification she has is, bluntly, irrelevant. Fake acupuncture has been show to work as well as ' real' acupuncture. The qualification in well-intentioned fakery is neither here nor there. Her ability to build a business will depend entirely on her relationship building skills.

And if she cannot even assess her own interpersonal skills nor realise how vital they are then, in all honesty, I can't see her making it.

I think just say your contacts would have preferred a softer more deferential and empathic interactional style but you don't know the details as you feel uncomfortable asking more.

If you do decide to give her the feedback, it may be better to suggest the improvements rather than specific criticism of her.

EG, without mentioning the name(s) of those you have talked to, Tell Lucy that they feedback you have is the client prefers a different therapist because they 'were more patient, empathic, listening or whatever and that they felt more comfortable with their approach.

I know a considerable amount about this field.
You can ALL the theory in the world behind you, but if you don't have empathy or compassion your screwed.
You can be empathetic and compassion and have little theory behind you and be an incredible therapist.
I've known clinical psychologists to be some of the coldest bastards I've ever met. If your friend doesn't address this issue and make friendly psychological contact with her clients she'll soon be out of business.

Tell her what Jane said.

She is asking you directly to get this information.

I work in this area, OP, and any decent course should provide guidance and support on your professional manner and in setting up your business. Professional and peer feedback should also be provided at the time of training with lifetime access to continued professional development and support. I would maybe say to her, as things aren’t working out how she expected, to go back to her tutors or the professional body who oversees her work for feedback and suggestions. The onus was really on them to ensure she was practicing active listening, gentle manner and guidance rather than direction!