What to say when your child brings home a lacklustre report…

[Terrifiedoftigers]

DD was always very capable in school- her first few years’ school reports were glowing. She’s now in Y3 and today we received her school report. It’s not absolutely terrible- she’s not blowing up the playground or anything- but it seems she hasn’t been paying much attention this term. They still say she’s a lovely kid - but distracted and away with the fairies, and doesn’t want to say anything in class. She’s still forgetting all the things that we were working on really hard in lockdown in Y1 - capital letters and full stops etc.

I am really embarrassed to say this but I’m not quite sure how to react and would appreciate a bit of input as to how you would approach it. I was always a bit of a swot - went on to Oxford etc. I am torn between wanting to give her a serious talking to about pulling her socks up and thinking that that might put her off school altogether. I have a bit of a tendency to be a pushy parent anyway and am constantly trying to dampen it down, but that sometimes leaves me wondering where the right place is to draw the line.

I suspect that this makes me a fairly crap parent. Any steer as to what line everyone else would take would be much appreciated.

I'd have a word with the teacher to see what strategies they are using to help keep her focused and if there's anything else they suggest you could do at home to help.

It has been a pretty crap year and a half for kids. Lacklustre is unsurprising to be honest. Instead of going in with a 'pull your socks up' lecture you could consider a more sympathetic approach. Perhaps making small, meaningful goals to make improvements overall while praising the effort they are already making. Joy has been sucked out of so much of school I really feel for kids just now.

They say she's a lovely kid. That's enough for year 3, you should be proud of her and give her a big cuddle.

She's not you and that's something all us parents have to learn to accept.

She's in year 3 and has had over a year of horribly disrupted education in a global pandemic.

I would give her a break. There is so much more to education than academic success.

Focus on the positives - she's friendly, her teachers are really pleased she's in their class, she's really collaborative, a good team player, kind etc etc t.

And then go and talk to her teacher about what strategies they're putting in place and how you can reinforce them at home.

Please don't tell her to pull her socks up, she is year 3! I'm sure she is doing her best, make sure your emotional intelligence matches your obvious academic intelligence!

I’m the opposite of a pushy parent but I’d congratulate her on any of the positive feedback but ask her if she’s struggling with anything and if it’s not bothering her let her be.

Inattentive adhd?

Doesn't matter if she has it or not, use some of the resources for helping her with the feedback. Sounds like working memory issues to me. Pandemic brain

I don’t think any child deserves to be given a hard time over their report at that age. If you are concerned about her progress then a) chat to the teacher about strategies at school b) consider what activities you can do at home to support her learning.

Please don't be embarrassed by this! The report is to let you know how she's doing so support can be put in place if needed- it would be far worse if they said everything was fine and you found out a couple of years down the line that it really wasn't.

I would also like to reassure you and tell you that we're seeing a very large number of children in my school (which is quite pushy academically, and has generally extremely good behaviour etc) that have lost their attention span, can't stay focussed on work for long, really prone to distraction etc. Home schooling has really let children pop off from lessons when they feel like it, grab a drink, a snack, have a wander, etc. Now we have them back in school they're really struggling to stay seated, be quiet, not eat or tap or hum to themselves etc. Even previously very hard workers are away with the fairies, so please don't think it's all doom and gloom for her.
Another thing is, as children mature, they have a stronger internal voice "thinking" about the work, they become more introspective and thoughtful, and she may well look out of the window or at the wall etc while she's just having a really good think about what she's learning and working on .
Speak to her teacher about next steps for her, read to her in the evenings if you have time, to build up her attention span again.

I wouldn't lecture her she is far too young!

Praise the good parts of her report and use it as a way to have a general chat about school. Does she find it boring? Is she struggling with anything?etc.

There might be a reason behind this behaviour or it might just be who she is.

I also consider myself to be very academic, fantastic exam results etc. I was similarly quite underwhelmed with my eldest's reports in years 1/2/3, especially compared with my own glowing reports.

Until I actually re-read my own reports (yes, my mum saved them for 30 years) and they were pretty terrible!

I'm not sure what my point is. I guess, don't read too much into school reports?! Keep reading with her, going to museums etc-that's enough.

I'd focus on giving praise for the positives in the report. The rest is a prompt for you to work on things at home.

I was a swot. The result of that was being attacked and excluded. Honestly just be glad your child is average and has friends to play with. Achievement isn’t the most important thing.

My DD has always had fab reports, but since Year 3 I’ve had questions about this as I felt like she was not quite understanding things. School said no, all fine. But they’ve just done practice sats and she got meets expectations , rather than the exceeds in KS1. So all of a sudden they want to do stuff quickly , as will affect their a progress 8 score. No chance. I’ve been saying for years about this. You’re not now making her cram for sats. Pffft. So, if you’re concerned now , I’d go in now and have a chat with them.

@ViceLikeBlip

I also consider myself to be very academic, fantastic exam results etc. I was similarly quite underwhelmed with my eldest's reports in years 1/2/3, especially compared with my own glowing reports.

Until I actually re-read my own reports (yes, my mum saved them for 30 years) and they were pretty terrible!

I'm not sure what my point is. I guess, don't read too much into school reports?! Keep reading with her, going to museums etc-that's enough.

This. I was undiagnosed ADHD at school so my reports are all about how I daydream, take ages to do work and forget things all the time! But I got great marks and my teachers always said I was a pleasure to teach. I just remember getting good reports, so either my mum emphasised the positives or that is a good report for primary school.

I’d talk to your daughter and really listen. Is she “doing her best”? Or is she just rushing her work to get it over? Does she have pride in her work? Does she accept a challenge? Is she enjoying school? What’s the best and worst thing about it?

I don’t think you can possibly know whether to encourage her to try harder until you can get an understanding of whether she is trying her best or not.

I'd have a chat with the child and find out if they agree with the report, why they think they're not paying attention, why they don't feel able to talk etc. Then you can make a plan together to try to do better next term, or if something in the environment is making it difficult talk to child about how to work around it or go back and talk to the teacher about whatever that is.