How do I deal with people "insisting" on seeing me home

[Alarmset]

I've tentatively starting on some socialising again after DH's death earlier this year. The run up to Christmas has been lovely and I've had some really good nights out with old and new friends, usually in a mixed group.

"Before" I would either be with DH or he'd pick me up, but I'm not a nervous type and happy to make my own way home now I have to.

What I'm finding is that people insist on seeing me home. Often women insist "their" men take me home. I know it's all well intentioned, but I don't like it. It means a walk with a man I often don't know well, it means people are going out of their way at the end of an evening, it often means I end up getting a cab when I could quite easily have walked, just to shut them up. I actually hate being a lone woman in a cab much more than walking.

On Friday, I'd got the train back with a man going to the same station, lovely. I would have walked from the station, he lives closer to the station. He really wanted a cab which then dropped me off first and took him back. So, he paid for the cab which was a longer journey than necessary and which he didn't need. I'll see him right by buying the beer next time we're out, but it still doesn't sit right, either in terms of the money or his time.

I want to insist I'm perfectly fine, but they're so concerned it feels like I'd be very rude and inconsiderate to refuse their kind offers, leaving them feeling responsible if something did go wrong.

What do I do?

I think you have to be rude, if they don’t take a polite no for an answer. They may be well-meaning, but they’re still browbeating you into a situation you aren’t comfortable with, and they need to listen to you and respect your decisions.

I know, but even being very blunt doesn't seem to help.

And I am grateful to these people, I don't want to get to a point where going out with them is uncomfortable.

Oh I'd hate that!

I think you just have to be really really firm at the end of the night. When you say "no, honestly, I'll make my own way home" and then they say something like "no, I insist, Pete will drive you home" - you then need to be very assertive and completely change your tone of voice "No. I am an adult and I will travel home however I want".

Either that or sneak out without anyone noticing - which is easy if you've gone out for drinks but a bit weird if it's a sit down meal

I usually say 'its ok I won't attack anyone ha ha ha!' That seems to check people Ive found.

Would they settle for you texting / messaging one of them when you get home?

I am someone who has always walked home alone- there's something magical about walking through a world that is deserted and everyone is home in bed. (Disclaimer- I have always lived in cities, so I genuinely appreciate still and calm instead of crowds and noise)
It's something I treasure at the end of a good night out.

However, people are only doing this from a place of kindness- they want to keep you safe. Only you know which friends will take the rebuff graciously and which will be offended- so go with whichever it would be.

Do make sure you get some of that secret silent time to yourself though

If there are repeat offenders talk to them about it before you meet up. Tell them if it happens again you won't want to see them any more. Make it so that everyone understands what's happening before you get to the end of the night.

I also find that people assume I'm safer in a cab than walking alone and I don't necessarily agree either.

Statistically, the man walking you home "as a friend" is the much bigger threat to you than the solo walk. (Although I don't recommend pointing this out to your friends, unless you want to enter a Not My Nigel death spiral.)

I would flip it and say, per PP above, that you actually love the peace and freedom of seeing yourself home and you're happy to text them when you get there if that would make them feel better. That should see off anyone who is genuinely concerned for your safety. If anyone pushed that boundary, it's time for the Paddington Bear Hard Stare and the steely voice. "I'd prefer to go myself, please respect that". I don't care what "nice" reasons someone has for pushing my boundaries; it's my boundary, I'm an adult, they respect it or we have an issue.

I think, with all the attacks on women recently, it comes from a place of love. They care for you, and want you to be safe. How lucky you are to have such fabulous friends who care for you so much. Perhaps look at it as an expression of their love and care, and go with it.
Or don’t drink, and drive yourself home.

It comes from a place of love, annoying though.
My friend and I part ways and we say "3 rings" an old saying as you probably know, to ring the other when you're home safe and let the phone ring 3 times & off we go.
When we each arrive home we text "💍💍💍" so just say " I'll give you 3 rings when I'm home safe" worth a try

with all the attacks on women recently. You'd do well to check stats for attacks on men vs women. Does it 'come from a place of love' or a need to be in control. Adult women should be allowed to decide how they travel.

So pleased to see the replies on here. I assumed every reply would be telling you to be grateful and not to be so silly.
I don't go out much, but when I do I like to make my own way back, sometimes walking. It really irritates me when people do this (not offer, that is gratefully refused or accepted, but insist). Insisting is basically them out-adult ing you when the topic is you!

I genuinely don't think it's about control, it is well meaning concern. Some people seem to believe it's almost certain that you will be attacked if you go out alone after dark.

So sorry to hear about your DH's death.

I think people want to try and be helpful but don't always know the best way - so they're making sure you're safe and in their thoughts this way, and not "just" left to go on alone. Maybe they feel a bit guilty about you being alone.

Eventually the offers will go away, so if they're not listening in the meantime - just smile and accept for now.

@AndARiverBeneathYourFeet

So sorry to hear about your DH's death.

I think people want to try and be helpful but don't always know the best way - so they're making sure you're safe and in their thoughts this way, and not "just" left to go on alone. Maybe they feel a bit guilty about you being alone.

Eventually the offers will go away, so if they're not listening in the meantime - just smile and accept for now.

At least we've got past the stage where they wanted to pay for me all the time and wouldn't let me buy a round!

I'm with you, OP. I prefer to see myself home.

I think the compromise position is the 3 rings/text message to say you're safe home. That way they feel like they're not abandoning you, and you get your space.

You don't need to tell them rudely though do you, just explain to them that as much you appreciate it you actually feel more comfortable doing xyz.

Change the language :

"No thanks, I really ENJOY walking home on my own and getting my steps in"

(Like you I like walking home)

Sorry for your loss OP. I’m genuinely surprised by the responses on here re walking about alone at night (male or female) - I suppose because it was ingrained in me from a young age not to do this so I do think your friends are well meaning (you did say you did not do this prior to your DP death), but you are an adult and ultimately they should respect your decision- think others suggestion of “3 rings” is a good one.

Be firm “now I’m on my own have to get used getting home alone” One thing to offer another assume you can’t do it by yourself either. That’s quite controlling, it’s not “out of love” if you don’t want or need it and makes you feel bad or awkward.

I hate this too.

I just say - no - I like to walk alone to clear my head, and repeat it a couple of times if necessary. Think of it as brisk not rude. No one really wants to do it so I never think they mind.