How women deal with crisis versus how men deal with it

[JanisMoplin]

We have a family crisis at the moment, exacerbated by the pandemic. My way of dealing with it is to talk about it endlessly, ruminating solutions, moaning about things we could have done but didn't, just constantly mulling about it. Yes, I am annoying. My DH's solution is to never, ever talk about it at all. I am a talker- it is my way of dealing with things- he thinks what cannot be cured must be endured in stoic, stony silence. Do you recognise this pattern? I would like to meet somewhere in the middle.

My husband is very good in a crisis. He can cut straight to the heart of the crisis. This is probably due to his work, he is an analyst. I am like a headless chicken!

Mine does a similar line of work. I do think that women tend to want to talk about things more than men.

It's the other way around in my house. We are both good at identifying a course of action in a crisis but then he wants to talk about it endlessly. I'd rather just draw a line under it.

I prefer your DH's way of dealing with it. Do something if something can be done, talk about it once to get things straight and then carry on.
But everybody deals with stress differently and noone is wrong as such, though the talkers and moaners have a tendence to cause more stress for the non-talkers.

I would generally vent with my friends but everybody has a full plate of worries right now.

As a woman I completely disagree and actually despise unnecessary rumination and analysis. I am sure you will find women who are the opposite, but so what?

Not sure what the point of this thread is but these simplistic gender stereotypes usually hurt women.

@AnaViaSalamanca

As a woman I completely disagree and actually despise unnecessary rumination and analysis. I am sure you will find women who are the opposite, but so what?

Not sure what the point of this thread is but these simplistic gender stereotypes usually hurt women.

Ok.

This isn't a women and men thing. This is a you and your DH thing.

Yes it's a person thing not a sex thing. I'm great in a crisis then fall apart once the dust has settled and the adrenaline has gone. DH is a deer in headlights.

OP, it's the opposite in our house. I'm a woman and my DH is man.

I don’t think this is a male/female difference.
People are just different.

Could be a person thing. What do you talkers do if there is no one to talk to?

I am actually great in a crisis. I just need to vent my way through it. I am not a stoic!

I do this sometimes too of there is a really big crisis and when I really need to talk it out, I go for a long drive and talk it out by myself

I'm an engineer, I prefer solutions, I can't stand catastrophising, moaning about what if's or what should have been done with 20/20 hindsight. Talking for the sake of talking in some circular fashion drives me mad. Fix or mitigate things that are within your control, stop flapping about shit you can't change.

Although we usually fall into the pattern you describe, OP, once I've made up my mind I'm ready to implement the decision immediately. whereas while dh might have reached his decision in stoic, analytic silence, he usually wants to consider it some more before committing himself. So we swap roles. We've discovered that it helps if each knows what the other wants. So one (usually me, but not always) might say "I don't want you to give me a solution, I just want to talk about it."

I am not a talker. I am a search for a solution, execute said solution, and then try and forget about it.

Don't get me wrong I'd probably talk it through first. DH...honestly I don't know I feel like I deal with all the shit that hits the fan.

I don’t think you can generalise by sex. My mother is highly emotional, everything has to be a massive drama with tears and recriminations and histrionics. I’m completely the opposite : Cool, calm, rational, pragmatic. When bad things happen, she will be sobbing her heart out while I make a to-do list.

My view is that her approach is pointless self-indulgence which changes nothing and solves nothing. She seems to think I don’t have emotions at all. Of course I do, I just don’t think making a public display of them achieves anything.

I hope you find someone to talk to

I am like your DH but it's not because I'm stoic, though I would like to be.

It's just when there's a crisis on, it usually feels worse if I talk about it.

I'm like you, so we generally indulge the person who's more stressed. If DH is freaking out I stay quiet unless I've something constructive or earth shattering to add(or to enquire about food/sleep) if I'm losing control Dh runs through every conceivable scenario and trouble shoots with me to help me feel more in control.