How involved/physically close by are you with your Adult DC and any DGC?

[B0J0ker]

Bit of a wordy title - and a long thread, sorry a but I'm just after differing opinions on how physically close people are to their adult DCs (from being in the same town to a totally different country) and how involved you are in their lives and that of any DGC.

Bit of a back story - I have adult DC. My mum was very involved in my life (with hindsight, far too much) and was very involved when my DCS were growing up, she lived only a short drive away, saw us several times a week etc. She didn't ever do childcare though, apart from the odd evening babysitting
(Mostly because in her opinion I shouldn't have been wanting to go out anyway! A whole other thread)

I found it all a bit much - a lot, lot too much TBH - but didn't want to upset her by not including her (as I said, it's a whole other thread!) so just went with it, and to be fair she was a really good granny. But she did HAVE to be very involved or she'd sulk/cry/create a scene so it was easier to let her join in with stuff.

She is quite strongly opinionated and of the mind that this is the right - and only - way to parent/be a grandparent.

However, the children are young adults, their dad and I are divorced and I'm now single, 50ish and thinking about the future.

I'm not sure I want that level of involvement in adult DCs lives, or that of any children they have. Obviously I do want to be emotionally close, and we are, but we are physically distant and there are things I'd really like to do (travel, volunteer overseas...) which will increase that physical distance, but DM is making me feel really bad for wanting that instead of being a childminder to any GDCs etc. I've no idea if my DCS would even want or need this!

I know it's ridiculous to worry about grandchildren that don't even exist yet (and might never even be born!) I just don't want to make a huge mistake if I follow my own desires and end up becoming distant from my DC and/or these imaginary DGC because of this.

For a bit more context - I'm peri-menopausal and one of my WORST symptoms has been quite bad anxiety, which I've never experienced before and I am consumed with worry about the future.

So, I just wondered how it is for other people really and I don't have a variety of people to ask in RL.

Am I being really selfish? Are the 'best' parents and grandparents the ones who are really involved and live just around the corner? Could I end up alienating everyone? Will everyone prefer the more local grandparents?

Thanks!

My mum is the kind of grandparent you sound like you’d want to be (to my brothers children) and it works really well. Everyone has room to live their own lives and there is interesting stuff to talk about when they come together.

I have an adult DD, who is engaged but no children yet.

I had the opposite problem to you, in that my mother was never involved, and only wanted me in her life for what I could do for her.

I subsequently have a real inner drive to be the sort of mum who is there for her emotionally and physically. I am currently her go to dog sitter. I plan on moving nearer to her when she becomes pregnant. She knows this and it happy about this.

I am however, aware that by doing the opposite of my mother, I could go the other way. I have been having conversations about this to my DD and have told her I would like to develop a really honest relationship with her where we can say things to each other without giving offence.

I think like me, for you it may be less about how you feel, but more about how you really listen to each other without the behaviours you describe that your own mother indulged in.

I only have the one DD, so it is easy to do this. Perhaps if you have sons it’s more difficult