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Original poster

Anyone else’s child react really badly when told off?

19 replies

Suzzzzzzie · 18/12/2021 10:37

DS (age5) absolutely hates being told off (who doesn’t?) and when he is by his teacher, grandparent, at football, wherever, he acts out for the rest of the day - he’s really badly behaved, angry and destroys things around him. It lasts for hours.

I don’t know what to do about it. Does anyone else’s child do this?

When he was 1-ish, he used to hit his own head on the floor in frustration - I think he’s always had a hard time with bad feelings. It really frightened me when he did that.

I talk to him about it in a “gentle parenting” style. But it’s very hard work and he’s very destructive and explosive. He’s a difficult child to parent, to be honest.

If anyone else has this and has any tips, please let me know! I don’t want him to grow up an angry or sad adult.

When not told off by anyone, he’s fun and confident and has lots of friends. I just don’t know if there’s something deeper going on with this telling off thing.

(Unless he does something REALLY dangerous, I don’t tell him off because it doesn’t work and it makes things worse - this is more other people telling him off at school etc, which I can’t control.)

OP posts:
Forion · 18/12/2021 10:45

Look up Rejection Sensitivity Dysphoria. It involves intense feelings of distress and shame at being corrected or told off or of getting something wrong. Neurodiverse people are affected by this and it's usually the reason why they will often refuse to admit they're wrong or have made a mistake. It's a genuine perception and isn't just a dislike of being told off.

Original poster
Suzzzzzzie · 18/12/2021 10:47

Oh wow that’s interesting, I will right now!

I have long suspected he is neurodiverse, but school and nursery have never agreed as he is so different in school settings (he saves all this for me at home).

OP posts:
thefudgeling · 18/12/2021 10:50

Look up PDA, my child has this and your post resonated with our experience. Standard parenting techniques do not work!

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

Families
Wombat69 · 18/12/2021 10:51

I was going to say that's an ADHD thing. RSD is very hard to deal with, if you're the person with it, especially when you're little.

It's not an excuse. It's more an explanation that it takes time to process the "telling off" and learning to self-soothe helps but the reaction goes off like a rocket and it takes time to calm down.

Watch for trigger stacking too. So if he's had things go badly, one after the other, he might be running out of resources to deal with emotions.

Darkestdays · 18/12/2021 10:52

I had a headbutter. If you told him off he'd headbutt doors, floors, walls. He also used to take his nappy off and force a wee on the floor when in trouble (whilst looking you dead in the eye for maximum effect)

Simple changes have made a difference. Changing my language, I was guilty of saying things like naughty boy, I didn't realise that it just makes their behaviour worse, they've been told they are a naughty boy - so they keep being naughty. I now make a point of saying that was a naughty thing to do but reassuring him he's a good kind boy and I still love him. Sounds silly maybe, but it did make a difference!

He was also a biter, and hit or kicked a lot. Redirection worked well, if he bit me we'd get him something safe to bite, a toy, an apple etc. If he kicked me it was no, we don't kick mummy, that's not a very kind thing to do - we can go kick a ball, if you want to kick something? He does still have his moments but overall if I can redirect the action he did that was naughty, or word my response gently, he takes it well and has started saying sorry off his own back.

TheFormidableMrsC · 18/12/2021 10:53

Yes my son is like this. He has a diagnosis of ASD/ADHD. I mean nobody likes being told off. However his response to even the mildest of admonishments is completely disproportionate. Indeed last night he reacted to me asking him not to belt me with his rucksack by having a meltdown that lasted two hours. He also wrecked his bedroom.

When he comes out of it, he's always very apologetic and embarrassed. However, he lacks the ability to control it from onset. It's hard work and he's 10 now and going to secondary next year. I am frankly terrified.

It's hard to deal with because for 99% of the time he's a well mannered, polite little boy. I hope you find a way forward Thanks

Wombat69 · 18/12/2021 10:54

Masking at school is easier as you have more dopamine from being with others and having stimulation all day.

PDA is also there in the mix. Have a look at the ADHD Foundation and other places like CHADD and Additude. See if anything resonates or is helpful.

ShortDaze · 18/12/2021 10:56

My dd is a bit like this. I’ve found that being very calm (I try not to react in the moment, it makes things worse, unless it’s something unsafe), using short sentences, getting her to suggest a consequence and then not mentioning it again until she does all help. But she’s 10, so quite a bit older.

It is really tricky, she seems not to care or be sorry, but I can see underneath she’s feeling so shamed and awful. I try to encourage her to use words to explain how she’s feeling rather than just hiding and curling into a ball, but sometimes that makes it worse. Sometimes being a bit brisk works better - you did x, the consequence is y, now we’re off to do something distracting. And just leaving things sometimes works, she’ll shout no to a request and then go and do it quietly 10 minutes later, as long as I haven’t mentioned it again.

Forion · 18/12/2021 11:05

Yeah, there are indicators like this that can be missed because they're not well known about. Neurodiverse people are very aware of their shortcomings and work extremely hard not to get things wrong or make mistakes. When they do, it's like a disaster to them and they feel terrible whereas a neurotypical person can usually just shrug it off.

My adult ds1 has adhd and only recently told me that he has RSD and I never realised even though I have it. Ds1 was always in trouble when he was young because I couldn't obtain help for him. Ds2 is aspergers and has an absolute meltdown if he does anything wrong, but it's rare that he does because he's very careful about things.

Do some of the screening questionnaires for adhd and asd and see if they fit your ds. Kids with higher intelligence levels are more likely to be able to mask their conditions and slip through the net at school. Doesn't mean they're not badly affected though.

thefudgeling · 18/12/2021 11:12

It's really refreshing to see all these posts rather than ppl coming on telling OP to be stricter. I have a few regrets for how I tried to manage my child's behaviour before we knew they were neurodiverse. All because of societal attitudes that I had taken to heart.

TheFormidableMrsC · 18/12/2021 11:14

@Darkestdays

I had a headbutter. If you told him off he'd headbutt doors, floors, walls. He also used to take his nappy off and force a wee on the floor when in trouble (whilst looking you dead in the eye for maximum effect)

Simple changes have made a difference. Changing my language, I was guilty of saying things like naughty boy, I didn't realise that it just makes their behaviour worse, they've been told they are a naughty boy - so they keep being naughty. I now make a point of saying that was a naughty thing to do but reassuring him he's a good kind boy and I still love him. Sounds silly maybe, but it did make a difference!

He was also a biter, and hit or kicked a lot. Redirection worked well, if he bit me we'd get him something safe to bite, a toy, an apple etc. If he kicked me it was no, we don't kick mummy, that's not a very kind thing to do - we can go kick a ball, if you want to kick something? He does still have his moments but overall if I can redirect the action he did that was naughty, or word my response gently, he takes it well and has started saying sorry off his own back.

Yes mine is a headbutter too. As a toddler it was horrific. He still does it on walls sometimes 😫
thefudgeling · 18/12/2021 11:18

On a more practical note do you know of Ross Greene, author of 'the explosive child'? Also 'raising human beings'? I can't recommend these books strongly enough, esp the second one. He gets it.

BobbieT1999 · 18/12/2021 11:22

In addition to the excellent advice above, op, I would also explore ways to help him understand and name his feelings so that he find a way to start processing his emotions in ways that are less distressing for all of you.

Changechangychange · 18/12/2021 11:22

DS4 does this too - no violent outburst, but literally crumples and lies face-down on the floor, or runs away and hides. Particular problem when he is being affectionate but a bit rough - ask him to use gentle hands and he acts like you’ve told him you hate him or something. Also not great with transitions, often telling him to put his shoes on(even when it’s something he wants to go to) sets him off.

Apparently fine in school, saves it all up for us.

thefudgeling · 18/12/2021 11:24

Agree with Bobbie above. My kid gets help with this at school via an ELSA (emotional literacy support assistant), You can get ELSA resources online to share with the school.

Fleemeister · 18/12/2021 11:32

"Unless he does something REALLY dangerous, I don’t tell him off because it doesn’t work and it makes things worse - this is more other people telling him off at school etc, which I can’t control.)"

I totally get where you're coming from but you might need to tackle it at home, where he is in a safe place, so he can build up the skills to cope with it happening at school. Usual rules about doing it straight away may not apply - we do mention behaviour issues but we may have to wait for him to be calm and able to process before he can hear it. School know about DS's autism and TAs know to make this accommodation too. Lots of empathy involved which I'm sure you do anyway, and don't ask him why he did it or anything like that. It may well be enough just to state blandly what behaviour was expected. He probably knows anyway.

It's not quite the same but DS also used to find losing at games very hard at this age. We responded by playing a lot, and playing to win, to desensitise him a bit and teach him he could cope with it. It wasn't being cruel, it was very carefully managed with lots of space and understanding. I would approach this is in a similar way - kindly coaching him through it at home.

Couchbettato · 18/12/2021 11:42

Definitely a ND thing.

I'm 26, this has happened to me all my life. My 2 year old is also the same.

I would push for further assessments. Schools and nurserys should be well aware that masking is common and should not be saying "well he's fine here so there's no issue".

Couchbettato · 18/12/2021 11:44

Also rather than saying things are naughty try explaining good choices and bad choices.

Being inherently naughty isn't really a thing but kids believe they are inherently naughty.

But every one makes good choices and bad choices, even mummy and daddy so its mummy and daddys job to help little ones to understand what is a good or bad choice.

But also it's ok sometimes to make bad choices so we can learn from them.

HalfShrunkMoreToGo · 18/12/2021 11:51

My daughter (7yo) gets overly upset when she thinks she's done something wrong or thinks she's being told off and I think it's because 99.9% of the time she is a dream, she's just a naturally well behaved and thoughtful child so it's a very rare thing when she has to be told no.

Because it is so rare she isn't used to it and over reacts. That doesn't mean that we avoid saying no though, we just deal with the reaction when it happens and try to talk to her calmly to explore her emotions and explain why she needs to stop whatever the behaviour was.

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