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Original poster

Their place is much smarter than ours.

26 replies

Diditopknot · 17/12/2021 20:17

Said by dc after going to a classmates to play.
Aged 8.
It’s the first time at a classmates house.

Our house needs modernisation, painting, carpets and new flooring.

We have had a new bathroom this year, our old one was 20 years old.
Also shelled out £7k for essential outside work in October.
So that’s it for this year. It took me 3 years to save for that work.

Feel so sad that my child thinks this and feels a bit like there’s shame in what our house looks like.

DH wfh, he doesn’t clean much (keeps on top of the washing, does all clubs with kids every weekend) does all school runs and he comes from a poor home ( think Jim & Barbara Royal family house ) growing up so anything is posh to him.
I work 50 hours a week night shifts & day shifts as I’m saving for next year’s inside work.

School friends house is a huge detached house with 2 very expensive cars on the drive. Dh collect dc.
Feels shit to be honest.

OP posts:

TheGirlWhoLived · 17/12/2021 20:22

Comparison is the theft of joy. There are always going to be friends with much larger houses, better Christmas presents, more siblings, better clothes, more spending money, more pets, better holidays, etc. the same way that children will be visiting your house, going back to their flat and saying x has THIS, and x has THIS and did you know x has THIS! There is no way you could/should compete, it’s a great time to teach your dd that you work hard to get what you have, and be grateful for what you have instead of striving for more

Hoppinggreen · 17/12/2021 20:23

Someone will always have a nicer house than yours and you will always have a nicer house than other people.
We have experienced both. The DC went to a mixed State Primary and their friends often used to say how nice and how big our house was. Then they went to Private Secondary where some of their friends have
Pools and huge mansions ( although nobody seemed to care) and now DD is at State 6th form and her friends think our house is posh again!
None of it matters really

Jisforjuggling · 17/12/2021 20:25

Did your dc say it as a passing comment/observation or in a way that implied they were embarrassed? One of my DC has made a new friend. Their house (not London/SE) is worth over £3m complete with pool and tennis courts. Ours is a 1930s semi. That needs a tonne of work done to it. They haven’t been to our house yet. If they don’t like it, they don’t have to come back. When I was growing up my best friend lived on an estate complete with a lake, and staff. We didn’t have central heating. Friends home life was hideous and her parents divorced. We talked about the imbalance a few years ago. She said she loved coming to my house because it was normal.
OP, give your DC a stable loving home, and you are doing an awesome job x

LadyEloise1 · 17/12/2021 20:26

Who knows what goes on within the walls of that smart detached home !

Something I read on here and it's so true
"Comparison is the thief of joy"

Elfonthesofa · 17/12/2021 20:30

You tell your DS everyone's house is different.

But it sounds like there is more going on here about your own feelings about your house, that YOU'RE not happy with it. And you're not happy with the contribution DH is (or rather isn't) making perhaps.

CaravanConcerns · 17/12/2021 20:31

Kids don't notice! My 6 year old had a friend round who said 'I've your messy house' to me as she left. She meant it as a genuine compliment . Our house is fairly big etc but we are quite messy and I always feel inferior because a lot of my friends' houses are immaculate. There's aways a reason to feel like you're failing but don't let it sneak up on you!

Digestive28 · 17/12/2021 20:31

You have two choices - either decide that it’s a prompt to do something and get your house cleaner/decluttered etc or decide that’s their house and this is yours and that’s that.
A warm loving home is less about the building and more about the people

NiceTwin · 17/12/2021 20:33

Our house was tatty, took us 5 years to be presentable.
But, ours was the house of choice for kids to come to and still is.
It's who/what in the house that matters, not the house itself.

Santahatesbraisedcabbage · 17/12/2021 20:33

Our home has always been the shabbiest and definitely the messiest (many many dc!).. Pre Covid strangely all dc's friends loved coming here!! We have ddogs who love company and I am happy to rustle up homemade crepes and cuppas for a house full! Once had pancake day with 18 dc here and def weren't all mine!!

Bringonsummer19 · 17/12/2021 20:37

You can smarten s house without loads of cash though. Decluttering/being clean etc

Original poster

Diditopknot · 17/12/2021 20:39

My house isn’t cluttered nor is it dirty.
It’s tired and dated that’s all.

OP posts:

daretodenim · 17/12/2021 20:49

I feel you OP. My DS has a good friend who has two investment banker parents. Their house is amazing. Their big cars are amazing. Their holidays are amazing. According to DS. The TV they have in their entrance hall to show family photos is bigger than our only TV. Of course, that's just the landscape one. They also have one set up portrait for tall photos. Neither are used as TVs, they're just in the hall!

I've had to have discussions with DS acknowledging that yes, there's a difference, but there are also people we know who have smaller houses than ours. There are kids his age who have to work in some countries. We are actually very lucky in this world, even though we don't have a playroom with a gaming screen almost taller than us. However, it it's really important to him to have a huge house with a Porsche 4x4 etc then he should work hard at school to get the sorts of jobs they have. But to never forget that no amount of - or lack of - money makes you a better/worse person than someone else.

He has decided that he prefers playing outside with friends to doing extra maths 😉.

tara66 · 17/12/2021 20:50

Just throw fake fur rugs over everything.

flashy44 · 17/12/2021 20:52

@TheGirlWhoLived

Very true TheGirlWhoLived,when you start comparing you are extinguishing your own happiness.Remember there is always someone even worse off than you,i have always tried to think this if i get in comparative mode and it works for me.

BananaPant · 17/12/2021 20:54

@Jisforjuggling

Did your dc say it as a passing comment/observation or in a way that implied they were embarrassed? One of my DC has made a new friend. Their house (not London/SE) is worth over £3m complete with pool and tennis courts. Ours is a 1930s semi. That needs a tonne of work done to it. They haven’t been to our house yet. If they don’t like it, they don’t have to come back. When I was growing up my best friend lived on an estate complete with a lake, and staff. We didn’t have central heating. Friends home life was hideous and her parents divorced. We talked about the imbalance a few years ago. She said she loved coming to my house because it was normal. OP, give your DC a stable loving home, and you are doing an awesome job x

This 👆

Original poster

Diditopknot · 17/12/2021 21:10

I asked if he had had great fun and a lovely time to which he said he had a great time and that their place is much smarter than ours.

Then proceeded to tell me what he had played.
Just a comment.

He had only been to the houses of our family so not had much experience of how other people live.

OP posts:

DoTheyKnowItsLemonJuice · 17/12/2021 21:19

The TV they have in their entrance hall to show family photos is bigger than our only TV. Of course, that's just the landscape one. They also have one set up portrait for tall photos. Neither are used as TVs, they're just in the hall!

I mean, there’s a lot wrong with my house, but — that sounds terrible.

Anordinarymum · 17/12/2021 21:25

Don't allow this to upset you. There will always be smarter houses, better cars, holidays, etc etc. It does not mean they are happier than you or have a better quality of life despite the trappings.

My grandson has started commenting on his friends houses. He lives in a flat with his mum. It is warm and cosy and clean. Some of his friends live in massive houses with lots of rooms and three bathrooms.. So what?

I had a friend who adopted a baby boy. Both she and her husband had really good jobs in a bank.
They sent him to private school because they could afford to as they both worked. He mixed with children whose parents were filthy rich. These children would take friends from school on holiday, skiing etc. He did not get invited because he could not reciprocate.
His mum had a mini. It was reasonably new.
One day he asked her not to park near school as it was embarrassing for him. He did not want the other children to see her car.
She told me that was a massive leveller and it hurt.
The fact that they were happily married and a lovely family didn't cut it. They were regarded as poor by comparison and and she regretted sending him there as he was influenced by other people and their wealth... and their snobbery.

2bazookas · 17/12/2021 21:31

He's 8; he voiced an accurate observation. His pal's house is smarter.It's a description of what he saw , nothing more.

You're the one with an inferiority complex, attaching a load of emotion and angst and jealousy and shame to your own home.

Notcontent · 17/12/2021 21:44

Yes, there will always be someone with a nicer house.

AlistairCamel · 17/12/2021 21:48

It’s tough. We’ve sent our children to a state school slightly outside of the area. Most people there are very rich and most have bigger houses than us. I dread when he notices.

GiveYourHeadAWobble · 17/12/2021 21:56

Kids notice the differences in houses but they don’t really care that much. I remember as I child I wanted to live in a friend’s house which was much smaller than our house and on a new estate (whereas our family home was a period house but a bit shabby!). I just really liked how modern my friend’s house was. Please don’t be hard on yourself. Kids notice differences but it means nothing at the end of the day.

LittleOverWhelmed · 17/12/2021 22:27

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

Phoenix76 · 17/12/2021 23:31

I remember as a child, going to my best friend’s house that would with adult eyes be considered as cluttered, untidy and certainly not immaculately clean but I bloody loved it and would spend every moment I could there because although it was all those things, the atmosphere was priceless and full of wonderment. Over 30 years on I still think of it with such fond memories.

You can fill a house with expensive items, completely ordered, so clean you could perform open heart surgery but money doesn’t buy everything 😉 as long as your home has love, fun and isn’t it’s more than fine.

ArblemarzipanTFruitcake · 18/12/2021 00:41

I grew up with hoarder parents and it was awful - couldn't have friends round without desperate attempts to 'tidy up' and cringing embarrassment at the mess. A house that needs some modernisation and/or is 'lived in' rather than a show-home is absolutely fine

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