Has anyone else had to reassess their whole childhood/relationship with parents?

[unsure10482]

Will try not to ramble too much here.

First of all when I think back to my childhood it certainly was not a bad one. But since having my own DC I have questioned a lot of my parents parenting (not to them). My DH regularly jokes I was neglected but I often just felt it was just the way things were done then and considered normal. For example since day 1 as a newborn I was left downstairs in the cot over night. If I did cry my parents never heard.

I never said anything until my sister also had a baby and started to bringing it up to me. It obviously made her feel the same. Examples she can remember include we never actually went on holiday with them and was always left with someone else. Also I apparently wet the bed a lot and we were too scared to tell my parents. My sister feels that whilst they do care they have always put themselves first.

Anyway the big thing that has really shocked me is a revaluation from our older sister who there is a big age gap with. She has always been abit distant with us all and we just assumed it was the age gap. She recently told my other sister that in effect she was mentally abused by our parents. I know from past conversations she was an 'accident' who my parents didn't plan for. In fact my parents have said they never thought about having children. It's seems they resented her presence and basically barely spoke to her throughout her childhood and she would often hear them calling her.

I just feel completely in shock. I can't speak to them about it as I am sworn to secrecy. I also feel extremely guilty as if I am betraying them by having such feelings towards them.

Has anyone else felt differently about their parents since having their own children? Or realised things they thought were normal about their childhood are not?

Yes. It’s made my relationship with my father very difficult. I just can’t fathom some of the decisions he made or his lack of consideration. It’s unsettling and made me very resentful for some time (still am, honestly).

There’s an element of different culture, different time, but that only goes so far. What’s hard is that he’s now old and doddery and I’m not sure how to “close” this. We can’t change the past and he has forgotten so much, he doesn’t recognise what I say when I have raised anything. I’m not sure what would now make me feel better, I'm locked in this state of anger that I can’t do anything with.

Yes I feel this, my dad was absentee for most of my life anyway but my mum I was close to although she passed 10 years ago and I've had children since and realised there's so much that was neglected in my childhood but I was loved. When I look back though I'm horrified at the thought of treating my own kids the same xx

Yes when I was clearing my Mum’s house when she went into a Care home . Realised she had lied and manipulated everyone her whole life and was an incredibly nasty woman who I really hope had some kind of personality disorder to account for it.

On the plus side, turns out my Dad is actually really lovely now I see him for who he is rather than who my Mother dripped poison into my ear about. Thank goodness I realised. And I am much closer to my Aunt and in contact with all her family, my cousin and family are so lovely.

Yes, I think so. My parents are great, but I do look back on my childhood and recall an awful lot less love and affection than my own daughter has. Ie, my parents never said they loved me, there was no special 1-2-1 attention (I am one of 4)

Maybe they were just so knackered from raising that many kids but I feel like my own child’s childhood will be much warmer than my own. Maybe it was also just a different time

I can relate to a lot of what you have said, and it is so conflicting as I love my mum so much and she has now passed away. “The book you wish your parents had read and your children will be glad that you did” by Philippa Perry is great for helping to understand your own childhood and potential triggers when you become a parent. I would recommend it to anyone.

I think it’s healthy to reassess one’s childhood as an adult - even in less troublesome situations than yours OP, I’m sorry you’re grappling with this. I found counselling very useful as a safe space in which to unpack my feelings and gain fresh perspective. Worth a try?

I ended up in counselling after my girls were born. I always thought that I would at least have a little understanding of my parents (they were violent and abusive, I was taken by my grandparents when I was 7) once I became a parent.

I always thought that maybe I’d see some goodness, a chink of light in the stresses etc all making some of it understandable.

Instead I understood them less and hated them more.

Yes I have. Funnily enough I've moved from a place of a lot of anger at their poor (and somewhat abusive) parenting in my 20s and going low and almost no contact, to a place of something like acceptance, understanding and forgiveness in my late 30s. I think this has been the right journey for me and I feel a lot more at peace with it all now, but I realise that pathway might not be for everyone.

I'm really sorry you're struggling with this OP. Maybe counselling could help?

It's a reverse for me. Since becoming a grandmother, my mom has reassessed things that seemed the norm in the 90s but are horrible now.
It's nice to get some vindication.

Yes completely. My childhood wasnt bad but wouldnt dream of treating my dc the way we were. My mum did her best, but her best was lacking.

Yes I feel the same, only really realised since having my own dc. They weren't properly abusive and they were very loving but weren't particularly good parents. Generally just putting their wants and needs above ours not being willing to change their lives in any way to accommodate dcs. Also one parent was incredibly highly strung and shouty, would go on long screaming rants over minor transgressions multiple times per day. And both had issues with alcohol. Looking back I think they just weren't cut out for parenthood tbh.

I think the hardest thing for me has been admitting it to myself because the standard thing to say in conversation about childhoods is "aw my parents were amazing". Pretty much everyone says that. I always used to say the same because I thought that people would think I was crazy if I didn't. The last few years I've felt more comfortable to say "tbh my parents weren't great, but some kids have it a LOT worse and I'm fine".

Most of my parenting is based on doing the opposite of what my parents would have done 😂
I did genuinely think that they were ok parents until I had my own dc and felt like "woah how did my parents do x/y/z?, I couldn't do that to dc".